Dealing with Diappointments

"There was some evident musicality here, but not enough technical range and control for completely convincing performance at this level."

"You have potential, but we are looking for people with who have already developed their musical ability to a higher degree."

"While we understand your passion, we feel that you could use the time to focus on other subjects."

I should have known it was going to be rocky year the moment I started the school year with losing my temper. Problem being, I never ever lost my temper. Until that day.

I don't really know what to feel  now to be honest. *lets out a laugh because I genuinely do not know what to say.

I feel disappointed.

Mainly because I worked pretty damn hard at every single thing up there. I know I wasn't the best at all of it. But all those higher education talks about chasing what you want, what you believe in and what you are good at - led me to most of the above. It kind of, pardon my french, sucks to not be deemed good enough. Because it sure is comforting to know that you are now not good at your best things, so you kind of don't even amount to anything at all. There is a stabbing at my heart mostly because for all of it, I know I was so close. I didn't make any uncalculated or unrealistic decisions. So close, to getting a small victory for myself. If only, if only, if only. This disappointment is regret. It is knowing the possibility of how things could have been that hurts the most.

For most part though, I feel nothing.

I actually, really, entirely felt nothing. Sure, I was anxious. And when the emails came I felt cells in my body stop moving. When I read the contents I feel a frown tug at the edge of my mouth and a silent sigh from within me. But I really didn't feel anything. The last one triggered this post, and that's all.

Am I supposed to feel alarmed that I don't? Should I be upset at my "numbness"? Because to feel nothing means that I have no determination to improve or no drive to work hard to be actually good at one damn thing, right?

Or should I seek comfort in that fact that each rejection is a blessing in disguise for me to stagger my work and give more quality stuff for the things I already have on my plate. To stop being so ambitious because clearly I am not a brilliant student, but an average Joe. To move on, since all I am doing is trapping myself in a bubble of doubt and despair.

Because rejection sends us on a pathway to destroy our self-esteem. It has definitely dug out my inadequacies and stuffed all my flaws in my face. I am sorry, for not being good enough. So, I will only work harder. As I always have.

As I always have. As I always have.

I know I will need to evaluate myself and be even more hardworking. It's just that it is a little difficult to do that when all your dreams (or, short-term goals) have been mashed into a pulp. It makes me wonder what can I even do without messing up in the future.