to: young me

This letter is written to Xinyan's younger self from sometime in the middle of 2018, who she will name, "young me".

Dear young me,

What time is it over there as you read this? Sometime in July I hope, time travelling is still an attractive concept that isn't all that well thought-out yet.

At this time you should be travelling around the UK, Germany and Italy. It is your first time in Europe and you sure had the balls to do it solo. Just a while earlier, you completed your first year at law school and received a considerably strong set of results. As summer started, you trained up to 13 hours a week with nuschoir and juggled an internship towards the end of the practice season. It was your first law internship and at one of the biggest law firms in Singapore. Oh, Congratulations on Choir of the World, that was so sick! Never in your life you would have imagined going on a choir competition in the western world, let alone winning the competition. Every day would also bring a dizzying excitement because - have you realised yet? - you were falling in love. It was the first time you were really attracted to someone ever since you got more mature and all. Supposedly both of you spent a while being confused about where this would go, but it is now obvious that feelings are mutual. As you two are in the same timezone somehow, through a little phone screen, it doesn't feel that both of you are that far apart. It would be an understatement to say that life has been treating you well so far.

So how and where do I begin? I hate being the bearer of bad news. Also this is going to sound morbid, but here goes -

You died. I know, this sounds ridiculous, and if you were really reading this you will probably just laugh at this piece of paper and then scrunch it up into a ball (and then get really paranoid by nightfall). I mean, you aren't going to die die, only figuratively. Also it would make this letter really freaking creepy. It's just that the downhill ride that life would take you on this point onward would start killing parts of your being, bit by bit.

When you get to Rome, you will meet two acquaintances whom you have never spoken to at school, but you thought it wouldn't hurt to meet people who were more familiar with this city. They bring you to a student bar that they frequented, and against your better judgement you drink more liquor than you could hold. The next thing you know, you were pinned under him. It will be a while before it finally registers in your head that he took advantage of you that night, that the default position with respect to certain guys is that you cannot trust them because they cannot control themselves.

And then the love you experienced will fall short of what you thought was potential. It will be the first time you experience a heartbreak that really destroys you. You will end the relationship feeling like he played with your feelings. The impasse between what you thought in your head and what you feel in your heart would take up more time than you expect. In fact, you would be so stubborn that you can get over it yourself, that you exactly do nothing about it except tell varied, incomplete perspectives to some of your friends. You also stopped after a while as you didn't want to bother them with your woes. You thought you were always independent and could cope by yourself. Time and again, he reminds you over the year that you were hurting.

Here's the kicker: while all these are happening, you will not realise that you are slipping into downward spiral.

This denial is dangerous, of course. You never really clutched yourself out of it until a year later, confronting your problems head on with your faculty's student advisor and finally acknowledging you were suffering alone.

You would go through the motions of studying, slavishly turn up for lecture (while texting Xin Hui "eh save seat for me pls" every Monday at 9.55am as you briskwalk through botans), book a spot in the study room, and then your mind wanders everywhere except on the work that you were supposed to be doing. You have absolutely no interest in all the commitments you have in Tembusu but you were too much of a pussy to renege on them or to be an asshole in general. You quit choir after singing for Beethoven's 9th with them. You would think with all these free time you would put it to good use studying, especially when you really needed to catch up on the work at the earlier parts of the semester. You just spent all your time missing an asshole who broke your heart i.e. completely wasted your time. You should just take it from me that you are wired to dabble in everything which catches your interest and you perform better when you're forced to manage your time well.

And, you would display all these red flags which you should tell your friends to take note in future. You read your old chat message all the time. You will also finally find the guts to delete your old conversation 10 months later, which is 10 months too late. Sometimes you just lie on your bed doing absolutely nothing. Become way more dispassionate about everything. You start to have no standards for the work you are producing, taking on a more "heck care" approach to your academics (take for example, simply conceding that "you have shitty profs" when you used to be a firm believer that there are no shit profs, only shit students). In this vein, feeling like you have changed. Receiving remarks such as "you know, that wasn't your stance" or "you never used to say this", when you knew you were a person with a strong sense of self-belief. Once, hanging out with a choir senior before watching this year's concert, and she says, "why do I feel that you've become sadder?"

The worst is when you changed into the person you would never imagine you would become. Before he left, he asked for an one-off, no feelings, no emotions, just physical enjoyment. You gave it to him and it broke you. You would end up making out with an exchanger at the club and absolutely surprise yourself with your trashiness. Ironically there was an upside, which was that it did temporarily or otherwise satisfy some sort of a craving for intimacy, made you forget about how much you missed him, and you finally focused on your studies. Except it was late March and too fucking late. You had straight Cs for the entire year. If there was a most deproved student award you would have won it without a doubt.

Year 2 was a disaster, whose early warning signals were all to be missed by shitty forecasting, and its effects too daunting with non-existent mitigation or response measures.

You would recount all these to your advisor and feel for the first time how pathetic your entire year had been. It was absolutely ridiculous to lose so much over a guy. "I don't even think this is the worst shit I will experience in this life," you would admit.

And then she will ask you if there is anyone in your life you would trust to recognise your signs of distress. Who would kick you so damn hard if he or she saw the 'you' of today?

This is why I'm writing to you, young me.

With her prompting, I recounted the last time I was truly happy in my life. It was when I saw more As than I had ever seen in my life on the day I collected my A level results, and enjoying the sweet taste of knowing all your hard work paid off. That you thought As were everything and suddenly it was the most trivial thing on earth. Validating your beliefs that you were always smart in your own way, and can be as good as your classmates who had consistently strong showing in their academics. That you were nervous about uni admissions, but by and large dealt with it by not overthinking and simply doing your best. All that pays off and you spent your first year selling your soul to school, choir, Tembusu also fulfilling your personal wish for school to be more than academics, and emerge with a pretty alright set of results while doing nothing more than your "best". Feeling like you could achieve any damn thing in the world.

young me, if  I could, I will give you a hug right now and tell you how precious you are. Granted, young me was brazen, a little reckless sometimes. But, young me was also a daring girl, full of conviction and scarily independent. The paths she charted was wide enough only for herself but she would sprint down it if she needed to.

I hope you would hug me back, because I really need a hug right now. I need you to kick me in my face too, but first, hug.

Now, if an outsider reads this, they will surely tell you that I am crazy. Huh, same person what, refer to you in third person for what. I'll tell you for what.

Because I am no longer you.

All that transpired in the past year has killed your spirit. Something about sexual awakening and other mental distress that makes you lose a lot of innocence and idealism, I guess. I have this very weird out-of-body awareness now that I am no longer a kid, not that I ever consciously thought of myself as a kid, but that I am way more cautious nowadays.

I am now scared of doing absolutely anything, because I feel extremely disappointed in myself to have been rattled by all things... emotional. Academically, my confidence has taken a hit and I feel like a fraud whose year one results were a fluke. Even as I recover and am trying to move on, I feel a strong sense of inertia because I perhaps, objectively think I am not capable of that. I become very calculative of my chances of future success, significantly shortchanging myself in the whole process.

I am no longer you. This is why I want to keep us separate. Because while I so desperately need your courage, faith and attitude, your naivety was your pitfall. Thinking back, I have been feeling distressed by a lot of figures (way more than the two boys) who turned out to be way more different than my naive self had so easily trusted initially. I used to be naive but I think I can no longer afford to remain as open. Moving forward, if I were to provide so selflessly as a friend and lover, then I ought to be careful about who I let into my life and give my affections to.

When you walked out of my life, I relied heavily on my independence and thought I must shut down all my ability to feel, but that was a fatal move because I am actually, a very emotional being. There, I said it. young me, I feel a strange sense of relief washing over me to admit that because I think I spent my entire life believing it was a weakness to be emotional, and denied it to the ends of the earth. Your coping mechanism throughout two years of A levels was crying and then feeling aggravated by how you're "feeling sad over dumbass grades", remember? During then, Mrs Bok already told you that you were emotional, that you should embrace it but take heed of your triggers. You promptly forget this lesson once life "got better". You always got upset when people were not as empathetic as you expected them to be. People will tell you that there is a logical basis to the development of your emotions, that you feel deeply, and you should accept it. But you don't listen, you never took heed of these signs.

So young me, please do. Spare me the later turmoil. This is why you care about the feelings of those about you, this is why you have always been so self-aware, this is why your sense of intutition is strong, this is why you were not capable of having a no-strings attached relationship, this is why when you stop any emotional inlets, you will lose the very essence of who you are. You are because you feel. I am sorry, I spent the past year trying to tell you to feel nothing, trampling all over your feelings until they turn into dust.

When the ability to feel is so important, and so lacking in the world, that you can definitely use it to be the best you can.

I want to let you into my life again. Come hang out with me, a bit older, hopefully a little wiser, much more tired and less hopeful. Sorry for being an unattractive hang buddy but I'll buy you green milk tea.

Would you please come back?

Love,
Xinyan

Thank you for being at my 21st

I never really expected to a hold a "party", because I thought it was so self-indulgent and all, but when my mum really went to get me a room for my birthday I suddenly thought how dope it would be if people dear to me could share this day with me. So allow me to be selfish on this day, and make it all about how blessed I am with my friends and family. x

Sunset

Today I watched my first sunset at UTown. Usually, I don't pay much attention to dusk as my room window faces the opposite direction. As my friends and I marveled at this view at the 21st floor, a girl casually told us: "The sky is orange because of pollution," while holding her phone up to take a picture. "I'm a Geography student."

I looked at the dorm rooms, busy roads lit with cars, Keppel bay in the distance. The world moves on, and so should you and I.

伞内//伞外

玲珑的三折花伞
一节又一节
把热带的雨季
乍然旋开了

我不知该往何处会你
伞内，还是伞外
然后共撑一小块晴天
让淅沥的雨声
轻轻且富韵律地
敲打着古老的回忆

听雨的青涩年龄
管他是否已尾随
喧噪了一个夏季的
蝉叫，陷阱泥潭
只要撑着伞内的春
我们边拥有一切，包括
沼泽里笨拙的蛙鸣

二月底三月初
我折起伞外的雨季
你敢不敢也折起我
收在贴胸的口袋里
黄昏时，在望园楼
看一抹霞色
如何从我双颊飞起
染红湖上一轮落日

Untitled

I think we both acknowledge that we shared a very unique connection, one that will not allow us to forget each other anytime soon. 

There was attraction. I wanted to go look for you after your talk but I decided it was weird (you beat me to all that, anyway). When the world around us doesn't exist, we know we are quite fond of each other.

I haven’t felt this kind of connection with anybody in a long time. This is why what we shared is even harder to forget, and a part of me is so frustrated. How am I going to vibe with another person in the same way again?

I try to reason with myself, that what I am feeling now is nothing more than an infatuation. Though I’ve told you more than I told anybody, I don’t think the conversations we had were sufficiently deep or giving of who you are as a person. Though we get along so well, the fact that I always have to second guess how you are feeling about this whole thing is not good. Though you notice things about me, you can’t seem to remember where I stay. Though I like to think I am confident about myself, I am a little intimidated by your abilities and I doubt I can match up to you. That the truth is we have barely known each other for 3 months and sadly we cannot go any further than this in the foreseeable future. We both have space in our life to have a bit of fun and give in to our desires to flirt dangerously but honestly nothing more than that will materialise. You are crazy ambitious, and soon leaving on your inevitable journey of self-discovery. 

Yet, what is tough is the wishful thinking that eludes all rationality and logic. That no matter how I reason with myself (which I think is already done in a very mature and resolute manner), it all fell apart the last we met. 

Maybe its our banter which I will never admit that I enjoy. How you actually brought attention to parts of myself which you think I should be more accepting of. Allowing me to know a side of you which many do not begin to understand. Our connection which locked in tightly with me since the day we met, really. That you are some of the smartest and most aware people I've ever had to privilege to meet. Your touch lingers on my skin. 

When I left and was alone by myself, I felt an unexplainable sadness and almost teared up. I hate it, so many questions, so little time to answer all of it while we can. I don't think I want to prolong our friendship if it is going to die, frankly when distance separates us and our conversations die I think it will hurt. I guess, I will force myself to move on. I have to.

But I write this for the nights when my head is too active and sleep precludes me, or when my mind wanders even when I’m doing work I supposedly enjoy. Maybe one day when I can’t take it anymore, I’ll go back to the places where we once shared a moment, give in to my feelings, and sink into a memory that I wish was my reality. For a few moments anyway, it shall be. 

Birthday

On my 20th I didn't do much. I didn't feel much either, maybe because it was a Monday, and Mondays are sad days in general. Even if there are no classes, commitments, or deadlines, there is something in the monday air that sits weirdly in my chest. Do you feel?? Anyway, I ALSO had classes, deadlines and practice on the Monday that was my birthday.

I've never been a fan of birthdays - to me, it's a nice way to celebrate one's existence thus far especially with those who matter. But I don't really like how this whole birthday thing has been blown up and commercialized, much like Mothers' Day, Valentine's or Christmas, to become an event where gifts are expected and the guestlists are a parade of one's social circles. So I guess it can feel really bad especially if people who doesn't make friends easily for whatever reasons - which definitely happens - begin to feel upset on their birthday when no one (by this I really mean the "friends" they thought mattered) remembered it - due to these social norms surrounding Birthdays. I rather that I know my birthday is personal to me, not announce it save for my friends who remember, and spend it with my parents - whose lives definitely changed when I decided to pop out at 6.30am after half a day of labour... 20 years ago...

Since I had to practice on Monday, I went out with my parents on the Sunday before. My mother wanted to treat me to something nice but I'm kind of a cheapo so... we eventually settled on some "high tea" for two at Arteastiq. It was my first time having a rich tai tai's tea although I know this is already a more accessible option for us lesser mortals. It was a really nice selection of desserts and savory snacks with a drink, and the teas and coffees were already very substantial by itself, all for about $20 per person. I really enjoyed my meal there, and my mum and I couldn't stop taking pictures and pretending to be atas, high SES and all.

After which, we went shopping around before meeting my dad for a dinner at PS Cafe, which I heard lots about. The food was really amazing but really, my heart still couldn't tank the price. Thank goodness my mother and I were not big eaters, so we shared an appetizer and main. It was a really good meal too, my heart and belly are full!

On the next day when I went to school for morning LARC, I took the usual route from botans to block B. This is a route I had taken many times, and really, there is nothing special about this route except for times when wild animals trod into your path - once, I heard really loud stomping and realised two of the resident black swans were waddling towards me (it was scary ok, they were more than half my height up close), or the monitor lizards that will dash across the red brick path to the amusement of passersby. But that day, I was pleasantly surprised to see a beautiful blooming of bougainvillea over the wooden benches area and it was really such a sight to behold, a more brilliant-than-usual shade of pink contrasting the sky. It was a sight that I could have easily taken for granted if I didn't bother to look up from my phone. There is nothing extremely significant about this but it made me smile - thanks, universe!

While these events didn't happen on my actual birthday, I was heartened to be caught among celebrations by friends who liked to surprise people with cakes. On the Wednesday following my birthday, I completed a concert, and came out of backstage to my batchies who gave me so so so much cake. Including Edwin's bakes: the thought of Edwin even baking anything is ???!!

As I went back to Tembu that night, I was also in wonderful company on the way back (thanks, for sheepishly wishing me "happy birthday" days ago). When I reached the comfort of my room, I was chilling (with my red lippie and all) when my suitemates decided to burst through my door (OK, technically the door was open, but they sure were quiet about bringing a lighted candle to me) and one of my suitemates, Tammy, even surprised me on facetime. TECHNOLOGY, YOU ARE AMAZING. And the whole time, I didn't know that my schoolmates wanted to do something for me too. That Saturday, Xin Hui and I were chionging the combined part of our memo in school and she sneakily asked me what kind of cake I liked (am a red velvet cream cheese wh0re).

And then as LARC the following monday came to a close, my normal and extremely unhappening professor would look expectantly at the door, only for Nadine to come into our classroom with a homemade, tiered, self-frosted red velvet cake. Monday to next, we have come a full circle.

I honestly cannot be more grateful. Thank you, for celebrating my existence.

Penang

During the weekend before recess week started, I was lazing on the sofa, when my mum stuck her head over the sofa to look down at me: "want go Malaysia?"

"I kinda only want to go Penang."

And then we bought a pair of tickets for $70.

I guess it was just want one of the plus sides to not having mid-terms, plus I finished my half-memo assignment just the day before. The next major submission was two weeks away - so why not?

Interesting (learning) experiences already started on the first hour of our day in Penang. I watched a youtube video which recommended breakfast at a Macalister Street, near the hotel where we stayed. My mum and I were just walking, giggling, minding our own business - when my mum suddenly gasped in a horrified manner and pulled me aside. She told me she saw something "perverted" happening in the car that we just passed. In my mind I unwillingly acknowledged that I have now reached the age where my mum thinks I must have known the guy either (1) flashed himself or (2) was jerking off in the car. Really, I was reluctantly about to ask her if it was that before - thankfully - she first clarified that it were a group of guys who looked at her in the eye, waved and winked. Since this was obviously less trivial than the kind of obscenity I was imaging, I teased my mum that it must be because she was still young and pretty-

Until we noticed that their bright blue Toyota reversed uncomfortably close to us.They didn't stop, until they had no choice because another car drove down the one-way street that was wide enough for only one car.

My mum grabbed my arm and hurriedly pulled me down the road. Along the way, she kept panicking about how the guys the guys were suspicious, and they are going to drive one round to come back for us. I was kind of scared, but at the same time I thought it might not be very possible. Plus I was starting to get more annoyed at how she started to link this up to blaming me for coming to such a place for breakfast, as if I knew anything about Penang beforehand. So, I admit I was quite irritated upon finding the coffeeshop at the end of the road, and I left my mum at the table to place orders at a stall that was outside the physical shop. Until I saw that bright blue car drive right past the front of the shop just as I was about to head out of it, driving right down the road that we could have been on if we didn't run.

We ended up safe, and had quite a decent breakfast for our first taste at Penang hawker fare. But it was a a big scare that left me feeling upset at myself for not trusting my mum, or not taking enough heed or care at my safety while overseas. If I wanted to be an independent girl whose parents can trust me taking care of myself, then I cannot let my guard down in observing even the smallest and most trivial of incidents.

-

Another memory I really enjoyed was when my mum and I found all these wonderful, spontaneous food stops near where we stayed. I loved the Presgrave Hawker Centre which was along the back alleys behind our hotel: food were perhaps not prepared in the cleanest of conditions and used plates were cast on the floor (where the rats scurried past), but it was so authentic, affordable, and very tasty! Some of my favorites there were lor mee, hokkien mee (which is more similar to our prawn mee), and ice kachang. The ice kachang was life changing and I don't think I'll ever have any versions that can top it. Maybe I'm biased, and I risk getting lynched for saying this but I really dislike "tadpoles", agar agar and other weird colourful jellies that swim remains of your ice kachang, and am a bigger fan of red bean and evaporated milk instead. So penang's ice kachang was all that, minus the red/green/yellow nonsense, and topped with a scoop of PEANUT BUTTER ICE-CREAM? Food poisoning risk 100% worth it.

Or when we passed by this old auntie who was making piping hot bowls of noodles. It was a pretty unique creation that's more along the lines of homecooked fare - the newspaper clippings on her stall called it "golden noodles", and it was noodles in a simple, clear pork broth, with fishballs and meatballs, egg, and topped with some lettuce and crispy lard. The classic order is with maggi noodles but of course you can opt for some other fresh noodles too. To me, it was exactly the dish that tasted like home. There's nothing special about it like that of chicken rice, orh chien or char kway teow but it's what you will crave for when you are nursing a heartache, recovering from a flu, or feeling absolute shit in school. It's brought so much warmth and comfort to me even if it was my first time having it.

Top all these off with the white coffee we ordered every morning without fail. It was very fragrant. And sweet. Like the memories.

-

We also spent one day on a "day trip" to Air Itam, to look at Kek Lok Si, a beautiful temple complex and the biggest Buddhist temple in Malaysia. As it was a suburb of Georgetown, we took the public bus which took us around 40 minutes to reach. Penang is one of (if I am not mistaken, it is the only) town that is fully served by a functioning public bus system. We really enjoyed taking the buses everywhere: it is truly so cheap, well-connected, and the buses were clean and comfortable enough.

On the way to Kek Lok Si, my mother and I also got acquainted with an old lady who sat in the seats in front of us. We were just looking out of the window, and maybe spoke loud enough for the old lady to notice that we were not locals, and she offered to let us know that the Chinese High School outside our windows was the most established Chinese school in Penang. My mother chatted with her for the rest of the way, and we learnt that she was on her usual volunteering trip to an old folk's home (or hospice) at the foot of Kek Lok Si. We was such a warm and lovely lady, and I am heartened to have experienced a bit of Penang's kind hospitality through her.

I learnt that Kek Lok Si temple is the largest Buddhist temple in the whole of Malaysia, and even an important pilgrimage center for many Buddhists in South-east Asia. Indeed, it was a majestic sight to behold, an entire complex of many, many prayer halls, one pagoda tower, a large Buddha statue, and various gardens. We spent the entire morning understanding more about the faith and my mother took some time to get some fortunes or good blessings for my brother as well. I mean, we are not believers but I guess we could use some divine intervention in desperate times. HAHAHA.

For lunch, we had the famous Air Itam Assam Laksa, a humble assam laksa stall that is set up at the bus stations near the foot of the hill. We sat and watched the workers of the stall skillfully pull out the special laksa noodles and throw it into the boiling water, giving the strainer a few good shakes in an almost artistic manner, ladle on the thick assam fish soup, and then topping it up with some greens (which I assume should be some lettuce + herbs). Initially, my mum was actually quite repulsed by the slight fishy smell that linger in the air, perhaps once again with the fact that food stalls here are really not maintained in the cleanest of conditions. But hey, I think that's part of the experience. It tasted really good and unlike all the (now mild) assam laksas I've tried in Singapore! However, the fish pieces were quite minced and I hardly found any bigger pieces, so its shiokness was compromised on that aspect.

Since we were in the region, we went to Penang Hill as well, and enjoyed a nice paranomic view of Georgetown from its peak. It was quite a touristy place actually, and it definitely isn't famous for scenic views or grenery, just some nice cityscapes. As usual, my mum and I just spent our time chatting together.

-

If your extended family can be represented by Malaysia (with Singapore being that Uncle who once really needed you during a tight time, but you thought he was embarrassing af, and now he is rich n famous while you are old and fat), then Penang is the hippie cousin who reads tarot cards for a living. And, you can never tell if he is sober. Also he probably has a body full of tattoos, which manifests itself in Penang's many famous wall murals. Bad analogy and horrible lead-in, but I'm not paid for this man.

It provided kinda a rustic vibe to the place, which was refreshing. Georgetown gave a glimpse of what the world was frozen in time and I guess I appreciate the role it plays in maintaining a bit of soul in our cosmopolitan world today.

I'll end off this post with even more (so so so good and cheap) food. Penang, you are such a charming place. I'll visit you again and be spoiled by your food and sights!

x