Death.
Death is confusing, death is simple. Death is selfless, death is selfish. Death can be longed for, death can be unexpected. Death is never just about the dead.
Loss and sadness are feelings innate in all of us. Today I write this post in tribute of my friend's family who left us too soon.
When I first heard the news, I gasped and stared at my phone for a long time. It was in the middle of a carolling day. My smiles for the rest of the day did not feel right. The words I sang were empty.
My mother is my best friend. I told her immediately. That night, we sat at the dining table and talked. I told my mother honestly that if she, my father and my brother left me, I will wish that I died during the incident too. It is not because I would not be brave enough to face everything alone. I think I will be void of purpose in life since family is my purpose.
My mother looked at me earnestly and said, "It will always be the wish of the family who left for their child to be strong."
We had an honest conversation. She candidly said that children tend to be able to carry on with their lives even though their parents have died, while parents who lose their children often lose their will to live. Parents* have stronger emotional ties to their children than their children have to them.
After thinking through, I told her I might be able to carry on without them. I like to think I have a good relationship with each of my parents, though not perfect, we do have good conversations, hang out, laugh, spend an ok amount of time together, and I can say for sure that I am damn proud of them and their story. Regret is a big thing which I think will gnaw at your heart if any of your loved one(s) leave. So I said I think I showed my parents I loved them in this lifetime. I will only regret for my brother. Our relationship is still unstable, he drives me to my edge all the time, and yet I remain guilty for all the times in the past when all he wanted was me to notice/love/hug him back but I would be so annoyed. Now he is just a bratty teenager who hates going out with us.
Dear God, if I have one prayer this Christmas is that you will save my relationship with my brother before it is too late. I love him so much. I hope you will let him know that. I hope you will let me see his love for me too.
God, let my friends who have strained relationships with their family find peace and harmony. Give them guidance to treat their family better. Let them at least have no regrets when they find meaning in the words "life is fleeting".
And God, give her strength to find your wisdom in this trying time. Let her know that I will love her always.
