Dear December,
I went out with a friend today. She has always been a friend who brought odd moments of comfort, even though our paths diverged about 5 years ago.
December, it is funny how some people never change. I mean, we are all very volatile teenagers, going through changes in our mind and body beyond our means, whether we want it or not. Every day we are a self-help book on How-to-Adult: taxes, responsibilities, crushes, eyeliner, heels, phone calls, punctuality, beefing up resumes. Even though the damn hormones had its way of changing our physical selves (thanks, I didn't need that fancy dermatology going on my face), some things really stay the same.
So that was what she was. When she speaks, her mouth pulls downwards in a way someone who doesn't know her will probably take offense at. I munched on Thai food as tasty as all her qualms and quibbles about life. Even as we decided to walk the whole stretch from Kovan to Hougang, there she was, still complaining, talking a little too loudly, but always very sensible. That's her.
But December, I can't help but feel that as you aged, you forgot to bring me along. Because even if both of us as beings never changed, we can never the same as before. Surely you knew that someone that gregarious will always find more interesting company. It's not an accusation that she no longer values me, it's just how asking her for a catch up or even talking to her physically always seem to end up in physical voice message or tagged with a follow up on mail. Yet when she needed me like those fortnights ago, time and distance were never barriers to me.
I can't help but feel left out because I suppose I still treasure her as some of my greatest friends but she doesn't really seem to care that I sometimes need her too.
And I let it go because I understand she is not obliged to.
With love,
Me
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Closure
I can't help but notice that over the past few days, I managed to read about many students who have joined universities of their dreams (and these being highly reputable universities or competitive courses) out of sheer determination and of course, pure talent and intellect. Ever since late year 4, we have been bombarded with information about higher education. It's time to think about what you want to pursue in the future, they said. What they failed to mention was that even 2.5 years in advance, somehow, the time for us to think about our future is still not a lot at all.
Am I supposed to know what I want to be in the future at the tender age of 17? (Yes.)
I see these overachieving students - in the form of article reports on their achievements made by their school, or stumbling across their facebook, ask.fm and instagram. I feel emotions like never before.
I was in awe. When you hear brand names like Harvard, Yale, Oxbridge, YLL School of Medicine, University of London, NUS Law, etc, you can't help but feel that you have to be an extremely brilliant student to get in. Don't be so pessimistic! But it is true, isn't it? Brilliant grades are everywhere. And even with brilliant grades, you need (a) all-rounded character that is sure to set you apart from your peers to add on to the vibrancy of the campus or (b) incomparable intellectual curiosity with great academic potential, all while being able to study photogenically on grass.
Then I felt my self-worth shred into a million pieces. Well, to even consider those institutions, you still need the perfect grades first though. No GPA no talk. I scanned through many scholarship websites and though, holy shit the next time this portal opens it is going to be for students from my batch. Oh, they also all happen to ask for excellent A level results. And for a plain jane like me who always got by with very average grades, clearly not academically gifted, I don't think I should waste my time dreaming about these places.
Interestingly, I felt motivated too. Because some things I stumbled upon are very personal, social spaces. As I read through their social account I can't help but become a little hopeful because the people who typed all these comments are real. They are real Singaporeans who were once in schools like mine and led lives like mine; they juggled their CCAs and commitments, while working hard towards their examinations. They applied without any guarantees and one day their application will come back successful, which changed their life forever. Obviously, they all had great undeniable talent. So while I initially had no hope of getting into a reputable overseas school, after reading about them, I still have no hope, but I am a little bit less skeptical.
I hope to get a chance to get into an overseas university one day because I will be greatly humbled to be able to learn from professors highly knowledgeable in the field I am passionate about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ruling out staying local (if at all), but can you imagine? A place where professionals in your field of study exist coupled with the best research facilities in the world (they wrote my very textbooks and exams, damn it), and the demand of academic vigor, will give us an opportunity to stretch ourselves and our intellect. The chance to challenge ourselves to learn beyond what we perceive we can do, making us discover new things about our subject, ourselves and our society which we have never known before. If you are good at something, why do you not want to learn from the best resources and even the origin, in some cases? All these, coupled with experiencing a new culture, making new friends, and a chance to prove yourself at independent living and learning.
Of course, local or not, the context for both is still good grades.
Sometimes I wonder why I take the subjects I take. Honestly, I am not good at any of them other than geography... and GP maybe... and I am very well aware that in my cohort of 39, I am competing against at least 3 people who are also striving to be the best at it.
And maybe I shouldn't have taken the A level route, I told myself. I'm not sure if it is a coincidence or what but most of the aforementioned accounts came from students from ACSI, arguably the best IB school in Singapore. They all seem to have a way with words, very vocal and charismatic (even in writing) and seem to really enjoy their school life (exams and all). Ever since I went there for IMUNC last year and discovered that there are girls in ACSI (thereby discovering their IB programme), I can't help but read up a lot on it. I found out how you can choose a broader range of subjects, and everyone gets the chance to do an independent research and think critically with Theory of Knowledge. (No need to strive to get an H3 in order prove your aptitude and interest.) Above all, they all seem to have a very supportive school culture which motivates everyone to study hard, placing God at the center of everything they do in school, and eventually score school averages as much as 41/45. Maybe it is very shallow of me to think of it this way, but between a good IB result and a good A level result, I might be more suited towards the IB way of learning.
Should have went ahead with my gut feel.... of transferring. I mean, I did contemplate it, but I did not eventually. Transitioned into Senior High, like everyone else. Struggled, like most people.
So I went onto their website, at the end of 2015, just to see how one transfers from IP to IB. I know many people do that and I was just curious. Then I stumbled into the application form with this unmistakable disclaimer, in red: Did you get into your current school via the DSA-sec exercise? If your answer is yes, we are afraid that we cannot accept your application.
And that gave me some light in this gloomy month, I guess. Because my mind was distracted with so many what-ifs, I probably did not even focus on what's more important. I now know there is no point to think about IB - which I kinda did for the whole year - because it would have been impossible for me to transfer out of this school. It dawned on me that my path was set the moment I received the acceptance letter from this school 5 years ago.
It only means I should work doubly hard because my future, wherever I go, will go from here. This point. This point is a fact that will never change. So I am going to work with this and stop being an almost whiny complainer of circumstances. Because successful people achieve things despite their circumstances.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
cantabile
15/12/2015 - 10 days to Christmas.
About 13 days ago, I had a concert in school. Well, some may say I seem to always have concerts (which is something that I am incredibly thankful for and proud of as part of dhschoir). But this concert is special. Though it was a combined showcase with another school, it may very well be the last choir-only concert in my school life.
This concert experience was very different, I guess, because I was directly involved in running it. I used to do more subsidiary roles, be it just the JH choir, or some sub-comm, but it was my first time doing something on a more macro side and suddenly... four different choirs! But this experience was very fruitful and I really enjoyed this exchange with the choristers from River Valley. I think I'm already quite open in the past in that I made friends and kept in contact with friends from the same mass game group when most tend to not, but this exchange was way out of my expectations in that I got to mingle with the WHOLE year five batch. Maybe magic does happen when you realise it is your last year of exchange! We went out after every single full-day Monday practice and never failed to be the loudest group on the bus or restaurant. For these friendships, I am so immensely thankful.
And maybe also because it is my first concert without makeup. We had to work with little time on the day itself, although everything went fine, I still went to check on everything that was happening on the PAC during the time when everyone is scheduled to eat + change + get prepared. Similar to point 1 I guess? In that I always prepared during that time slot, eating as fast as I can so that I can rush up and get ready, asking people to hurry up or clear up the canteen after dinner. I was so worried when I realised that so much also goes on behind the scenes. By the time all those were settled, it was already the time when final warm-ups started! *shocks that send thrills down the spine a thousand times*
Then again, my make-up skills are so subpar that one probably cannot realise I had some on (hence I was fine with having my first zero-makeup-concert). What shocked me was that there were juniors who were shocked when I told them I didn't put any makeup! Hm... what is that supposed to mean, really?
About 13 days ago, I had a concert in school. Well, some may say I seem to always have concerts (which is something that I am incredibly thankful for and proud of as part of dhschoir). But this concert is special. Though it was a combined showcase with another school, it may very well be the last choir-only concert in my school life.
This concert experience was very different, I guess, because I was directly involved in running it. I used to do more subsidiary roles, be it just the JH choir, or some sub-comm, but it was my first time doing something on a more macro side and suddenly... four different choirs! But this experience was very fruitful and I really enjoyed this exchange with the choristers from River Valley. I think I'm already quite open in the past in that I made friends and kept in contact with friends from the same mass game group when most tend to not, but this exchange was way out of my expectations in that I got to mingle with the WHOLE year five batch. Maybe magic does happen when you realise it is your last year of exchange! We went out after every single full-day Monday practice and never failed to be the loudest group on the bus or restaurant. For these friendships, I am so immensely thankful.
And maybe also because it is my first concert without makeup. We had to work with little time on the day itself, although everything went fine, I still went to check on everything that was happening on the PAC during the time when everyone is scheduled to eat + change + get prepared. Similar to point 1 I guess? In that I always prepared during that time slot, eating as fast as I can so that I can rush up and get ready, asking people to hurry up or clear up the canteen after dinner. I was so worried when I realised that so much also goes on behind the scenes. By the time all those were settled, it was already the time when final warm-ups started! *shocks that send thrills down the spine a thousand times*
Then again, my make-up skills are so subpar that one probably cannot realise I had some on (hence I was fine with having my first zero-makeup-concert). What shocked me was that there were juniors who were shocked when I told them I didn't put any makeup! Hm... what is that supposed to mean, really?
Thursday, November 19, 2015
2016
Guess it's time to really re-evaluate what you want out of this holiday, into 2016, and beyond 2016.
Frankly, there are many areas for you to improve on. Though doors have closed, it only means you have more time to constantly reflect and improve on who you are as a person. So, you are going to do exactly that. It is going to be difficult, and I know it would be scary, but do not fear the expectations you have set for yourself.
Dear God, I pray that you can see more than what you perceive of your life. you don't want to be average, but who are you to judge what is "average"?
You are very blessed indeed to have a choir concert to work towards, one carolling opportunity, and as ED of DHAP next year. You have enough on your plate. Weren't you the one telling others not to fret because you are YOUR own best?
Here are more important things that you probably should work towards to. You want to explore some of your interests, preferably in voice. You want to be consistent in your academic work and actually start receiving quality grades in all your subjects (including improving your shit attitude towards Math). You ought to be humble and serve the community because you believe in helping the community within your capacity. You want to continue to give your all in your co-curriculars because that is where you learn, invaluably, about yourself as a person. You want to maintain happy and healthy relationships with your family and friends. You want to be someone less judgmental, less irritable and more approachable. You want to work hard for breakthroughs in the concert you have been blessed with next year.
You want to be someone who will remain unabashed even in bad times.
And I am going to hold your word for it!
You better not let me down. :)
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Dealing with Diappointments
"There was some evident musicality here, but not enough technical range and control for completely convincing performance at this level."
"You have potential, but we are looking for people with who have already developed their musical ability to a higher degree."
"While we understand your passion, we feel that you could use the time to focus on other subjects."
I should have known it was going to be rocky year the moment I started the school year with losing my temper. Problem being, I never ever lost my temper. Until that day.
I don't really know what to feel now to be honest. *lets out a laugh because I genuinely do not know what to say.
I feel disappointed.
Mainly because I worked pretty damn hard at every single thing up there. I know I wasn't the best at all of it. But all those higher education talks about chasing what you want, what you believe in and what you are good at - led me to most of the above. It kind of, pardon my french, sucks to not be deemed good enough. Because it sure is comforting to know that you are now not good at your best things, so you kind of don't even amount to anything at all. There is a stabbing at my heart mostly because for all of it, I know I was so close. I didn't make any uncalculated or unrealistic decisions. So close, to getting a small victory for myself. If only, if only, if only. This disappointment is regret. It is knowing the possibility of how things could have been that hurts the most.
For most part though, I feel nothing.
I actually, really, entirely felt nothing. Sure, I was anxious. And when the emails came I felt cells in my body stop moving. When I read the contents I feel a frown tug at the edge of my mouth and a silent sigh from within me. But I really didn't feel anything. The last one triggered this post, and that's all.
Am I supposed to feel alarmed that I don't? Should I be upset at my "numbness"? Because to feel nothing means that I have no determination to improve or no drive to work hard to be actually good at one damn thing, right?
Or should I seek comfort in that fact that each rejection is a blessing in disguise for me to stagger my work and give more quality stuff for the things I already have on my plate. To stop being so ambitious because clearly I am not a brilliant student, but an average Joe. To move on, since all I am doing is trapping myself in a bubble of doubt and despair.
Because rejection sends us on a pathway to destroy our self-esteem. It has definitely dug out my inadequacies and stuffed all my flaws in my face. I am sorry, for not being good enough. So, I will only work harder. As I always have.
As I always have. As I always have.
I know I will need to evaluate myself and be even more hardworking. It's just that it is a little difficult to do that when all your dreams (or, short-term goals) have been mashed into a pulp. It makes me wonder what can I even do without messing up in the future.
"You have potential, but we are looking for people with who have already developed their musical ability to a higher degree."
"While we understand your passion, we feel that you could use the time to focus on other subjects."
I should have known it was going to be rocky year the moment I started the school year with losing my temper. Problem being, I never ever lost my temper. Until that day.
I don't really know what to feel now to be honest. *lets out a laugh because I genuinely do not know what to say.
I feel disappointed.
Mainly because I worked pretty damn hard at every single thing up there. I know I wasn't the best at all of it. But all those higher education talks about chasing what you want, what you believe in and what you are good at - led me to most of the above. It kind of, pardon my french, sucks to not be deemed good enough. Because it sure is comforting to know that you are now not good at your best things, so you kind of don't even amount to anything at all. There is a stabbing at my heart mostly because for all of it, I know I was so close. I didn't make any uncalculated or unrealistic decisions. So close, to getting a small victory for myself. If only, if only, if only. This disappointment is regret. It is knowing the possibility of how things could have been that hurts the most.
For most part though, I feel nothing.
I actually, really, entirely felt nothing. Sure, I was anxious. And when the emails came I felt cells in my body stop moving. When I read the contents I feel a frown tug at the edge of my mouth and a silent sigh from within me. But I really didn't feel anything. The last one triggered this post, and that's all.
Am I supposed to feel alarmed that I don't? Should I be upset at my "numbness"? Because to feel nothing means that I have no determination to improve or no drive to work hard to be actually good at one damn thing, right?
Or should I seek comfort in that fact that each rejection is a blessing in disguise for me to stagger my work and give more quality stuff for the things I already have on my plate. To stop being so ambitious because clearly I am not a brilliant student, but an average Joe. To move on, since all I am doing is trapping myself in a bubble of doubt and despair.
Because rejection sends us on a pathway to destroy our self-esteem. It has definitely dug out my inadequacies and stuffed all my flaws in my face. I am sorry, for not being good enough. So, I will only work harder. As I always have.
As I always have. As I always have.
I know I will need to evaluate myself and be even more hardworking. It's just that it is a little difficult to do that when all your dreams (or, short-term goals) have been mashed into a pulp. It makes me wonder what can I even do without messing up in the future.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
October is Octover
Counting down to the last 2 months of the year already.
I think there's no saying more cliched than "time flies". While you know it's true, the reality of things still hit you hard when it really rolls over.
At this instant, I'm kind of chilling-out after spending the whole day re-engineering our GPP. OP is finishing in four days? SATs in six? I think I'll spend the next few days doing a lot of tests and speaking and painting and churning up more words for Q&A. Oh, the multi-disciplinary person PW makes me.
Seniors are also beginning their big As tomorrow. How would I fare if I were them? Hmm, let's see. About 50% of content is covered this year, and I still didn't manage to get everything under my fingertips. How about learning the other 50% in half the time and twice the business and yet be expected to know the whole syllabus from head to toe? Sounds very manageable!! SH choir whatsapp chat is ringing with messages first encouraging ones and now talking about how they should sleep now, but can't. If I were them my anxiety would be through the roof. If I were them I would probably not give two shits and just go to sleep. If I were them I would get a nightmare about how I flip open that dastardly paper from Cambridge and realise I can't do a single question (if I do fall asleep, that is). If I were them I would think of this as the last GP paper in my life and enjoy writing it.
If I were them how would I feel? Thisstandardized paper that everyone has talked about since forever, suddenly so real and right in front of my eyes.
Oh well, only one way to find out.
I think there's no saying more cliched than "time flies". While you know it's true, the reality of things still hit you hard when it really rolls over.
At this instant, I'm kind of chilling-out after spending the whole day re-engineering our GPP. OP is finishing in four days? SATs in six? I think I'll spend the next few days doing a lot of tests and speaking and painting and churning up more words for Q&A. Oh, the multi-disciplinary person PW makes me.
Seniors are also beginning their big As tomorrow. How would I fare if I were them? Hmm, let's see. About 50% of content is covered this year, and I still didn't manage to get everything under my fingertips. How about learning the other 50% in half the time and twice the business and yet be expected to know the whole syllabus from head to toe? Sounds very manageable!! SH choir whatsapp chat is ringing with messages first encouraging ones and now talking about how they should sleep now, but can't. If I were them my anxiety would be through the roof. If I were them I would probably not give two shits and just go to sleep. If I were them I would get a nightmare about how I flip open that dastardly paper from Cambridge and realise I can't do a single question (if I do fall asleep, that is). If I were them I would think of this as the last GP paper in my life and enjoy writing it.
If I were them how would I feel? This
Oh well, only one way to find out.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Let it snow
These few weeks have been nothing short of crazy has we went into a blur of script checking, lectures, doing up PW components of Written Report and Oral Presentation, Choir. I'm also attempting to rush for my SATs, o good lord. Initially I did have reservations about rushing for it in November but the whole year long, school has just been telling us how we should really make use of the old syllabus as a safety net and I guess a small part of me would like to have enough time to schedule a retest if I feel I have the capacity to do better.
In a miraculous turn of events, I managed to pass all of my subjects for promos which was a great improvement from last season where I sub-passed Chemistry. Well but certain sacrifices were made such as losing my B for Bio. Improved Geog by a grade (!!) which is cool but really... what did I expect when I smoked my way through and entirely, completely screwed over one essay question in the last test (ironically, it was during this exam that the room smelled like the burning fury of 1000 forests).
In other news as well it is intense (not in twenties, but in tens) PW season right here right now. Just last week we were trying to rush out the bane of our existence WR and watching draft after draft of our WR getting destroyed was tragically beautiful. I don't think I have ever felt such a stark contrast between the highs and lows (ha-ha) of a journey until this moment. I'm glad that our PW group was on the same page and absolutely slayed with our determination to get the X factor for our WR by shamelessly asking for so many WRs to read and figuring out how the fuck can we salvage this hot mess. I will forever remember the day when something clicked and somehow all 5 of us were on the same page of what we want (this is the beginning of the final look of our WR) but alas guess what we were meeting our teacher in TWO HOURS and we were so scared we all took turns to lose our shit over WR. For the usually calm and collected us, it was hilarious.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
bruised nectarines, stale candles
It has been months since I came onto this space to update, though I do visit it time to time to read old posts.
I think I enjoy doing the latter more because it makes me realise that time has passed us by, and those times will never repeat itself again. People change, circumstances change. Some days we want to bask in all its glory, some days we seal it in an brown paper envelope and keep it in a deep corner of our heart, some days your eyes see it but your brain says no, and so you live in pretense because it's less painful that way.
Anyhow as I type this, promotional exams (affectionately known as "promos") have just ended and it has been really tiring, to say the least. Let's begin from somewhere slightly earlier.
Term 3 was a hell of a ride. PW, A level SPA, spamming of new knowledge and tutorials and follow-up lecture tests (so, endless study) and choir. It was hella nasty. PW involved EoM which somehow magically gets worse after each draft and is practically reduced to word trash or wet socks by the last. I felt that churning out WR was the worst though, because our strategies really ended up sounding lacklustre and I felt really apologetic to my groupmates because I'm looking at the draft really helplessly, thinking everything is lacking the X factor and yet is also equally confused at where to even begin salvaging this mess. (Kids, PW messes up your life. As Mr Chew has rightly termed, "borderline child abuse".) Almost everyone is receiving unfavorable comments, taking projects look bleak, putting personal motivations to the test. Why is there even such a thing? Maybe there's a special place in hell for something like PW.
SPA - well, it was easy and difficult at the same time. Screwed up Chem though, because there was this part where I messed up (and decided to stop trying to attempt my questions instead) but it would give me an essential reading for my calculations. So, I didn't complete my calculations in a national exam.
The worst was the endless cycle of absorbing new content and studying for it. Interestingly, I only did "well" for chem, and kind of failed the rest. You know shit is real when the passing grade is lowered to 45% and you still can't make it ha-aha-ha. For the rest, all were so close. For Bio and Geog though, my disappointment overpowers. I'm not the kind to be affected by grades. But I can't help but feel inadequate when I did study hard for these tests and all my answers lack that little bit more that the teachers want. Then, all your peers seem to be faring better than you.
Choir, as usual, was a place to seek refuge from the endless bombing of deadlines. We crashed JH to perform for a YFC concert. Then, we decided to find something to do as a small batch of 10. It was Yixuan's YFC concert which was a hipster local music festival at the school field. Very coachella, super duper interesting experience. What I learnt from it though, is that perhaps acapella music isn't really our thing........... let's just remain a choir. We can say we tried..
In the past 3.5 weeks I really don't recall a single day I haven't been studying. It's true - I seriously practiced/read/wrote/made notes/memorised every single day. I don't think I have ever studied this hard in my life so far. And guess what? It still wasn't enough, I go into each test knowing I didn't practice this enough/ I didn't really study that. How is it possible to have 4 subjects and so much to learn?
Still, I seek comfort in the fact that I somehow managed to find a study group within my class. This has been a really trying period, trying to meet deadlines, expectations, and internalizing new things. There were times when I felt absolutely beaten, drained, and it was in Him that I placed my trust. Dear God, why must it be this way? Why do students subject ourselves to this? I'm not even studying at a level of education that high or anything, but I feel tired. All my friends seem fine, but I feel tired. There are more worries to life but as a student, I feel tired. Is it just me? Am I allowed to feel tired? Am I obliged to conceal and move on? I think, for a moment demons did catch up with me. My mum was slightly annoyed at my state. Who wouldn't be?
Yet, our God is a good God. I was given a study group from none other than my class. We are a very unexpected group of people, slightly varying on our academic abilities (I'm the black sheep), not the exact subject combinations, but one thing for sure was we found productivity studying together in school. Throughout the holidays and study breaks we found one another in our classroom, taking the place from morning till we were chased, and then we migrate to the canteen to continue till after 9. It sounds nasty (again). But what was good was that this group made everything funny. And humor lasts you through tough times. We took appropriate comedy breaks as much as we clarified our doubts with each other. After 9 months of being classmates I finally got to know Justlyn better, and it was utterly amazeballs that we found so much in common and there is never a single void in our (almost) daily conversations from Mountbatten to Sengkang. I must be blind to never realise someone who thinks so much like me and so willing to be "direct" in speech... has been sitting in the same homeroom as me for so long. Indeed I am blind - I felt almost horrid that taking to Justlyn made me realise I am, hate to admit this, more judgmental than I think. I don't want to be so clouded by my own judgments. So, I will continually try to improve myself on this aspect and build healthy relationships with people :)
My mum, too. Though hard on the surface, she surprised me by sending me a whatsapp messages conveying words she didn't really say in real life. In fact, she messaged me everyday following the initial surprise. Her messages often consoled me by telling me that learning should be a joy and not a burden, but more importantly she told me not to worry, that results are secondary, and she is fine with whatever I get because she can see from all these long days I'm pulling, that I've tried my best. Most importantly, her messages told me she loved me. And I love her so! We have bad days, but more good days.
Got many messages from friends, some slightly unexpected, but all telling me to press on.
I got more than I asked for, because God listened and blessed me with these people in my life. Actually, he didn't really. He opened my eyes to people who He had already placed in my life, to let me know there are people who are pulling me through trials and setbacks. Our God is a realistic God. Praying won't get you things like magically having all the content for H2 Chem transferred to your head, an easy paper, or a shortcut for you to work less harder. Studying is still a necessity that is mentally draining. What I got was strength in knowing that I have so much support and love, and I didn't see it, so I thought I was suffering alone. I am too blessed to be stressed.
Which is why I felt better as I studied on, though as I mentioned, I didn't go into a single test where I studied everything. (BCMG? Not possible, I think...) But I went in calm. In the end, every single paper shocked me in some way. Traumatic shock. Now, I seriously think I really might have done badly for... almost everything. Mum still called me after every paper to ask me how it went. I told her after Math that it feels like all teachers are trying to fail us deliberately. She replied, "不升级就不升，方正学费不贵，多读一年也好。" :")
What I now know from this past month is that I learnt far more than Vectors, DNA fingerprinting, population resources or alkanes. I learnt I am surrounded by people I love, who love me back. My worries are insignificant. Somehow through it, I also reviewed who I am as a person. It is more important to be positive. These are the more important things in the game of life.
I didn't know I have to learn it this way. This lesson is a great gift to the heart, I think I wouldn't have it any other way.
x
I think I enjoy doing the latter more because it makes me realise that time has passed us by, and those times will never repeat itself again. People change, circumstances change. Some days we want to bask in all its glory, some days we seal it in an brown paper envelope and keep it in a deep corner of our heart, some days your eyes see it but your brain says no, and so you live in pretense because it's less painful that way.
Anyhow as I type this, promotional exams (affectionately known as "promos") have just ended and it has been really tiring, to say the least. Let's begin from somewhere slightly earlier.
Term 3 was a hell of a ride. PW, A level SPA, spamming of new knowledge and tutorials and follow-up lecture tests (so, endless study) and choir. It was hella nasty. PW involved EoM which somehow magically gets worse after each draft and is practically reduced to word trash or wet socks by the last. I felt that churning out WR was the worst though, because our strategies really ended up sounding lacklustre and I felt really apologetic to my groupmates because I'm looking at the draft really helplessly, thinking everything is lacking the X factor and yet is also equally confused at where to even begin salvaging this mess. (Kids, PW messes up your life. As Mr Chew has rightly termed, "borderline child abuse".) Almost everyone is receiving unfavorable comments, taking projects look bleak, putting personal motivations to the test. Why is there even such a thing? Maybe there's a special place in hell for something like PW.
SPA - well, it was easy and difficult at the same time. Screwed up Chem though, because there was this part where I messed up (and decided to stop trying to attempt my questions instead) but it would give me an essential reading for my calculations. So, I didn't complete my calculations in a national exam.
The worst was the endless cycle of absorbing new content and studying for it. Interestingly, I only did "well" for chem, and kind of failed the rest. You know shit is real when the passing grade is lowered to 45% and you still can't make it ha-aha-ha. For the rest, all were so close. For Bio and Geog though, my disappointment overpowers. I'm not the kind to be affected by grades. But I can't help but feel inadequate when I did study hard for these tests and all my answers lack that little bit more that the teachers want. Then, all your peers seem to be faring better than you.
Choir, as usual, was a place to seek refuge from the endless bombing of deadlines. We crashed JH to perform for a YFC concert. Then, we decided to find something to do as a small batch of 10. It was Yixuan's YFC concert which was a hipster local music festival at the school field. Very coachella, super duper interesting experience. What I learnt from it though, is that perhaps acapella music isn't really our thing........... let's just remain a choir. We can say we tried..
In the past 3.5 weeks I really don't recall a single day I haven't been studying. It's true - I seriously practiced/read/wrote/made notes/memorised every single day. I don't think I have ever studied this hard in my life so far. And guess what? It still wasn't enough, I go into each test knowing I didn't practice this enough/ I didn't really study that. How is it possible to have 4 subjects and so much to learn?
Still, I seek comfort in the fact that I somehow managed to find a study group within my class. This has been a really trying period, trying to meet deadlines, expectations, and internalizing new things. There were times when I felt absolutely beaten, drained, and it was in Him that I placed my trust. Dear God, why must it be this way? Why do students subject ourselves to this? I'm not even studying at a level of education that high or anything, but I feel tired. All my friends seem fine, but I feel tired. There are more worries to life but as a student, I feel tired. Is it just me? Am I allowed to feel tired? Am I obliged to conceal and move on? I think, for a moment demons did catch up with me. My mum was slightly annoyed at my state. Who wouldn't be?
Yet, our God is a good God. I was given a study group from none other than my class. We are a very unexpected group of people, slightly varying on our academic abilities (I'm the black sheep), not the exact subject combinations, but one thing for sure was we found productivity studying together in school. Throughout the holidays and study breaks we found one another in our classroom, taking the place from morning till we were chased, and then we migrate to the canteen to continue till after 9. It sounds nasty (again). But what was good was that this group made everything funny. And humor lasts you through tough times. We took appropriate comedy breaks as much as we clarified our doubts with each other. After 9 months of being classmates I finally got to know Justlyn better, and it was utterly amazeballs that we found so much in common and there is never a single void in our (almost) daily conversations from Mountbatten to Sengkang. I must be blind to never realise someone who thinks so much like me and so willing to be "direct" in speech... has been sitting in the same homeroom as me for so long. Indeed I am blind - I felt almost horrid that taking to Justlyn made me realise I am, hate to admit this, more judgmental than I think. I don't want to be so clouded by my own judgments. So, I will continually try to improve myself on this aspect and build healthy relationships with people :)
My mum, too. Though hard on the surface, she surprised me by sending me a whatsapp messages conveying words she didn't really say in real life. In fact, she messaged me everyday following the initial surprise. Her messages often consoled me by telling me that learning should be a joy and not a burden, but more importantly she told me not to worry, that results are secondary, and she is fine with whatever I get because she can see from all these long days I'm pulling, that I've tried my best. Most importantly, her messages told me she loved me. And I love her so! We have bad days, but more good days.
Got many messages from friends, some slightly unexpected, but all telling me to press on.
I got more than I asked for, because God listened and blessed me with these people in my life. Actually, he didn't really. He opened my eyes to people who He had already placed in my life, to let me know there are people who are pulling me through trials and setbacks. Our God is a realistic God. Praying won't get you things like magically having all the content for H2 Chem transferred to your head, an easy paper, or a shortcut for you to work less harder. Studying is still a necessity that is mentally draining. What I got was strength in knowing that I have so much support and love, and I didn't see it, so I thought I was suffering alone. I am too blessed to be stressed.
Which is why I felt better as I studied on, though as I mentioned, I didn't go into a single test where I studied everything. (BCMG? Not possible, I think...) But I went in calm. In the end, every single paper shocked me in some way. Traumatic shock. Now, I seriously think I really might have done badly for... almost everything. Mum still called me after every paper to ask me how it went. I told her after Math that it feels like all teachers are trying to fail us deliberately. She replied, "不升级就不升，方正学费不贵，多读一年也好。" :")
What I now know from this past month is that I learnt far more than Vectors, DNA fingerprinting, population resources or alkanes. I learnt I am surrounded by people I love, who love me back. My worries are insignificant. Somehow through it, I also reviewed who I am as a person. It is more important to be positive. These are the more important things in the game of life.
I didn't know I have to learn it this way. This lesson is a great gift to the heart, I think I wouldn't have it any other way.
x
Friday, June 19, 2015
It's June!!! It's another holiday season. Like every year, we ask: what holiday? This june is even more special because it is even less of a holiday. Our exams actually begin right after this break.
I thought it was a nice placement, because after all, you are given one month at your disposal to study for your subjects. If I can make do with a few days or even one night for all my previous tests surely I can do it with an average of one week per subject.
What can go wrong??
Since it's June, it calls for some closure on the first half of 2015. It a pretty wild year so far, I guess. I've accomplished so much more in shchoir (SYF and concert) and ISAC. Thought studies would be tough but have yet to fail anything (OK except for that 5/21 atmo paper. Hahahaha h8 u physical-technical-geog) which is pleasantly surprising. Went for a geog competition (which was on urban geog!) with the best team ever and winning something was the cherry on top :) Crazy planning for DHAP finally ended after 3 days which effectively consumed all of my first week of holidays. Spent the weekend preparing for MES which was good but to be honest, I wouldn't go if I had a choice. Lost another 3 days in week 2 and really only began studying for JCTs last Thursday.
Just wanna spend more time to talk about choir: I still remember that fateful Monday practice when Ms Tham and the teachers sat us down for the whole 3 hours to talk about whether or not we want to pull out of SYF. We were already short on time (Ideally, 3 songs should be completed by Jan but it was late Jan and we were not even near done with Impressions), Ms Tham practices are once a week, and she just spent the whole practice doing zero singing - put two and two together, you realise that the this is pretty much a very, very grave matter. But it was also the most raw practice I've ever been to, because each one of us had to say if we wanted to go, which led to really heart-warming, passionate speeches and tears. More tears than expected. So many different perspectives - how this SYF is a last time to share the stage with lifelong friends, "MCTs are not even graded anyway", I don't want to live a life with regrets, I'm new but I really want to try, you all are the best thing that has ever happened to me and even if it's a difficult fight I want us to go and fight - I want to fight. It was an emotional practice. Afterward, my whatsapp ringed all night with this same group of people reinforcing what was discussed, and now with solid plans on how we need to toughen up ourselves physically, musically, mentally.
It was easy to get inspired but the months that followed were an uphill climb. Our seniors were crazy smart, and half of them were knocked down to go for friday H3 lessons (this doesn't even include those who took the school-based H3s - they are insane), so a quarter of the choir was gone. In fact, we probably didnt get through all three songs without breaking down until late February - which leaves us with 2 weeks to get to a suitable standard so our paid test rehearsal won't go to waste. There was a lot of chionging - the moment year 6s ended their CT, we jumped into a bus for NJC to exchange our pieces (needless to say it left us completely demoralized as we did not do well). Somewhere along the way, all the after-practice reflections, PTs, getting scolded for being late for Saturday pracs, tears, more tears, muscle aches, tideous cramming of Impressions (100++ bars of rhythm and melody with zero pattern oh my god), lou-hei, after-prac dinners, a lot of familiar laughter, very stupid whatsapp conversations, even stupider photos, we made it for school for PT at 6.30am on that Thursday, we sang and danced to siepe (but alas it was sharp) at the track with sun rising in the horizon, showered and ate breakfast in the canteen and tricking the whole school into thinking we slept over, had flag-raising in the Choir room. Standing backstage and doing pre-concert rituals. Somehow Ms Tham's smile reassures. Suddenly it did not matter that we, a choir who dangerously met the number requirement for SYF, were sandwiched between two powerhouse choirs. It did not matter that there was a chance our efforts may not be met with a Distinction (this is exactly the point during aforementioned Monday). It did not matter because I had the best performance ever in my 5 years of Choir and I actually legit felt VERY happy for the first time as I stepped down. It did not matter when we found out by noon the next day we did get the D and Mrs Lee and Hilda and I ran towards each other in the canteen and screamed while in embrace. Truly, no regrets.
It was also half a year of emotional extremes I guess? As highlighted by previous post. To those who really came and talk to me: It really wasn't aimed at any one of you. I meant it in a really general sense. If it's anyone's problem it should be mine. You are all very precious to me and you get me going :-) I am managing better. Slowly but surely.
Don't know whether to laugh and cry at my state of revision.
I thought it was a nice placement, because after all, you are given one month at your disposal to study for your subjects. If I can make do with a few days or even one night for all my previous tests surely I can do it with an average of one week per subject.
What can go wrong??
Since it's June, it calls for some closure on the first half of 2015. It a pretty wild year so far, I guess. I've accomplished so much more in shchoir (SYF and concert) and ISAC. Thought studies would be tough but have yet to fail anything (OK except for that 5/21 atmo paper. Hahahaha h8 u physical-technical-geog) which is pleasantly surprising. Went for a geog competition (which was on urban geog!) with the best team ever and winning something was the cherry on top :) Crazy planning for DHAP finally ended after 3 days which effectively consumed all of my first week of holidays. Spent the weekend preparing for MES which was good but to be honest, I wouldn't go if I had a choice. Lost another 3 days in week 2 and really only began studying for JCTs last Thursday.
Just wanna spend more time to talk about choir: I still remember that fateful Monday practice when Ms Tham and the teachers sat us down for the whole 3 hours to talk about whether or not we want to pull out of SYF. We were already short on time (Ideally, 3 songs should be completed by Jan but it was late Jan and we were not even near done with Impressions), Ms Tham practices are once a week, and she just spent the whole practice doing zero singing - put two and two together, you realise that the this is pretty much a very, very grave matter. But it was also the most raw practice I've ever been to, because each one of us had to say if we wanted to go, which led to really heart-warming, passionate speeches and tears. More tears than expected. So many different perspectives - how this SYF is a last time to share the stage with lifelong friends, "MCTs are not even graded anyway", I don't want to live a life with regrets, I'm new but I really want to try, you all are the best thing that has ever happened to me and even if it's a difficult fight I want us to go and fight - I want to fight. It was an emotional practice. Afterward, my whatsapp ringed all night with this same group of people reinforcing what was discussed, and now with solid plans on how we need to toughen up ourselves physically, musically, mentally.
It was easy to get inspired but the months that followed were an uphill climb. Our seniors were crazy smart, and half of them were knocked down to go for friday H3 lessons (this doesn't even include those who took the school-based H3s - they are insane), so a quarter of the choir was gone. In fact, we probably didnt get through all three songs without breaking down until late February - which leaves us with 2 weeks to get to a suitable standard so our paid test rehearsal won't go to waste. There was a lot of chionging - the moment year 6s ended their CT, we jumped into a bus for NJC to exchange our pieces (needless to say it left us completely demoralized as we did not do well). Somewhere along the way, all the after-practice reflections, PTs, getting scolded for being late for Saturday pracs, tears, more tears, muscle aches, tideous cramming of Impressions (100++ bars of rhythm and melody with zero pattern oh my god), lou-hei, after-prac dinners, a lot of familiar laughter, very stupid whatsapp conversations, even stupider photos, we made it for school for PT at 6.30am on that Thursday, we sang and danced to siepe (but alas it was sharp) at the track with sun rising in the horizon, showered and ate breakfast in the canteen and tricking the whole school into thinking we slept over, had flag-raising in the Choir room. Standing backstage and doing pre-concert rituals. Somehow Ms Tham's smile reassures. Suddenly it did not matter that we, a choir who dangerously met the number requirement for SYF, were sandwiched between two powerhouse choirs. It did not matter that there was a chance our efforts may not be met with a Distinction (this is exactly the point during aforementioned Monday). It did not matter because I had the best performance ever in my 5 years of Choir and I actually legit felt VERY happy for the first time as I stepped down. It did not matter when we found out by noon the next day we did get the D and Mrs Lee and Hilda and I ran towards each other in the canteen and screamed while in embrace. Truly, no regrets.
It was also half a year of emotional extremes I guess? As highlighted by previous post. To those who really came and talk to me: It really wasn't aimed at any one of you. I meant it in a really general sense. If it's anyone's problem it should be mine. You are all very precious to me and you get me going :-) I am managing better. Slowly but surely.
Don't know whether to laugh and cry at my state of revision.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Going crazy as I live in this stupid place of a hellhole. I often say that my family is of utmost importance to me and that I cherish them a lot, I really do, but I am nothing in their eyes as compared to what they are in my eyes. Ha, funny how this is reflective of all my friendships. I say "all" without blinking an eye. It's true, I don't have a best friend, though I do hold some people close to me, I know they all chase for other priorities in their lives.
This isn't a post looking for pity and sympathy. For most part, I have long given up on searching for "that best friend" and just try my best to maintain a few. I willingly do things alone, and I am more than okay with it.
What pushed me past my breaking point to lash out on virtual space is really none other than people who have the same blood pulsing through their veins as me.
I am usually very composed and I take shit really well. But in the recent year I think I am losing myself. I am so afraid, because I am losing grab of my emotions. And I am so used of having full control of how I feel. I tell myself I am a tough girl but it gets difficult in recent times. I catch myself shaking and having urges to punch items or pick up the things nearest to me and throw it with all the energy I can muster. I catch myself wanting to crudely point all my middle fingers (sadly, only have two.) I used to adopt the "talk politely and logically to people who talk shit to you" approach but nowadays it is almost an reflex that I raise my voice when I talk.
Numerous times I have teared this year because I realised no one in this family understands my intent and what I want to express.
There is nobody I can talk this to. And no, not a counselor. I don't believe in this whole counselor thing. Listen to this: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I am not stressed. Contrary to that I actually no longer give a shit about the rights I have at home. I try my best at school. No, I don't intend to self-harm/ starve myself/ join a gang/ smoke/ play truancy. So, I don't need a counselor. What I need is someone to listen. No, I don't even ask for that much. I just need somewhere kind enough to take in my angst and bury it.
Confession: I sometimes stay in school till as late as I can because it means lesser time spent idling at home. I avoid the probabilities altogether. It's sick, but at least I'm not avoiding bedtime.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Japan
I miss Japan.
Honestly, this (say: that) holiday was my best and also worst vacation so far. I want to repeat those days and don't want to do it again at the same time. It's conflicting, it's complicated. But for all the goodness of Japan that I got to experience, I am grateful. For the things I once only dreamt of, thank you for making it come true.
x
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