to: young me

This letter is written to Xinyan's younger self from sometime in the middle of 2018, who she will name, "young me".

Dear young me,

What time is it over there as you read this? Sometime in July I hope, time travelling is still an attractive concept that isn't all that well thought-out yet.

At this time you should be travelling around the UK, Germany and Italy. It is your first time in Europe and you sure had the balls to do it solo. Just a while earlier, you completed your first year at law school and received a considerably strong set of results. As summer started, you trained up to 13 hours a week with nuschoir and juggled an internship towards the end of the practice season. It was your first law internship and at one of the biggest law firms in Singapore. Oh, Congratulations on Choir of the World, that was so sick! Never in your life you would have imagined going on a choir competition in the western world, let alone winning the competition. Every day would also bring a dizzying excitement because - have you realised yet? - you were falling in love. It was the first time you were really attracted to someone ever since you got more mature and all. Supposedly both of you spent a while being confused about where this would go, but it is now obvious that feelings are mutual. As you two are in the same timezone somehow, through a little phone screen, it doesn't feel that both of you are that far apart. It would be an understatement to say that life has been treating you well so far.

So how and where do I begin? I hate being the bearer of bad news. Also this is going to sound morbid, but here goes -

You died. I know, this sounds ridiculous, and if you were really reading this you will probably just laugh at this piece of paper and then scrunch it up into a ball (and then get really paranoid by nightfall). I mean, you aren't going to die die, only figuratively. Also it would make this letter really freaking creepy. It's just that the downhill ride that life would take you on this point onward would start killing parts of your being, bit by bit.

When you get to Rome, you will meet two acquaintances whom you have never spoken to at school, but you thought it wouldn't hurt to meet people who were more familiar with this city. They bring you to a student bar that they frequented, and against your better judgement you drink more liquor than you could hold. The next thing you know, you were pinned under him. It will be a while before it finally registers in your head that he took advantage of you that night, that the default position with respect to certain guys is that you cannot trust them because they cannot control themselves.

And then the love you experienced will fall short of what you thought was potential. It will be the first time you experience a heartbreak that really destroys you. You will end the relationship feeling like he played with your feelings. The impasse between what you thought in your head and what you feel in your heart would take up more time than you expect. In fact, you would be so stubborn that you can get over it yourself, that you exactly do nothing about it except tell varied, incomplete perspectives to some of your friends. You also stopped after a while as you didn't want to bother them with your woes. You thought you were always independent and could cope by yourself. Time and again, he reminds you over the year that you were hurting.

Here's the kicker: while all these are happening, you will not realise that you are slipping into downward spiral.

This denial is dangerous, of course. You never really clutched yourself out of it until a year later, confronting your problems head on with your faculty's student advisor and finally acknowledging you were suffering alone.

You would go through the motions of studying, slavishly turn up for lecture (while texting Xin Hui "eh save seat for me pls" every Monday at 9.55am as you briskwalk through botans), book a spot in the study room, and then your mind wanders everywhere except on the work that you were supposed to be doing. You have absolutely no interest in all the commitments you have in Tembusu but you were too much of a pussy to renege on them or to be an asshole in general. You quit choir after singing for Beethoven's 9th with them. You would think with all these free time you would put it to good use studying, especially when you really needed to catch up on the work at the earlier parts of the semester. You just spent all your time missing an asshole who broke your heart i.e. completely wasted your time. You should just take it from me that you are wired to dabble in everything which catches your interest and you perform better when you're forced to manage your time well.

And, you would display all these red flags which you should tell your friends to take note in future. You read your old chat message all the time. You will also finally find the guts to delete your old conversation 10 months later, which is 10 months too late. Sometimes you just lie on your bed doing absolutely nothing. Become way more dispassionate about everything. You start to have no standards for the work you are producing, taking on a more "heck care" approach to your academics (take for example, simply conceding that "you have shitty profs" when you used to be a firm believer that there are no shit profs, only shit students). In this vein, feeling like you have changed. Receiving remarks such as "you know, that wasn't your stance" or "you never used to say this", when you knew you were a person with a strong sense of self-belief. Once, hanging out with a choir senior before watching this year's concert, and she says, "why do I feel that you've become sadder?"

The worst is when you changed into the person you would never imagine you would become. Before he left, he asked for an one-off, no feelings, no emotions, just physical enjoyment. You gave it to him and it broke you. You would end up making out with an exchanger at the club and absolutely surprise yourself with your trashiness. Ironically there was an upside, which was that it did temporarily or otherwise satisfy some sort of a craving for intimacy, made you forget about how much you missed him, and you finally focused on your studies. Except it was late March and too fucking late. You had straight Cs for the entire year. If there was a most deproved student award you would have won it without a doubt.

Year 2 was a disaster, whose early warning signals were all to be missed by shitty forecasting, and its effects too daunting with non-existent mitigation or response measures.

You would recount all these to your advisor and feel for the first time how pathetic your entire year had been. It was absolutely ridiculous to lose so much over a guy. "I don't even think this is the worst shit I will experience in this life," you would admit.

And then she will ask you if there is anyone in your life you would trust to recognise your signs of distress. Who would kick you so damn hard if he or she saw the 'you' of today?

This is why I'm writing to you, young me.

With her prompting, I recounted the last time I was truly happy in my life. It was when I saw more As than I had ever seen in my life on the day I collected my A level results, and enjoying the sweet taste of knowing all your hard work paid off. That you thought As were everything and suddenly it was the most trivial thing on earth. Validating your beliefs that you were always smart in your own way, and can be as good as your classmates who had consistently strong showing in their academics. That you were nervous about uni admissions, but by and large dealt with it by not overthinking and simply doing your best. All that pays off and you spent your first year selling your soul to school, choir, Tembusu also fulfilling your personal wish for school to be more than academics, and emerge with a pretty alright set of results while doing nothing more than your "best". Feeling like you could achieve any damn thing in the world.

young me, if  I could, I will give you a hug right now and tell you how precious you are. Granted, young me was brazen, a little reckless sometimes. But, young me was also a daring girl, full of conviction and scarily independent. The paths she charted was wide enough only for herself but she would sprint down it if she needed to.

I hope you would hug me back, because I really need a hug right now. I need you to kick me in my face too, but first, hug.

Now, if an outsider reads this, they will surely tell you that I am crazy. Huh, same person what, refer to you in third person for what. I'll tell you for what.

Because I am no longer you.

All that transpired in the past year has killed your spirit. Something about sexual awakening and other mental distress that makes you lose a lot of innocence and idealism, I guess. I have this very weird out-of-body awareness now that I am no longer a kid, not that I ever consciously thought of myself as a kid, but that I am way more cautious nowadays.

I am now scared of doing absolutely anything, because I feel extremely disappointed in myself to have been rattled by all things... emotional. Academically, my confidence has taken a hit and I feel like a fraud whose year one results were a fluke. Even as I recover and am trying to move on, I feel a strong sense of inertia because I perhaps, objectively think I am not capable of that. I become very calculative of my chances of future success, significantly shortchanging myself in the whole process.

I am no longer you. This is why I want to keep us separate. Because while I so desperately need your courage, faith and attitude, your naivety was your pitfall. Thinking back, I have been feeling distressed by a lot of figures (way more than the two boys) who turned out to be way more different than my naive self had so easily trusted initially. I used to be naive but I think I can no longer afford to remain as open. Moving forward, if I were to provide so selflessly as a friend and lover, then I ought to be careful about who I let into my life and give my affections to.

When you walked out of my life, I relied heavily on my independence and thought I must shut down all my ability to feel, but that was a fatal move because I am actually, a very emotional being. There, I said it. young me, I feel a strange sense of relief washing over me to admit that because I think I spent my entire life believing it was a weakness to be emotional, and denied it to the ends of the earth. Your coping mechanism throughout two years of A levels was crying and then feeling aggravated by how you're "feeling sad over dumbass grades", remember? During then, Mrs Bok already told you that you were emotional, that you should embrace it but take heed of your triggers. You promptly forget this lesson once life "got better". You always got upset when people were not as empathetic as you expected them to be. People will tell you that there is a logical basis to the development of your emotions, that you feel deeply, and you should accept it. But you don't listen, you never took heed of these signs.

So young me, please do. Spare me the later turmoil. This is why you care about the feelings of those about you, this is why you have always been so self-aware, this is why your sense of intutition is strong, this is why you were not capable of having a no-strings attached relationship, this is why when you stop any emotional inlets, you will lose the very essence of who you are. You are because you feel. I am sorry, I spent the past year trying to tell you to feel nothing, trampling all over your feelings until they turn into dust.

When the ability to feel is so important, and so lacking in the world, that you can definitely use it to be the best you can.

I want to let you into my life again. Come hang out with me, a bit older, hopefully a little wiser, much more tired and less hopeful. Sorry for being an unattractive hang buddy but I'll buy you green milk tea.

Would you please come back?

Love,
Xinyan

Thank you for being at my 21st

I never really expected to a hold a "party", because I thought it was so self-indulgent and all, but when my mum really went to get me a room for my birthday I suddenly thought how dope it would be if people dear to me could share this day with me. So allow me to be selfish on this day, and make it all about how blessed I am with my friends and family. x

Sunset

Today I watched my first sunset at UTown. Usually, I don't pay much attention to dusk as my room window faces the opposite direction. As my friends and I marveled at this view at the 21st floor, a girl casually told us: "The sky is orange because of pollution," while holding her phone up to take a picture. "I'm a Geography student."

I looked at the dorm rooms, busy roads lit with cars, Keppel bay in the distance. The world moves on, and so should you and I.

伞内//伞外

玲珑的三折花伞
一节又一节
把热带的雨季
乍然旋开了

我不知该往何处会你
伞内，还是伞外
然后共撑一小块晴天
让淅沥的雨声
轻轻且富韵律地
敲打着古老的回忆

听雨的青涩年龄
管他是否已尾随
喧噪了一个夏季的
蝉叫，陷阱泥潭
只要撑着伞内的春
我们边拥有一切，包括
沼泽里笨拙的蛙鸣

二月底三月初
我折起伞外的雨季
你敢不敢也折起我
收在贴胸的口袋里
黄昏时，在望园楼
看一抹霞色
如何从我双颊飞起
染红湖上一轮落日

Untitled

I think we both acknowledge that we shared a very unique connection, one that will not allow us to forget each other anytime soon. 

There was attraction. I wanted to go look for you after your talk but I decided it was weird (you beat me to all that, anyway). When the world around us doesn't exist, we know we are quite fond of each other.

I haven’t felt this kind of connection with anybody in a long time. This is why what we shared is even harder to forget, and a part of me is so frustrated. How am I going to vibe with another person in the same way again?

I try to reason with myself, that what I am feeling now is nothing more than an infatuation. Though I’ve told you more than I told anybody, I don’t think the conversations we had were sufficiently deep or giving of who you are as a person. Though we get along so well, the fact that I always have to second guess how you are feeling about this whole thing is not good. Though you notice things about me, you can’t seem to remember where I stay. Though I like to think I am confident about myself, I am a little intimidated by your abilities and I doubt I can match up to you. That the truth is we have barely known each other for 3 months and sadly we cannot go any further than this in the foreseeable future. We both have space in our life to have a bit of fun and give in to our desires to flirt dangerously but honestly nothing more than that will materialise. You are crazy ambitious, and soon leaving on your inevitable journey of self-discovery. 

Yet, what is tough is the wishful thinking that eludes all rationality and logic. That no matter how I reason with myself (which I think is already done in a very mature and resolute manner), it all fell apart the last we met. 

Maybe its our banter which I will never admit that I enjoy. How you actually brought attention to parts of myself which you think I should be more accepting of. Allowing me to know a side of you which many do not begin to understand. Our connection which locked in tightly with me since the day we met, really. That you are some of the smartest and most aware people I've ever had to privilege to meet. Your touch lingers on my skin. 

When I left and was alone by myself, I felt an unexplainable sadness and almost teared up. I hate it, so many questions, so little time to answer all of it while we can. I don't think I want to prolong our friendship if it is going to die, frankly when distance separates us and our conversations die I think it will hurt. I guess, I will force myself to move on. I have to.

But I write this for the nights when my head is too active and sleep precludes me, or when my mind wanders even when I’m doing work I supposedly enjoy. Maybe one day when I can’t take it anymore, I’ll go back to the places where we once shared a moment, give in to my feelings, and sink into a memory that I wish was my reality. For a few moments anyway, it shall be. 

Birthday

On my 20th I didn't do much. I didn't feel much either, maybe because it was a Monday, and Mondays are sad days in general. Even if there are no classes, commitments, or deadlines, there is something in the monday air that sits weirdly in my chest. Do you feel?? Anyway, I ALSO had classes, deadlines and practice on the Monday that was my birthday.

I've never been a fan of birthdays - to me, it's a nice way to celebrate one's existence thus far especially with those who matter. But I don't really like how this whole birthday thing has been blown up and commercialized, much like Mothers' Day, Valentine's or Christmas, to become an event where gifts are expected and the guestlists are a parade of one's social circles. So I guess it can feel really bad especially if people who doesn't make friends easily for whatever reasons - which definitely happens - begin to feel upset on their birthday when no one (by this I really mean the "friends" they thought mattered) remembered it - due to these social norms surrounding Birthdays. I rather that I know my birthday is personal to me, not announce it save for my friends who remember, and spend it with my parents - whose lives definitely changed when I decided to pop out at 6.30am after half a day of labour... 20 years ago...

Since I had to practice on Monday, I went out with my parents on the Sunday before. My mother wanted to treat me to something nice but I'm kind of a cheapo so... we eventually settled on some "high tea" for two at Arteastiq. It was my first time having a rich tai tai's tea although I know this is already a more accessible option for us lesser mortals. It was a really nice selection of desserts and savory snacks with a drink, and the teas and coffees were already very substantial by itself, all for about $20 per person. I really enjoyed my meal there, and my mum and I couldn't stop taking pictures and pretending to be atas, high SES and all.

After which, we went shopping around before meeting my dad for a dinner at PS Cafe, which I heard lots about. The food was really amazing but really, my heart still couldn't tank the price. Thank goodness my mother and I were not big eaters, so we shared an appetizer and main. It was a really good meal too, my heart and belly are full!

On the next day when I went to school for morning LARC, I took the usual route from botans to block B. This is a route I had taken many times, and really, there is nothing special about this route except for times when wild animals trod into your path - once, I heard really loud stomping and realised two of the resident black swans were waddling towards me (it was scary ok, they were more than half my height up close), or the monitor lizards that will dash across the red brick path to the amusement of passersby. But that day, I was pleasantly surprised to see a beautiful blooming of bougainvillea over the wooden benches area and it was really such a sight to behold, a more brilliant-than-usual shade of pink contrasting the sky. It was a sight that I could have easily taken for granted if I didn't bother to look up from my phone. There is nothing extremely significant about this but it made me smile - thanks, universe!

While these events didn't happen on my actual birthday, I was heartened to be caught among celebrations by friends who liked to surprise people with cakes. On the Wednesday following my birthday, I completed a concert, and came out of backstage to my batchies who gave me so so so much cake. Including Edwin's bakes: the thought of Edwin even baking anything is ???!!

As I went back to Tembu that night, I was also in wonderful company on the way back (thanks, for sheepishly wishing me "happy birthday" days ago). When I reached the comfort of my room, I was chilling (with my red lippie and all) when my suitemates decided to burst through my door (OK, technically the door was open, but they sure were quiet about bringing a lighted candle to me) and one of my suitemates, Tammy, even surprised me on facetime. TECHNOLOGY, YOU ARE AMAZING. And the whole time, I didn't know that my schoolmates wanted to do something for me too. That Saturday, Xin Hui and I were chionging the combined part of our memo in school and she sneakily asked me what kind of cake I liked (am a red velvet cream cheese wh0re).

And then as LARC the following monday came to a close, my normal and extremely unhappening professor would look expectantly at the door, only for Nadine to come into our classroom with a homemade, tiered, self-frosted red velvet cake. Monday to next, we have come a full circle.

I honestly cannot be more grateful. Thank you, for celebrating my existence.

Penang

During the weekend before recess week started, I was lazing on the sofa, when my mum stuck her head over the sofa to look down at me: "want go Malaysia?"

"I kinda only want to go Penang."

And then we bought a pair of tickets for $70.

I guess it was just want one of the plus sides to not having mid-terms, plus I finished my half-memo assignment just the day before. The next major submission was two weeks away - so why not?

Interesting (learning) experiences already started on the first hour of our day in Penang. I watched a youtube video which recommended breakfast at a Macalister Street, near the hotel where we stayed. My mum and I were just walking, giggling, minding our own business - when my mum suddenly gasped in a horrified manner and pulled me aside. She told me she saw something "perverted" happening in the car that we just passed. In my mind I unwillingly acknowledged that I have now reached the age where my mum thinks I must have known the guy either (1) flashed himself or (2) was jerking off in the car. Really, I was reluctantly about to ask her if it was that before - thankfully - she first clarified that it were a group of guys who looked at her in the eye, waved and winked. Since this was obviously less trivial than the kind of obscenity I was imaging, I teased my mum that it must be because she was still young and pretty-

Until we noticed that their bright blue Toyota reversed uncomfortably close to us.They didn't stop, until they had no choice because another car drove down the one-way street that was wide enough for only one car.

My mum grabbed my arm and hurriedly pulled me down the road. Along the way, she kept panicking about how the guys the guys were suspicious, and they are going to drive one round to come back for us. I was kind of scared, but at the same time I thought it might not be very possible. Plus I was starting to get more annoyed at how she started to link this up to blaming me for coming to such a place for breakfast, as if I knew anything about Penang beforehand. So, I admit I was quite irritated upon finding the coffeeshop at the end of the road, and I left my mum at the table to place orders at a stall that was outside the physical shop. Until I saw that bright blue car drive right past the front of the shop just as I was about to head out of it, driving right down the road that we could have been on if we didn't run.

We ended up safe, and had quite a decent breakfast for our first taste at Penang hawker fare. But it was a a big scare that left me feeling upset at myself for not trusting my mum, or not taking enough heed or care at my safety while overseas. If I wanted to be an independent girl whose parents can trust me taking care of myself, then I cannot let my guard down in observing even the smallest and most trivial of incidents.

-

Another memory I really enjoyed was when my mum and I found all these wonderful, spontaneous food stops near where we stayed. I loved the Presgrave Hawker Centre which was along the back alleys behind our hotel: food were perhaps not prepared in the cleanest of conditions and used plates were cast on the floor (where the rats scurried past), but it was so authentic, affordable, and very tasty! Some of my favorites there were lor mee, hokkien mee (which is more similar to our prawn mee), and ice kachang. The ice kachang was life changing and I don't think I'll ever have any versions that can top it. Maybe I'm biased, and I risk getting lynched for saying this but I really dislike "tadpoles", agar agar and other weird colourful jellies that swim remains of your ice kachang, and am a bigger fan of red bean and evaporated milk instead. So penang's ice kachang was all that, minus the red/green/yellow nonsense, and topped with a scoop of PEANUT BUTTER ICE-CREAM? Food poisoning risk 100% worth it.

Or when we passed by this old auntie who was making piping hot bowls of noodles. It was a pretty unique creation that's more along the lines of homecooked fare - the newspaper clippings on her stall called it "golden noodles", and it was noodles in a simple, clear pork broth, with fishballs and meatballs, egg, and topped with some lettuce and crispy lard. The classic order is with maggi noodles but of course you can opt for some other fresh noodles too. To me, it was exactly the dish that tasted like home. There's nothing special about it like that of chicken rice, orh chien or char kway teow but it's what you will crave for when you are nursing a heartache, recovering from a flu, or feeling absolute shit in school. It's brought so much warmth and comfort to me even if it was my first time having it.

Top all these off with the white coffee we ordered every morning without fail. It was very fragrant. And sweet. Like the memories.

-

We also spent one day on a "day trip" to Air Itam, to look at Kek Lok Si, a beautiful temple complex and the biggest Buddhist temple in Malaysia. As it was a suburb of Georgetown, we took the public bus which took us around 40 minutes to reach. Penang is one of (if I am not mistaken, it is the only) town that is fully served by a functioning public bus system. We really enjoyed taking the buses everywhere: it is truly so cheap, well-connected, and the buses were clean and comfortable enough.

On the way to Kek Lok Si, my mother and I also got acquainted with an old lady who sat in the seats in front of us. We were just looking out of the window, and maybe spoke loud enough for the old lady to notice that we were not locals, and she offered to let us know that the Chinese High School outside our windows was the most established Chinese school in Penang. My mother chatted with her for the rest of the way, and we learnt that she was on her usual volunteering trip to an old folk's home (or hospice) at the foot of Kek Lok Si. We was such a warm and lovely lady, and I am heartened to have experienced a bit of Penang's kind hospitality through her.

I learnt that Kek Lok Si temple is the largest Buddhist temple in the whole of Malaysia, and even an important pilgrimage center for many Buddhists in South-east Asia. Indeed, it was a majestic sight to behold, an entire complex of many, many prayer halls, one pagoda tower, a large Buddha statue, and various gardens. We spent the entire morning understanding more about the faith and my mother took some time to get some fortunes or good blessings for my brother as well. I mean, we are not believers but I guess we could use some divine intervention in desperate times. HAHAHA.

For lunch, we had the famous Air Itam Assam Laksa, a humble assam laksa stall that is set up at the bus stations near the foot of the hill. We sat and watched the workers of the stall skillfully pull out the special laksa noodles and throw it into the boiling water, giving the strainer a few good shakes in an almost artistic manner, ladle on the thick assam fish soup, and then topping it up with some greens (which I assume should be some lettuce + herbs). Initially, my mum was actually quite repulsed by the slight fishy smell that linger in the air, perhaps once again with the fact that food stalls here are really not maintained in the cleanest of conditions. But hey, I think that's part of the experience. It tasted really good and unlike all the (now mild) assam laksas I've tried in Singapore! However, the fish pieces were quite minced and I hardly found any bigger pieces, so its shiokness was compromised on that aspect.

Since we were in the region, we went to Penang Hill as well, and enjoyed a nice paranomic view of Georgetown from its peak. It was quite a touristy place actually, and it definitely isn't famous for scenic views or grenery, just some nice cityscapes. As usual, my mum and I just spent our time chatting together.

-

If your extended family can be represented by Malaysia (with Singapore being that Uncle who once really needed you during a tight time, but you thought he was embarrassing af, and now he is rich n famous while you are old and fat), then Penang is the hippie cousin who reads tarot cards for a living. And, you can never tell if he is sober. Also he probably has a body full of tattoos, which manifests itself in Penang's many famous wall murals. Bad analogy and horrible lead-in, but I'm not paid for this man.

It provided kinda a rustic vibe to the place, which was refreshing. Georgetown gave a glimpse of what the world was frozen in time and I guess I appreciate the role it plays in maintaining a bit of soul in our cosmopolitan world today.

I'll end off this post with even more (so so so good and cheap) food. Penang, you are such a charming place. I'll visit you again and be spoiled by your food and sights!

x

Southern Islands Hopping

To my name twin yx, I am going to miss you so, so, so much. Go forth and slay where you belong, I can't wait to see what the next few years has in store for you.

2017

10 PM on the last day before 2018 and I wish I can make my life sound cooler by saying that I'm at Bang Bang on my third cup of long island iced tea and laughing way too much at everything, and when it strikes 12 I will stand on a chair and scream happy new year bitches!!!! but really I am just at home because I find it meaningless to view fireworks through people's iPhones and then queue forever to get on the MRT back at 2am. Or, that I actually thought I wanted to study but clearly I wrote this post instead, and really, whats with rum, vodka, bacardi, soju and gin? They all taste like whiteboard marker?

So back at it, a series of funny coincidences led me to have telegram chat with Zhuo Hui (who happens to be one of the closer friends I've found in law school and Tembusu) about AuditionSEA. This made me smile because audi is really one of the stories I will use to think about how much has changed over the years.  I used to be so obsessed with that game. Pretty sure there were times when I thought about it during all the afternoon supplementary classes just to rush home to log onto it after school. In fact, I was so gung ho that I actually met up with my audi fam (kinda a clan system) in real life - yes, one of them was actually working at the dessert counter at Hougang macs, and a mix of us from secondary school to poly just sat at macs eating ice cream - and I even got married and all. Virtually, of course. Zhuo and I dug out old screenshots of our in-game characters and talked about a lot of the game functions. I mused that it was such an apt conversation to have leading into 2018, my life has changed so much in such profound ways since those days, haha.

I thought I'd take a break from mugging for "finals" and take stock of what has happened in the past year.

I tried yoga (kinda, like a hybrid with aerobics) and decided it was not for me. In an attempt to be healthy, my mum and I signed up for some aerobics class offered by our community club. It made me understand that work-life balance is a concept that sounded better in theory than in actuality. It was a night class that was designed for people to head to after work, but really, it is nearly impossible to make it on time unless you really made sure you knocked off on time from work, which - culturally speaking, doesn't really cut it across most industries in Singapore. I experienced it first hand as I realised it is difficult to knock off on time for a consistent day per week. No wonder these programmes are not gaining traction, and I (for the times that I did turn up of course - my mum didn't even bother after a while) often found myself caught in the middle of aunty dynamics at the class. Well, it might not be for me but I did sweat a bunch and became slightly more flexible, I guess. Overall it is a commendable ground-up effort from the community club to hold interesting classes at very lucrative prices...

Life

Death.

Death is confusing, death is simple. Death is selfless, death is selfish. Death can be longed for, death can be unexpected. Death is never just about the dead.

Loss and sadness are feelings innate in all of us. Today I write this post in tribute of my friend's family who left us too soon.

When I first heard the news, I gasped and stared at my phone for a long time. It was in the middle of a carolling day. My smiles for the rest of the day did not feel right. The words I sang were empty.

My mother is my best friend. I told her immediately. That night, we sat at the dining table and talked. I told my mother honestly that if she, my father and my brother left me, I will wish that I died during the incident too. It is not because I would not be brave enough to face everything alone. I think I will be void of purpose in life since family is my purpose.

My mother looked at me earnestly and said, "It will always be the wish of the family who left for their child to be strong."

We had an honest conversation. She candidly said that children tend to be able to carry on with their lives even though their parents have died, while parents who lose their children often lose their will to live. Parents* have stronger emotional ties to their children than their children have to them.

After thinking through, I told her I might be able to carry on without them. I like to think I have a good relationship with each of my parents, though not perfect, we do have good conversations, hang out, laugh, spend an ok amount of time together, and I can say for sure that I am damn proud of them and their story. Regret is a big thing which I think will gnaw at your heart if any of your loved one(s) leave. So I said I think I showed my parents I loved them in this lifetime. I will only regret for my brother. Our relationship is still unstable, he drives me to my edge all the time, and yet I remain guilty for all the times in the past when all he wanted was me to notice/love/hug him back but I would be so annoyed. Now he is just a bratty teenager who hates going out with us.

Dear God, if I have one prayer this Christmas is that you will save my relationship with my brother before it is too late. I love him so much. I hope you will let him know that. I hope you will let me see his love for me too.

God, let my friends who have strained relationships with their family find peace and harmony. Give them guidance to treat their family better. Let them at least have no regrets when they find meaning in the words "life is fleeting".

And God, give her strength to find your wisdom in this trying time. Let her know that I will love her always.

Adventures

It has been a good seven months since I made my way onto this blog space. I told myself to update about my own milestones here but I guess it must be my innate lack of self-discipline, or immense laziness, or tendency to get distracted by everything I can access on my devices (thanks Facebook, YouTube, myasiantv, freemovies, spotify, reddit, Instagram), or my lack of self-discipline, wait did I mention how I might not have discipline?

When I was 15, I ever realised that the calendar year will be swiftly coming to an end when Julyhits. It's true, more than half the year has passed. Soon it will be the National Day of Patriotism, exams, more exams, cold weather, that annual intense rainstorm day in November, and Christmas trees all over Orchard Road. A new year begins.

Suddenly I feel like I don't have control over much time at all.

Perhaps, now that I have finally blown off the dust that is on my Blogger dashboard, I will try my best to make a mega update of sorts, with my thoughts on post A levels, working, uni applications, travelling, and what-not. Now I'm hit by pangs of sadness again, every time I realise I have a checklist of things I want to blog about, I regret not writing about them when events are still fresh in my head! Sigh. Sometimes I think I have a avenues for people I'm close to like my instagram and blog but I somehow never get down to posting my bigger milestones on them.

So shall I begin picking up the scraps of my life by writing about a latest adventure? :)

Recently I went on a impromptu cycling trip to Pulau Ubin with Gwyneth! I have always wanted to make a return trip to Ubin ever since OBS days there. In other words, I waited 4 years for this?

In these few months, I am really glad to get to know Gwyneth (or Gwen) better as a person. It is a great privilege to get to know schoolmates after school, because we hardly come across schoolmates unless one makes an effort to do so (which, technically, also meant that the relationship was more than an acquaintanceship to start with) Thank you Gwen, for not ending up as a face I merely passed by in school. There is nobody else I rather have winged this trip with.

Ubin is a beautiful place. During OBS, we start and end our trip at their designated ports, and there is an allocated space on the island for the campus. This time, we experienced it from a public point of view - boarding at the Changi Ferry Terminal and visiting the main village on the island. Making my way to the ferry point was easy as we have been to the vincinity many times for choir chalet. Brings back really fond memories of those days when we played cards or cycled into the night and played lots of station games and had BBQs which may or may not have failed sometimes. Now that most of our social activities have evolved to become merrymaking around a beer, or clubbing with booze, I realised that our concept of fun is indeed more simple in the past, where our innocence enables us to find ways to occupy our time anyway. Adulthood complicates things. So don't rush into growing up, don't ever feel that things are cooler on the other side. Take your time to come here because once you're here you won't be able to want out.

The main village is a tranquil place, as it is not that bustling during a weekday. I really like the kampung vibes that was present in the place. Shopkeepers are sitting around, bicycle vendors trying hard to earn the business of the only two girls who look like they came on a cycling mission. After getting our bikes, we were ready to go!

Ubin was actually not as big as any of us remembered/imagined. Honestly, you reach places after barely 10 minutes of cycling. I told Gwen that the place I really set out for was this quarry that my OBS watch went during our land expedition. I remember that we were all sorts of shag from carrying those heavy ass bags, that when we saw some groups had the chance to jump into the crisp clear waters of the quarry, we were so envious. Nonetheless, we had the chance to trek up the hill and reach the highest point of ubin where we were greeted with great views (if you scrolled to my long-ago post about OBS, I wrote about what we did at the peak.... Hahaha... my God!)

Until I realised there are like a hundred over quarries on Ubin itself. OK, it's an exaggeration, but I really no idea which elusive quarry it is that remained on its pedestal in my memories??? THAT WAS UPSETTING.

We first cycled to the west part of the island. We eventually reached some Mountain Biking Trail space, which bore some really pretentious marking points like "Diamond Trail", "Double Black Platinum sounds-difficult Trail" or whatever, and we thought ok, why not give it a shot.

Then we realised that it is literally just one barren path in the middle of a grass patch (which I am really inclined to describe it as a vast field), and the path was literally the width of a bicycle wheel. Clearly, as we struggled to even ride in a straight line on a slight incline, this path was not meant for biking noobs like us.

To add fuel to the fire, we were attacked by ants the moment we got off our bikes to push it instead. Somehow despite the fact that people wore shoes, these pesky things can find their way in and be sandwiched between the socks and the shoes or they go straight for the kill at the ankles.

We had lots of fun at this area of Ubin - we walked around this bike stunting park and visited the German Girl Shrine. We also walked past many OBS groups and they look so tired and sad :( I hoped they will have a long sleep come the last day of their camp and carry away the fonder memories like we did. As we left the quarry, there was a downward slope and a left turn at the end of the slope. And let's just say I fucked up my biking real bad. My bike sped down that slope and I mean I tried to turn and maybe I was kinda a pussy at the same time and also already realised I am going to lose control and die and somewhat accepted my imminent death.........? as I crashed into the bushes in front of me and got flung into the muddy swamps.

Surprisingly, I was really calm during the whole speeding and crashing thing, partly because I reached a state of nirvana, but also because that was way too similar a moment previously where I got flung from my bike but fell on concrete floor instead (and then attended law camp with a very colourful left eye, guess that is another story for another time.) I recalled all those times when my mother would nag that my motor skills suck balls as she applied copious amounts of Zam Bak onto my aforementioned left eye. So I am pretty sure that circa noon time on a cloudy wednesday, my mother felt a drop in her heart which could very well be the disappointment of a very uncoordinated daughter right there. Gwyneth's first reaction was to laugh as she shouted "OMG XY??" and rushed to get me out of the mud. Ok, I admit that I felt ashamed to have crashed into a bush. But on the bright side, falling into mud meant that I was hardly injured, just utterly messy. Thank God I had water and wet tissues to clean myself... and the mud makes your skin feel smoother, can confirm.

On our way back we passed by Puaka Hill and decided to give it a climb upwards. And if you happen to look for a certain memory of a summit where you get to view SG, Malaysia and a Ubin quarry from the same viewpoint, then yes, this is the very hill which you may have climbed years ago as a jaded camper. I was a happy girl :) we stayed at the top for a while and just admired the blue of the quarry and crawled over the fence (mostly we just chickened out and climbed back really quickly).

We next proceeded along to Chek Jawa wetlands which is on the east side of the island. On our way there we stopped at the orchard and caught a wild boar lurking in the distance, which was really cute. While we were there, we mused how barely anytime ago, the entire Singapore was just the forested landscape we saw before us. It was a sharp contrast from the planned roads, colourful HDBs and urban environments we see today. I had a wave of newfound appreciation for our remarkable standards of development.

The next leg of our route was though a canopy and Gwen cycled ahead of me (I wonder why lol) when out of a sudden a small cutie boar ran across the path in front of her. We were far from hitting it, but it was still a surprise that made us both slow down. As we did, I noticed that there was a huge boar that was lurking beside a tree about ten meters ahead of us. Believe me, it was HUGE. Like it-can-eat-both-of-us-alive kind of huge.

And then it turned its head, slowly, to look at us.

You know how if you meet a near-death experience once, it puts things into perspective on whether you can expect yourself to live through another situation? Well whatever, because what the hell?? A boar?? We didn't dare to move at all because the fear is real. And I told Gwen that in the grand scheme of things, giving Chek Jawa a miss is worth it if it means we make it out of Ubin alive. She said we should just cycle quickly across, I replied that it might just trigger the boar to charge after us and then we die for sure lmao. Tension hung thick in the air as we stared the large boar who only stood rooted, while still looking at us. Perhaps, I somewhat believed in the goodwill of the boar and thought it should likely be harmless, as I started to wheel the bike towards it. We eventually pushed our bike slowly past the boar, as it began to walk away. It... didn't even give us a second glance. I'm so sorry for the false impression, ubin wild boar :"( I am obviously not a child of nature.

Chek Jawa was so amazing. We sat down on these rocks by the shore and looked at the tekong in the distance, and admired the views on the broadwalk. We peered at the fishes which climbed up the mangrove roots, and tried to spot crabs poking in and out of its small tunnels. Even though we didn't catch a low tide, we didn't meet anyone else at all during the weekday evening. Having the place to ourselves was a serene experience. My favourite was climbing up the wooden tower structure to oversee the entire shoreline, and catch an occasional plane or two landing in the distance.

We made our way back and we were so friggin tired we just said screw it and just disembarked and pushed our bicycles up the slopes. Since we haven't had lunch, we had an early dinner at Changi V and I also caved into temptation and bought an Oreo Shake which reminded me so much! of! primary! school! bubbletea! shop!! At night, Gwen followed me one round around Daiso as I picked out some things I needed for my impending move into my dorm as she took note of what she wanted to buy. It was a fulfilling day and my heart is full. Ubin, I hope you remain a place untouched by modernity. There is beauty and there is purpose to preserve such a place alongside the city that is our country.

回家

It's been a long time but happier days are here again since the end of the fucking academic apocalypse A levels. When As ended, I made a comprehensive mental checklist which included "1. Sleep for 14 hours straight" and... that's about it, it was very comprehensive, okay. Except that my spirits got dragged through mud because I ended up failing the only thing on my list - First, I used my phone without giving a care till like 2am in the morning, only to wake up at 8.30am the next day. Au Naturel. I am not too sure if I feel pride or sadness that I managed to condition my body to do such a thing.

Somehow in the four days following the end of As, I managed to muster the energy needed to crawl out of my humble abode and make a new pair of spectacles for myself. I met Shanice at the spectacle shop because I value her fashion advice, and not because she happens to live nearby. We (together with a very friendly sales assistant who we later found out was a super nightlife person) actually spent more than an hour completing mission xy-needs-new-specs. So this is the story of how I became the owner of a pair of mainstream, hippy, wide-framed, tortoise-shell spectacles.

But I knew I had to get a pair of new specs anyway, because I wanted to look more presentable in my trip to China for a couple of weeks. It has been four years since I went back to visit my relatives, and I missed two weddings and one family road trip in the process, thanks but no thanks to the need to remain near school during most of the holidays.

Going to China will always have a special place in my heart. As a first generation Singaporean, I have spent my entire life and developed my own identity based on this little red dot. Despite the special circumstances where I speak (rapid) Chinese at home, and never ever add any Dodo fishcakes, cheese tofu or chicken cheese balls in my homemade steamboats (God forbid, we add entire bunches of parsley into our boiling soup;) I know that the equally interesting situations where I didnt get a distinction in my Higher Chinese Os or having never actually read/ memorised any legit Chinese novels are a testament to how I have grown up in a culture different from my parents. Still, I deeply treasure the ties I have with my relatives back home and I know that they will always dote on me as their granddaughter or niece.

There's something about China that whether I like to admit it or not, had grown onto me. I'm not very sure if it is the zinc roofing, buildings that could use a fresh coat of paint, or the 11-digit phone numbers that somehow look a little scary when it is printed out in big and bold. I remember when I was walking through the a estate in Choa Chu Kang of my cousin's newly bought home, when I casually remarked, "this place smells like China." Now, you may think that I caught a whiff of the Sembcorp truck, but I realised afterward it was because there were people smoking in the void deck. Somehow, the lingering smell of cigarette smoke in the air has been subconsciously wired to the thought of China in my head.

Just like how mantou has joined my family, my relatives have also taken in a number of furry kids into their home. They are so attached to their dogs that my aunt specially stays behind during CNY while the rest of the family return to our hometown just to accompany and feed them. Perhaps, taking care of animals seem to be a natural progression from the void of children who are all grown-up, married and all.

Having roots in an inland province mean that it is always customary for us to cover up to 1,000km by train. I remember I first went on this journey when I was six, the trains were powered by steam and it took a day and night to reach our destination. My brother was only two then, and how our parents contained two kids in a cramped train space, I will never know. Now, China has its own high-speed rail and the same journey is now shortened to just three hours, though the steam train is far from being phased out as it is still the most affordable form of commode for the majority of the working class, who most require travelling to the more developed provinces for economic opportunities.

In hunan, the temperature was much cooler and it almost became too much for my tropical skin to handle. There are certain things that are extremely comforting, and I guess they stem from an appreciation of warmth during the harshness of the cold. Back at home, my family has long stopped boiling water in a kettle, and has opted for a water dispenser which my parents argued is more cost-effective in the long term considering the cost of gas for the amount of water yielded per kettle. While this means convenience, I almost forgot how much better a cup of tea can taste when it is made from piping hot water with visible wisps of steam. And of course, albeit laden with lard, nothing beats the deliciousness of home-cooked food from my grandparents.

I went on this trip as a (growing, angsty?) teenager and I definitely carried with me the philosophies I have developed in the recent years. This is really the first time I visited my relatives as someone who is much more aware and with an understanding of people or the issues of the world. Where I used to view my family through rose-tinted glasses, I realised there is more to what meets the eye. There are very real family conflicts going on, which I was unaware of as I lived 4 hours away by plane (and also because "kids" ought not to "meddle in adult affairs",) there is history that's hard to swallow, and for the first time in my life I came face-to-face with the notion that my grandfather is going to die. Death is an inevitable end to every life. But it hit me harder than it should have when I thought of my own grandfather. I am selfish, I am human. There is a certain elusiveness to the feeling of having your mind and heart opened at the same time. For that, I know I love my family, and I will remember my relatives always - even if I do not see them every day.

I spent two weeks in China - where I visited relatives in the first week, and went to play in the second. My parents have departed for SG and left my brother and I to travel free-and-easy with my cousins. It is with great spontaneity that they decided to bring us to Guilin. The moment my cousin discussed that with me, I was shrieking because I shit you not. Guilin was an extensive example for karst landforms and given that I am a geography nerd, I can already hear the rolling limestone hills of Guilin calling out my name. I don't memorise thousands of words in a essay about your formation only to miss a chance to visit you, babe.

These pictures were taken on a commercialised tourist trap hill (象鼻山) in Guilin, where the stone steps were so steep I thought I might really loose a footing and die, also with the beautiful golden leaves in the last shreds of fall.

On the 3 hour boat ride to Yangshuo, where I saw conical hills in the vast horizon. They are exactly what I envisioned them to be. The geog nerd in me sighed in satisfaction and plunged off the boat into the Lijiang river. I know it did. Mother nature is amazing.

Ultimately, this post is very summarised piece on what went on in China, and it does not do justice to the enormity of the emotions I felt and lessons I gleaned. Some bits are precious and I will have to keep it within me. I know, that in choosing to visit China, a part of me has changed forever. And I can't wait to uncover the gems of this great place, of my roots and my multi-culture upbringing, in the remaining years of my life.

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