October is Octover

Counting down to the last 2 months of the year already.

I think there's no saying more cliched than "time flies". While you know it's true, the reality of things still hit you hard when it really rolls over.

At this instant, I'm kind of chilling-out after spending the whole day re-engineering our GPP. OP is finishing in four days? SATs in six? I think I'll spend the next few days doing a lot of tests and speaking and painting and churning up more words for Q&A. Oh, the multi-disciplinary person PW makes me.

Seniors are also beginning their big As tomorrow. How would I fare if I were them? Hmm, let's see. About 50% of content is covered this year, and I still didn't manage to get everything under my fingertips. How about learning the other 50% in half the time and twice the business and yet be expected to know the whole syllabus from head to toe? Sounds very manageable!! SH choir whatsapp chat is ringing with messages first encouraging ones and now talking about how they should sleep now, but can't. If I were them my anxiety would be through the roof. If I were them I would probably not give two shits and just go to sleep. If I were them I would get a nightmare about how I flip open that dastardly paper from Cambridge and realise I can't do a single question (if I do fall asleep, that is). If I were them I would think of this as the last GP paper in my life and enjoy writing it.

If I were them how would I feel? This standardized paper that everyone has talked about since forever, suddenly so real and right in front of my eyes.

Oh well, only one way to find out.

Let it snow

These few weeks have been nothing short of crazy has we went into a blur of script checking, lectures, doing up PW components of Written Report and Oral Presentation, Choir. I'm also attempting to rush for my SATs, o good lord. Initially I did have reservations about rushing for it in November but the whole year long, school has just been telling us how we should really make use of the old syllabus as a safety net and I guess a small part of me would like to have enough time to schedule a retest if I feel I have the capacity to do better.

In a miraculous turn of events, I managed to pass all of my subjects for promos which was a great improvement from last season where I sub-passed Chemistry. Well but certain sacrifices were made such as losing my B for Bio. Improved Geog by a grade (!!) which is cool but really... what did I expect when I smoked my way through and entirely, completely screwed over one essay question in the last test (ironically, it was during this exam that the room smelled like the burning fury of 1000 forests). 

In other news as well it is intense (not in twenties, but in tens) PW season right here right now. Just last week we were trying to rush out the bane of our existence WR and watching draft after draft of our WR getting destroyed was tragically beautiful. I don't think I have ever felt such a stark contrast between the highs and lows (ha-ha) of a journey until this moment. I'm glad that our PW group was on the same page and absolutely slayed with our determination to get the X factor for our WR by shamelessly asking for so many WRs to read and figuring out how the fuck can we salvage this hot mess. I will forever remember the day when something clicked and somehow all 5 of us were on the same page of what we want (this is the beginning of the final look of our WR) but alas guess what we were meeting our teacher in TWO HOURS and we were so scared we all took turns to lose our shit over WR. For the usually calm and collected us, it was hilarious.

bruised nectarines, stale candles

It has been months since I came onto this space to update, though I do visit it time to time to read old posts.

I think I enjoy doing the latter more because it makes me realise that time has passed us by, and those times will never repeat itself again. People change, circumstances change. Some days we want to bask in all its glory, some days we seal it in an brown paper envelope and keep it in a deep corner of our heart, some days your eyes see it but your brain says no, and so you live in pretense because it's less painful that way.

Anyhow as I type this, promotional exams (affectionately known as "promos") have just ended and it has been really tiring, to say the least. Let's begin from somewhere slightly earlier.

Term 3 was a hell of a ride. PW, A level SPA, spamming of new knowledge and tutorials and follow-up lecture tests (so, endless study) and choir. It was hella nasty. PW involved EoM which somehow magically gets worse after each draft and is practically reduced to word trash or wet socks by the last. I felt that churning out WR was the worst though, because our strategies really ended up sounding lacklustre and I felt really apologetic to my groupmates because I'm looking at the draft really helplessly, thinking everything is lacking the X factor and yet is also equally confused at where to even begin salvaging this mess. (Kids, PW messes up your life. As Mr Chew has rightly termed, "borderline child abuse".) Almost everyone is receiving unfavorable comments, taking projects look bleak, putting personal motivations to the test. Why is there even such a thing? Maybe there's a special place in hell for something like PW.

SPA - well, it was easy and difficult at the same time. Screwed up Chem though, because there was this part where I messed up (and decided to stop trying to attempt my questions instead) but it would give me an essential reading for my calculations. So, I didn't complete my calculations in a national exam.

The worst was the endless cycle of absorbing new content and studying for it. Interestingly, I only did "well" for chem, and kind of failed the rest. You know shit is real when the passing grade is lowered to 45% and you still can't make it ha-aha-ha. For the rest, all were so close. For Bio and Geog though, my disappointment overpowers. I'm not the kind to be affected by grades. But I can't help but feel inadequate when I did study hard for these tests and all my answers lack that little bit more that the teachers want. Then, all your peers seem to be faring better than you.

Choir, as usual, was a place to seek refuge from the endless bombing of deadlines. We crashed JH to perform for a YFC concert. Then, we decided to find something to do as a small batch of 10. It was Yixuan's YFC concert which was a hipster local music festival at the school field. Very coachella, super duper interesting experience. What I learnt from it though, is that perhaps acapella music isn't really our thing........... let's just remain a choir. We can say we tried..

In the past 3.5 weeks I really don't recall a single day I haven't been studying. It's true - I seriously practiced/read/wrote/made notes/memorised every single day. I don't think I have ever studied this hard in my life so far. And guess what? It still wasn't enough, I go into each test knowing I didn't practice this enough/ I didn't really study that. How is it possible to have 4 subjects and so much to learn?

Still, I seek comfort in the fact that I somehow managed to find a study group within my class. This has been a really trying period, trying to meet deadlines, expectations, and internalizing new things. There were times when I felt absolutely beaten, drained, and it was in Him that I placed my trust.  Dear God, why must it be this way? Why do students subject ourselves to this? I'm not even studying at a level of education that high or anything, but I feel tired. All my friends seem fine, but I feel tired. There are more worries to life but as a student, I feel tired. Is it just me? Am I allowed to feel tired? Am I obliged to conceal and move on? I think, for a moment demons did catch up with me. My mum was slightly annoyed at my state. Who wouldn't be? 

Yet, our God is a good God. I was given a study group from none other than my class. We are a very unexpected group of people, slightly varying on our academic abilities (I'm the black sheep), not the exact subject combinations, but one thing for sure was we found productivity studying together in school. Throughout the holidays and study breaks we found one another in our classroom, taking the place from morning till we were chased, and then we migrate to the canteen to continue till after 9. It sounds nasty (again). But what was good was that this group made everything funny. And humor lasts you through tough times. We took appropriate comedy breaks as much as we clarified our doubts with each other. After 9 months of being classmates I finally got to know Justlyn better, and it was utterly amazeballs that we found so much in common and there is never a single void in our (almost) daily conversations from Mountbatten to Sengkang. I must be blind to never realise someone who thinks so much like me and so willing to be "direct" in speech... has been sitting in the same homeroom as me for so long. Indeed I am blind - I felt almost horrid that taking to Justlyn made me realise I am, hate to admit this, more judgmental than I think. I don't want to be so clouded by my own judgments. So, I will continually try to improve myself on this aspect and build healthy relationships with people :)

My mum, too. Though hard on the surface, she surprised me by sending me a whatsapp messages conveying words she didn't really say in real life. In fact, she messaged me everyday following the initial surprise. Her messages often consoled me by telling me that learning should be a joy and not a burden, but more importantly she told me not to worry, that results are secondary, and she is fine with whatever I get because she can see from all these long days I'm pulling, that I've tried my best. Most importantly, her messages told me she loved me. And I love her so! We have bad days, but more good days.

Got many messages from friends, some slightly unexpected, but all telling me to press on.

I got more than I asked for, because God listened and blessed me with these people in my life. Actually, he didn't really. He opened my eyes to people who He had already placed in my life, to let me know there are people who are pulling me through trials and setbacks. Our God is a realistic God. Praying won't get you things like magically having all the content for H2 Chem transferred to your head, an easy paper, or a shortcut for you to work less harder. Studying is still a necessity that is mentally draining. What I got was strength in knowing that I have so much support and love, and I didn't see it, so I thought I was suffering alone. I am too blessed to be stressed.

Which is why I felt better as I studied on, though as I mentioned, I didn't go into a single test where I studied everything. (BCMG? Not possible, I think...) But I went in calm. In the end, every single paper shocked me in some way. Traumatic shock. Now, I seriously think I really might have done badly for... almost everything. Mum still called me after every paper to ask me how it went. I told her after Math that it feels like all teachers are trying to fail us deliberately. She replied, "不升级就不升，方正学费不贵，多读一年也好。" :")

What I now know from this past month is that I learnt far more than Vectors, DNA fingerprinting, population resources or alkanes. I learnt I am surrounded by people I love, who love me back. My worries are insignificant. Somehow through it, I also reviewed who I am as a person. It is more important to be positive. These are the more important things in the game of life.

I didn't know I have to learn it this way. This lesson is a great gift to the heart, I think I wouldn't have it any other way.

x

It's June!!! It's another holiday season. Like every year, we ask: what holiday? This june is even more special because it is even less of a holiday. Our exams actually begin right after this break.

I thought it was a nice placement, because after all, you are given one month at your disposal to study for your subjects. If I can make do with a few days or even one night for all my previous tests surely I can do it with an average of one week per subject.

What can go wrong??

Since it's June, it calls for some closure on the first half of 2015. It a pretty wild year so far, I guess. I've accomplished so much more in shchoir (SYF and concert) and ISAC. Thought studies would be tough but have yet to fail anything (OK except for that 5/21 atmo paper. Hahahaha h8 u physical-technical-geog) which is pleasantly surprising. Went for a geog competition (which was on urban geog!) with the best team ever and winning something was the cherry on top :) Crazy planning for DHAP finally ended after 3 days which effectively consumed all of my first week of holidays. Spent the weekend preparing for MES which was good but to be honest, I wouldn't go if I had a choice. Lost another 3 days in week 2 and really only began studying for JCTs last Thursday.

Just wanna spend more time to talk about choir: I still remember that fateful Monday practice when Ms Tham and the teachers sat us down for the whole 3 hours to talk about whether or not we want to pull out of SYF. We were already short on time (Ideally, 3 songs should be completed by Jan but it was late Jan and we were not even near done with Impressions), Ms Tham practices are once a week, and she just spent the whole practice doing zero singing - put two and two together, you realise that the this is pretty much a very, very grave matter. But it was also the most raw practice I've ever been to, because each one of us had to say if we wanted to go, which led to really heart-warming, passionate speeches and tears. More tears than expected. So many different perspectives - how this SYF is a last time to share the stage with lifelong friends, "MCTs are not even graded anyway", I don't want to live a life with regrets, I'm new but I really want to try, you all are the best thing that has ever happened to me and even if it's a difficult fight I want us to go and fight - I want to fight. It was an emotional practice. Afterward, my whatsapp ringed all night with this same group of people reinforcing what was discussed, and now with solid plans on how we need to toughen up ourselves physically, musically, mentally.

It was easy to get inspired but the months that followed were an uphill climb. Our seniors were crazy smart, and half of them were knocked down to go for friday H3 lessons (this doesn't even include those who took the school-based H3s - they are insane), so a quarter of the choir was gone. In fact, we probably didnt get through all three songs without breaking down until late February - which leaves us with 2 weeks to get to a suitable standard so our paid test rehearsal won't go to waste. There was a lot of chionging - the moment year 6s ended their CT, we jumped into a bus for NJC to exchange our pieces (needless to say it left us completely demoralized as we did not do well). Somewhere along the way, all the after-practice reflections, PTs, getting scolded for being late for Saturday pracs, tears, more tears, muscle aches, tideous cramming of Impressions (100++ bars of rhythm and melody with zero pattern oh my god), lou-hei, after-prac dinners, a lot of familiar laughter, very stupid whatsapp conversations, even stupider photos, we made it for school for PT at 6.30am on that Thursday, we sang and danced to siepe (but alas it was sharp) at the track with sun rising in the horizon, showered and ate breakfast in the canteen and tricking the whole school into thinking we slept over, had flag-raising in the Choir room. Standing backstage and doing pre-concert rituals. Somehow Ms Tham's smile reassures. Suddenly it did not matter that we, a choir who dangerously met the number requirement for SYF, were sandwiched between two powerhouse choirs. It did not matter that there was a chance our efforts may not be met with a Distinction (this is exactly the point during aforementioned Monday). It did not matter because I had the best performance ever in my 5 years of Choir and I actually legit felt VERY happy for the first time as I stepped down. It did not matter when we found out by noon the next day we did get the D and Mrs Lee and Hilda and I ran towards each other in the canteen and screamed while in embrace. Truly, no regrets.

It was also half a year of emotional extremes I guess? As highlighted by previous post. To those who really came and talk to me: It really wasn't aimed at any one of you. I meant it in a really general sense. If it's anyone's problem it should be mine. You are all very precious to me and you get me going :-) I am managing better. Slowly but surely.

Don't know whether to laugh and cry at my state of revision.

Going crazy as I live in this stupid place of a hellhole. I often say that my family is of utmost importance to me and that I cherish them a lot, I really do, but I am nothing in their eyes as compared to what they are in my eyes. Ha, funny how this is reflective of all my friendships. I say "all" without blinking an eye. It's true, I don't have a best friend, though I do hold some people close to me, I know they all chase for other priorities in their lives.

This isn't a post looking for pity and sympathy. For most part, I have long given up on searching for "that best friend" and just try my best to maintain a few. I willingly do things alone, and I am more than okay with it. 

What pushed me past my breaking point to lash out on virtual space is really none other than people who have the same blood pulsing through their veins as me. 

I am usually very composed and I take shit really well. But in the recent year I think I am losing myself. I am so afraid, because I am losing grab of my emotions. And I am so used of having full control of how I feel. I tell myself I am a tough girl but it gets difficult in recent times. I catch myself shaking and having urges to punch items or pick up the things nearest to me and throw it with all the energy I can muster. I catch myself wanting to crudely point all my middle fingers (sadly, only have two.) I used to adopt the "talk politely and logically to people who talk shit to you" approach but nowadays it is almost an reflex that I raise my voice when I talk. 

Numerous times I have teared this year because I realised no one in this family understands my intent and what I want to express. 

There is nobody I can talk this to. And no, not a counselor. I don't believe in this whole counselor thing. Listen to this: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I am not stressed. Contrary to that I actually no longer give a shit about the rights I have at home. I try my best at school. No, I don't intend to self-harm/ starve myself/ join a gang/ smoke/ play truancy. So, I don't need a counselor. What I need is someone to listen. No, I don't even ask for that much. I just need somewhere kind enough to take in my angst and bury it.

Confession: I sometimes stay in school till as late as I can because it means lesser time spent idling at home. I avoid the probabilities altogether. It's sick, but at least I'm not avoiding bedtime.

Japan

I miss Japan.

Honestly, this (say: that) holiday was my best and also worst vacation so far. I want to repeat those days and don't want to do it again at the same time. It's conflicting, it's complicated. But for all the goodness of Japan that I got to experience, I am grateful. For the things I once only dreamt of, thank you for making it come true. 

x

Prince Ali

Hi world.

Found some time to update this space, but I got carried away looking at my drafts. So I decided to publish one of it. Sad to say, this post wasn't published because it was not complete then but a whole year later, it remained status quo. Hope this makes up for one year of missing posts!

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03/02/2014

Some updates into 2014 :)

It's week 4 tomorrow, can't believe three weeks of the year flew by rather quickly. Lessons were fast-paced, I think we learnt a lot of stuff already and each subject is completing 10-20% of the year's topics? (assuming that each topic has an equal weighing.) I've also been rather busy with a lot of choir stuff, from CCA orientation to hosting auditions, it allowed me to view choir in a very different point of view and I am immensely grateful for that.

Speaking about CCA, I am also really grateful to have super supportive teachers in charge (basically the chem teachers) who gave us words of encouragements or even dropped by meetings. We have upgraded with a grand total of 2 digital keyboards :'D and musical this year is gonna be ALADDIN. Yay much? It's gonna be so fun with all the quirky songs, sudden changing moods, which would mean super fun choreo (unlike phantom which has a lot of themes to do with love) and the costumes!! (omg the costumes??) I think we can finally destroy that ugly side of choir where we always standardize our costumes. Like we always wear all white dresses, or everyone wears a black maxi with a chiffon top... This is probably the only choreo performance where we can be so random (in terms of style) in what we dress that we actually look pretty. Like some people wear long skirts, some dresses, some top with bottom and a sash 'round the waist, some can wear headscarves, some wear bangles/huge earrings... ahh! Can't wait! :')

(This also means aladdin songs are prob gonna be stuck with me for the next 5 months so sorry friends if you catch me humming it unknowingly. It is a music thing. Not my fault.)

Choir is honestly one of the best things that have happened in my life and is probably one of the only reasons why I still drag myself to school. To be honest, the past year had been a trying time for me in choir and I think there were experiences that really tested my passion for choir? But this year, people have taught me to put negative thinking aside and how I can make the best of things. I am so grateful for these people - seniors, batchies, juniors - who were there with me when I was really down, and today I daresay I am looking at those events in choir with a more positive outlook. Happy about the improvements and I hope that it will get better from here. Go dhschoir :)

Chingay parade is also coming up and I really can't wait to go for it. Went to NE show with yx just yesterday and though we couldn't stay for the rehearsal we were glad to have crapped so much with Rajes and her (boy)friend Asrhard hahaha and it was really funny cuz this year our contingent got this whole bunch of 11-13 year olds to be motivators and we spent half the time commenting on theose kids. Rajes said that they were probably "just born" and "freshly out of the womb" (which made us laugh), because they hardly look legit to be doing well as an motivator?? And they were dressing way too mature for their own age with things like leggings/snapbacks ("that snapback tho" -yx), also behaving way too rowdily. What if they screw up our cheers ಠ_ಠ

....
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Musings after reading:

As I read this I reflect on things that were part of my life from a year ago, and I find it funny how I used to be so stressed up over issues that I now know are nothing of great concern. I think it's alright to say this now - actually, there was a period of time when I was upset over how my juniors openly discussed about how they detested attending CCA, and long story short I blamed myself over how my decisions as a leader may have distinguished the fire burning in them. Wow - it's 2015 now and honestly? I think I worried for nothing not only because I had friends who comforted me and tried to dismiss my inadequacies,  but because all these juniors needed was something really, really simple that I would not understand then - time. More than a year later, these group of juniors have improved tremendously, some are stepping up, some are improving, and they are all trying, trying, trying their best to find their ways around. My relationships with even the most difficult among them have improved. Yes, they reacted wildly to unpopular decisions made by leaders. Slowly but surely, they understood. Seeing them preparing to take over as seniors really warms my heart and I am so proud of them :')

Above all, why did I worry? I didn't have to worry. Things would become fine. From a realist-optimist point of view: bigger worries will come by, and they will outweigh these matters, and issues become trivial as they age with time. As seen from how senior high syllabus has been so much more intense in these 4 months than I have ever experienced in the past two years. (ha)

I am reminded once again that we should never be deterred by events that are less than desirable. And if you have to feel down, then learn to pick yourself up and never give up. Because one day, one day many seconds later, you will realise how trivial your worries were. And at that moment, it would be a great shame if all you feel is grief and regret.