Almost losing my heart

I told myself that I probably should stop coming here, 'cuz you know, the impending A levels and all. No biggie.

But I felt a pressing need to come up here just release some of the built up "stress" from the past 3 weeks of January.

In short, I went for my SATs for the second time yesterday, and this time obviously I prepared much more than I did for the last. Except that I got horribly lost in a land I was not familiar with moments right before the test. Damn, this isn't some philosophical lost about feeling like you  don't belong and struggling with a sense of purpose among a sea of unfamiliar faces or whatever, in fact I was put quite simply, literally, just lost.

The girl who thought she had an affinity with maps lost her way in the north-eastern part of little Singapore.

I have never been to that area before, relied a lot on apps to navigate around busses and stuff but when I alighted I just had no idea where I was. Google maps told me I was quite far from the supposed destination. I definitely needed to walk more than 192m, just that I only had 10 minutes before I believe I can seriously be barred from taking this exam my parents paid lots for. To say I felt panic was an understatement. I ran across roads, each time sighting available taxis only on the side of the road I'm not on. Every passer-by had no idea where the place was. Called a taxi, phone reception decided to give up. Out of desperation, I called my Mum and seriously, I don't ever call my mum for things out of distress because I could always solve it. But I've already wasted 20 minutes still lost in the middle of Yio Chu Kang Link, so I thought why not. Even though she was worried (like, hello, your daughter is panicking for the first time how can she not be) she still consoled me and told me it's alright, I won't miss the test, and in the middle of the call received another call from a taxi uncle who managed to arrange a pick-up with me. We zoomed to the school, and I manage to run with this school personnel to my room to discover that everyone only just started to write their names (not even at the circle shade-in and whatnots).

In short, I almost thought I was going to miss my test which I believe should be rather important, but I just made it and managed to not miss a single component of the 3 hours 45 minutes test. Oh, but what an experience. If I am going to be late for my A levels, come at me bro.

With this, I conclude one of my commitments for this year, and I hope it frees up my days just that little bit more.

School (for real)

5 January 2016

School started yesterday.

Have you ever wondered if you can get completely destroyed by school in one single day? Let me tell you how. Start last year of JC with your secondary school counterparts (i.e. way too early), with a chemistry test (read: impending doom) and top it off with Mass PE (this very intensive PE system in year 6 where they actually do legit exercises and long runs to train troops of child soldiers) as a garnish. It was a weird. But lethal. Combination.

But now that I survived that first day of school, I've come to realise that it was not that bad after all.

We started the day with an inauguration ceremony. It was nice to see a batch of students looking grown up in new uniforms. In fact, it was so flattering on them, we have inevitably come to the conclusion that some of them look more like 18-year-olds than we do... Why do we look like people who will not have problems getting student meals even after we celebrate our 24th birthday? (That's too lenient. How about - people who will get judged immensely and get our ID stared at when we buy hard liquor from Cheers?)

I remember being like them. Sitting among some familiar faces, and some faces that I can't believe I have never spoken to despite being on the same grounds for 4 years. A little bit excited, a little bit nervous, but not feeling so much different.  We laughed when common issues were tackled during the speech - opportunities, stress, falling asleep during lectures, failing your subjects, house spirit. Because a year later, we somewhat know what life from now on will really taste like. It will taste unpleasant during tough times. But fruits that we reap from this journey will somehow taste rather sweet.

Also, that test was no different. Yes, I read a question and went okay so where's the exit again but other questions were fine and there was time to go back, finish it, with even some time to spare. And when it's done you don't feel so much other than "yeah I did my best I guess." So I realised, that's how much of this year is going to be like. It going to be test after test, each one making you study progressively towards the big thing, so that when it comes it is hardly a surprise. Things become a routine, and you no longer sense fear.

No mention about being tired, though.

School has also been a constant reminder that this is our final year in school and if we want to end the year with our best attempt at the A levels, we have to start now. Every single teacher has said that so far. While it might have motivated me that little bit, I feel that I still, as always, am at a complete loss as to how I should feel.

To: December

Dear December,

I went out with a friend today. She has always been a friend who brought odd moments of comfort, even though our paths diverged about 5 years ago.

December, it is funny how some people never change. I mean, we are all very volatile teenagers, going through changes in our mind and body beyond our means, whether we want it or not. Every day we are a self-help book on How-to-Adult: taxes, responsibilities, crushes, eyeliner, heels, phone calls, punctuality, beefing up resumes. Even though the damn hormones had its way of changing our physical selves (thanks, I didn't need that fancy dermatology going on my face), some things really stay the same.

So that was what she was. When she speaks, her mouth pulls downwards in a way someone who doesn't know her will probably take offense at. I munched on Thai food as tasty as all her qualms and quibbles about life. Even as we decided to walk the whole stretch from Kovan to Hougang, there she was, still complaining, talking a little too loudly, but always very sensible. That's her.

But December, I can't help but feel that as you aged, you forgot to bring me along. Because even if both of us as beings never changed, we can never the same as before. Surely you knew that someone that gregarious will always find more interesting company. It's not an accusation that she no longer values me, it's just how asking her for a catch up or even talking to her physically always seem to end up in physical voice message or tagged with a follow up on mail. Yet when she needed me like those fortnights ago, time and distance were never barriers to me.

I can't help but feel left out because I suppose I still treasure her as some of my greatest friends but she doesn't really seem to care that I sometimes need her too.

And I let it go because I understand she is not obliged to.

With love,
Me

Closure

I can't help but notice that over the past few days, I managed to read about many students who have joined universities of their dreams (and these being highly reputable universities or competitive courses) out of sheer determination and of course, pure talent and intellect. Ever since late year 4, we have been bombarded with information about higher education. It's time to think about what you want to pursue in the future, they said. What they failed to mention was that even 2.5 years in advance, somehow, the time for us to think about our future is still not a lot at all.

Am I supposed to know what I want to be in the future at the tender age of 17? (Yes.)

I see these overachieving students - in the form of article reports on their achievements made by their school, or stumbling across their facebook, ask.fm and instagram. I feel emotions like never before.

I was in awe. When you hear brand names like Harvard, Yale, Oxbridge, YLL School of Medicine, University of London, NUS Law, etc, you can't help but feel that you have to be an extremely brilliant student to get in. Don't be so pessimistic! But it is true, isn't it? Brilliant grades are everywhere. And even with brilliant grades, you need (a) all-rounded character that is sure to set you apart from your peers to add on to the vibrancy of the campus or (b) incomparable intellectual curiosity with great academic potential, all while being able to study photogenically on grass.

Then I felt my self-worth shred into a million pieces. Well, to even consider those institutions, you still need the perfect grades first though. No GPA no talk. I scanned through many scholarship websites and though, holy shit the next time this portal opens it is going to be for students from my batch. Oh, they also all happen to ask for excellent A level results. And for a plain jane like me who always got by with very average grades, clearly not academically gifted, I don't think I should waste my time dreaming about these places. 

Interestingly,  I felt motivated too. Because some things I stumbled upon are very personal, social spaces. As I read through their social account I can't help but become a little hopeful because the people who typed all these comments are real. They are real Singaporeans who were once in schools like mine and led lives like mine; they  juggled their CCAs and commitments, while working hard towards their examinations. They applied without any guarantees and one day their application will come back successful, which changed their life forever.  Obviously, they all had great undeniable talent. So while I initially had no hope of getting into a reputable overseas school, after reading about them, I still have no hope, but I am a little bit less skeptical.

I hope to get a chance to get into an overseas university one day because I will be greatly humbled to be able to learn from professors highly knowledgeable in the field I am passionate about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ruling out staying local (if at all), but can you imagine? A place where professionals in your field of study exist coupled with the best research facilities in the world (they wrote my very textbooks and exams, damn it), and the demand of academic vigor, will give us an opportunity to stretch ourselves and our intellect. The chance to  challenge ourselves to learn beyond what we perceive we can do, making us discover new things about our subject, ourselves and our society which we have never known before. If you are good at something, why do you not want to learn from the best resources and even the origin, in some cases? All these, coupled with experiencing a new culture, making new friends, and a chance to prove yourself at independent living and learning. 

Of course, local or not, the context for both is still good grades. 

Sometimes I wonder why I take the subjects I take. Honestly, I am not good at any of them other than geography... and GP maybe... and I am very well aware that in my cohort of 39, I am competing against at least 3 people who are also striving to be the best at it. 

And maybe I shouldn't have taken the A level route, I told myself. I'm not sure if it is a coincidence or what but most of the aforementioned accounts came from students from ACSI, arguably the best IB school in Singapore. They all seem to have a way with words, very vocal and charismatic (even in writing) and seem to really enjoy their school life (exams and all). Ever since I went there for IMUNC last year and discovered that there are girls in ACSI (thereby discovering their IB programme), I can't help but read up a lot on it. I found out how you can choose a broader range of subjects, and everyone gets the chance to do an independent research and think critically with Theory of Knowledge. (No need to strive to get an H3 in order prove your aptitude and interest.) Above all, they all seem to have a very supportive school culture which motivates everyone to study hard, placing God at the center of everything they do in school, and eventually score school averages as much as 41/45. Maybe it is very shallow of me to think of it this way, but between a good IB result and a good A level result, I might be more suited towards the IB way of learning. 

Should have went ahead with my gut feel.... of transferring. I mean, I did contemplate it, but I did not eventually. Transitioned into Senior High, like everyone else. Struggled, like most people.

So I went onto their website, at the end of 2015, just to see how one transfers from IP to IB. I know many people do that and I was just curious. Then I stumbled into the application form with this unmistakable disclaimer, in red: Did you get into your current school via the DSA-sec exercise? If your answer is yes, we are afraid that we cannot accept your application.

And that gave me some light in this gloomy month, I guess. Because my mind was distracted with so many what-ifs, I probably did not even focus on what's more important. I now know there is no point to think about IB - which I kinda did for the whole year - because it would have been impossible for me to transfer out of this school. It dawned on me that my path was set the moment I received the acceptance letter from this school 5 years ago.

It only means I should work doubly hard because my future, wherever I go, will go from here. This point. This point is a fact that will never change. So I am going to work with this and stop being an almost whiny complainer of circumstances. Because successful people achieve things despite their circumstances.

cantabile

15/12/2015 - 10 days to Christmas.

About 13 days ago, I had a concert in school. Well, some may say I seem to always have concerts (which is something that I am incredibly thankful for and proud of as part of dhschoir). But this concert is special. Though it was a combined showcase with another school, it may very well be the last choir-only concert in my school life.

This concert experience was very different, I guess, because I was directly involved in running it. I used to do more subsidiary roles, be it just the JH choir, or some sub-comm, but it was my first time doing something on a more macro side and suddenly... four different choirs! But this experience was very fruitful and I really enjoyed this exchange with the choristers from River Valley. I think I'm already quite open in the past in that I made friends and kept in contact with friends from the same mass game group when most tend to not, but this exchange was way out of my expectations in that I got to mingle with the WHOLE year five batch. Maybe magic does happen when you realise it is your last year of exchange! We went out after every single full-day Monday practice and never failed to be the loudest group on the bus or restaurant. For these friendships, I am so immensely thankful.

And maybe also because it is my first concert without makeup. We had to work with little time on the day itself, although everything went fine, I still went to check on everything that was happening on the PAC during the time when everyone is scheduled to eat + change + get prepared. Similar to point 1 I guess? In that I always prepared during that time slot, eating as fast as I can so that I can rush up and get ready, asking people to hurry up or clear up the canteen after dinner. I was so worried when I realised that so much also goes on behind the scenes. By the time all those were settled, it was already the time when final warm-ups started! *shocks that send thrills down the spine a thousand times*

Then again, my make-up skills are so subpar that one probably cannot realise I had some on (hence I was fine with having my first zero-makeup-concert). What shocked me was that there were juniors who were shocked when I told them I didn't put any makeup! Hm... what is that supposed to mean, really?

2016

Guess it's time to really re-evaluate what you want out of this holiday, into 2016, and beyond 2016.

Frankly,  there are many areas for you to improve on. Though doors have closed, it only means you have more time to constantly reflect and improve on who you are as a person. So, you are going to do exactly that. It is going to be difficult, and I know it would be scary, but do not fear the expectations you have set for yourself.

Dear God, I pray that you can see more than what you perceive of your life. you don't want to be average, but who are you to judge what is "average"?

You are very blessed indeed to have a choir concert to work towards, one carolling opportunity, and as ED of DHAP next year. You have enough on your plate. Weren't you the one telling others not to fret because you are YOUR own best?

Here are more important things that you probably should work towards to. You want to explore some of your interests, preferably in voice. You want to be consistent in your academic work and actually start receiving quality grades in all your subjects (including improving your shit attitude towards Math). You ought to be humble and serve the community because you believe in helping the community within your capacity. You want to continue to give your all in your co-curriculars because that is where you learn, invaluably, about yourself as a person. You want to maintain happy and healthy relationships with your family and friends. You want to be someone less judgmental, less irritable and more approachable. You want to work hard for breakthroughs in the concert you have been blessed with next year.

You want to be someone who will remain unabashed even in bad times.

And I am going to hold your word for it!

You better not let me down. :)

Dealing with Diappointments

"There was some evident musicality here, but not enough technical range and control for completely convincing performance at this level."

"You have potential, but we are looking for people with who have already developed their musical ability to a higher degree."

"While we understand your passion, we feel that you could use the time to focus on other subjects."

I should have known it was going to be rocky year the moment I started the school year with losing my temper. Problem being, I never ever lost my temper. Until that day.

I don't really know what to feel  now to be honest. *lets out a laugh because I genuinely do not know what to say.

I feel disappointed.

Mainly because I worked pretty damn hard at every single thing up there. I know I wasn't the best at all of it. But all those higher education talks about chasing what you want, what you believe in and what you are good at - led me to most of the above. It kind of, pardon my french, sucks to not be deemed good enough. Because it sure is comforting to know that you are now not good at your best things, so you kind of don't even amount to anything at all. There is a stabbing at my heart mostly because for all of it, I know I was so close. I didn't make any uncalculated or unrealistic decisions. So close, to getting a small victory for myself. If only, if only, if only. This disappointment is regret. It is knowing the possibility of how things could have been that hurts the most.

For most part though, I feel nothing.

I actually, really, entirely felt nothing. Sure, I was anxious. And when the emails came I felt cells in my body stop moving. When I read the contents I feel a frown tug at the edge of my mouth and a silent sigh from within me. But I really didn't feel anything. The last one triggered this post, and that's all.

Am I supposed to feel alarmed that I don't? Should I be upset at my "numbness"? Because to feel nothing means that I have no determination to improve or no drive to work hard to be actually good at one damn thing, right?

Or should I seek comfort in that fact that each rejection is a blessing in disguise for me to stagger my work and give more quality stuff for the things I already have on my plate. To stop being so ambitious because clearly I am not a brilliant student, but an average Joe. To move on, since all I am doing is trapping myself in a bubble of doubt and despair.

Because rejection sends us on a pathway to destroy our self-esteem. It has definitely dug out my inadequacies and stuffed all my flaws in my face. I am sorry, for not being good enough. So, I will only work harder. As I always have.

As I always have. As I always have.

I know I will need to evaluate myself and be even more hardworking. It's just that it is a little difficult to do that when all your dreams (or, short-term goals) have been mashed into a pulp. It makes me wonder what can I even do without messing up in the future.