Closure

I can't help but notice that over the past few days, I managed to read about many students who have joined universities of their dreams (and these being highly reputable universities or competitive courses) out of sheer determination and of course, pure talent and intellect. Ever since late year 4, we have been bombarded with information about higher education. It's time to think about what you want to pursue in the future, they said. What they failed to mention was that even 2.5 years in advance, somehow, the time for us to think about our future is still not a lot at all.

Am I supposed to know what I want to be in the future at the tender age of 17? (Yes.)

I see these overachieving students - in the form of article reports on their achievements made by their school, or stumbling across their facebook, ask.fm and instagram. I feel emotions like never before.

I was in awe. When you hear brand names like Harvard, Yale, Oxbridge, YLL School of Medicine, University of London, NUS Law, etc, you can't help but feel that you have to be an extremely brilliant student to get in. Don't be so pessimistic! But it is true, isn't it? Brilliant grades are everywhere. And even with brilliant grades, you need (a) all-rounded character that is sure to set you apart from your peers to add on to the vibrancy of the campus or (b) incomparable intellectual curiosity with great academic potential, all while being able to study photogenically on grass.

Then I felt my self-worth shred into a million pieces. Well, to even consider those institutions, you still need the perfect grades first though. No GPA no talk. I scanned through many scholarship websites and though, holy shit the next time this portal opens it is going to be for students from my batch. Oh, they also all happen to ask for excellent A level results. And for a plain jane like me who always got by with very average grades, clearly not academically gifted, I don't think I should waste my time dreaming about these places. 

Interestingly,  I felt motivated too. Because some things I stumbled upon are very personal, social spaces. As I read through their social account I can't help but become a little hopeful because the people who typed all these comments are real. They are real Singaporeans who were once in schools like mine and led lives like mine; they  juggled their CCAs and commitments, while working hard towards their examinations. They applied without any guarantees and one day their application will come back successful, which changed their life forever.  Obviously, they all had great undeniable talent. So while I initially had no hope of getting into a reputable overseas school, after reading about them, I still have no hope, but I am a little bit less skeptical.

I hope to get a chance to get into an overseas university one day because I will be greatly humbled to be able to learn from professors highly knowledgeable in the field I am passionate about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ruling out staying local (if at all), but can you imagine? A place where professionals in your field of study exist coupled with the best research facilities in the world (they wrote my very textbooks and exams, damn it), and the demand of academic vigor, will give us an opportunity to stretch ourselves and our intellect. The chance to  challenge ourselves to learn beyond what we perceive we can do, making us discover new things about our subject, ourselves and our society which we have never known before. If you are good at something, why do you not want to learn from the best resources and even the origin, in some cases? All these, coupled with experiencing a new culture, making new friends, and a chance to prove yourself at independent living and learning. 

Of course, local or not, the context for both is still good grades. 

Sometimes I wonder why I take the subjects I take. Honestly, I am not good at any of them other than geography... and GP maybe... and I am very well aware that in my cohort of 39, I am competing against at least 3 people who are also striving to be the best at it. 

And maybe I shouldn't have taken the A level route, I told myself. I'm not sure if it is a coincidence or what but most of the aforementioned accounts came from students from ACSI, arguably the best IB school in Singapore. They all seem to have a way with words, very vocal and charismatic (even in writing) and seem to really enjoy their school life (exams and all). Ever since I went there for IMUNC last year and discovered that there are girls in ACSI (thereby discovering their IB programme), I can't help but read up a lot on it. I found out how you can choose a broader range of subjects, and everyone gets the chance to do an independent research and think critically with Theory of Knowledge. (No need to strive to get an H3 in order prove your aptitude and interest.) Above all, they all seem to have a very supportive school culture which motivates everyone to study hard, placing God at the center of everything they do in school, and eventually score school averages as much as 41/45. Maybe it is very shallow of me to think of it this way, but between a good IB result and a good A level result, I might be more suited towards the IB way of learning. 

Should have went ahead with my gut feel.... of transferring. I mean, I did contemplate it, but I did not eventually. Transitioned into Senior High, like everyone else. Struggled, like most people.

So I went onto their website, at the end of 2015, just to see how one transfers from IP to IB. I know many people do that and I was just curious. Then I stumbled into the application form with this unmistakable disclaimer, in red: Did you get into your current school via the DSA-sec exercise? If your answer is yes, we are afraid that we cannot accept your application.

And that gave me some light in this gloomy month, I guess. Because my mind was distracted with so many what-ifs, I probably did not even focus on what's more important. I now know there is no point to think about IB - which I kinda did for the whole year - because it would have been impossible for me to transfer out of this school. It dawned on me that my path was set the moment I received the acceptance letter from this school 5 years ago.

It only means I should work doubly hard because my future, wherever I go, will go from here. This point. This point is a fact that will never change. So I am going to work with this and stop being an almost whiny complainer of circumstances. Because successful people achieve things despite their circumstances.