It has been months since I came onto this space to update, though I do visit it time to time to read old posts.
I think I enjoy doing the latter more because it makes me realise that time has passed us by, and those times will never repeat itself again. People change, circumstances change. Some days we want to bask in all its glory, some days we seal it in an brown paper envelope and keep it in a deep corner of our heart, some days your eyes see it but your brain says no, and so you live in pretense because it's less painful that way.
Anyhow as I type this, promotional exams (affectionately known as "promos") have just ended and it has been really tiring, to say the least. Let's begin from somewhere slightly earlier.
Term 3 was a hell of a ride. PW, A level SPA, spamming of new knowledge and tutorials and follow-up lecture tests (so, endless study) and choir. It was hella nasty. PW involved EoM which somehow magically gets worse after each draft and is practically reduced to word trash or wet socks by the last. I felt that churning out WR was the worst though, because our strategies really ended up sounding lacklustre and I felt really apologetic to my groupmates because I'm looking at the draft really helplessly, thinking everything is lacking the X factor and yet is also equally confused at where to even begin salvaging this mess. (Kids, PW messes up your life. As Mr Chew has rightly termed, "borderline child abuse".) Almost everyone is receiving unfavorable comments, taking projects look bleak, putting personal motivations to the test. Why is there even such a thing? Maybe there's a special place in hell for something like PW.
SPA - well, it was easy and difficult at the same time. Screwed up Chem though, because there was this part where I messed up (and decided to stop trying to attempt my questions instead) but it would give me an essential reading for my calculations. So, I didn't complete my calculations in a national exam.
The worst was the endless cycle of absorbing new content and studying for it. Interestingly, I only did "well" for chem, and kind of failed the rest. You know shit is real when the passing grade is lowered to 45% and you still can't make it ha-aha-ha. For the rest, all were so close. For Bio and Geog though, my disappointment overpowers. I'm not the kind to be affected by grades. But I can't help but feel inadequate when I did study hard for these tests and all my answers lack that little bit more that the teachers want. Then, all your peers seem to be faring better than you.
Choir, as usual, was a place to seek refuge from the endless bombing of deadlines. We crashed JH to perform for a YFC concert. Then, we decided to find something to do as a small batch of 10. It was Yixuan's YFC concert which was a hipster local music festival at the school field. Very coachella, super duper interesting experience. What I learnt from it though, is that perhaps acapella music isn't really our thing........... let's just remain a choir. We can say we tried..
In the past 3.5 weeks I really don't recall a single day I haven't been studying. It's true - I seriously practiced/read/wrote/made notes/memorised every single day. I don't think I have ever studied this hard in my life so far. And guess what? It still wasn't enough, I go into each test knowing I didn't practice this enough/ I didn't really study that. How is it possible to have 4 subjects and so much to learn?
Still, I seek comfort in the fact that I somehow managed to find a study group within my class. This has been a really trying period, trying to meet deadlines, expectations, and internalizing new things. There were times when I felt absolutely beaten, drained, and it was in Him that I placed my trust.
Dear God, why must it be this way? Why do students subject ourselves to this? I'm not even studying at a level of education that high or anything, but I feel tired. All my friends seem fine, but I feel tired. There are more worries to life but as a student, I feel tired. Is it just me? Am I allowed to feel tired? Am I obliged to conceal and move on? I think, for a moment demons did catch up with me. My mum was slightly annoyed at my state.
Who wouldn't be?
Yet, our God is a good God. I was given a study group from none other than my class. We are a very unexpected group of people, slightly varying on our academic abilities (I'm the black sheep), not the exact subject combinations, but one thing for sure was we found productivity studying together in school. Throughout the holidays and study breaks we found one another in our classroom, taking the place from morning till we were chased, and then we migrate to the canteen to continue till after 9. It sounds nasty (again). But what was good was that this group made everything funny. And humor lasts you through tough times. We took appropriate comedy breaks as much as we clarified our doubts with each other. After 9 months of being classmates I finally got to know Justlyn better, and it was utterly amazeballs that we found so much in common and there is never a single void in our (almost) daily conversations from Mountbatten to Sengkang. I must be blind to never realise someone who thinks so much like me and so willing to be "direct" in speech... has been sitting in the same homeroom as me for so long. Indeed I am blind - I felt almost horrid that taking to Justlyn made me realise I am, hate to admit this, more judgmental than I think. I don't want to be so clouded by my own judgments. So, I will continually try to improve myself on this aspect and build healthy relationships with people :)
My mum, too. Though hard on the surface, she surprised me by sending me a whatsapp messages conveying words she didn't really say in real life. In fact, she messaged me everyday following the initial surprise. Her messages often consoled me by telling me that learning should be a joy and not a burden, but more importantly she told me not to worry, that results are secondary, and she is fine with whatever I get because she can see from all these long days I'm pulling, that I've tried my best. Most importantly, her messages told me she loved me. And I love her so! We have bad days, but more good days.
Got many messages from friends, some slightly unexpected, but all telling me to press on.
I got more than I asked for, because God listened and blessed me with these people in my life. Actually, he didn't really.
He opened my eyes to people who He had already placed in my life, to let me know there are people who are pulling me through trials and setbacks. Our God is a realistic God. Praying won't get you things like magically having all the content for H2 Chem transferred to your head, an easy paper, or a shortcut for you to work less harder. Studying is still a necessity that is mentally draining. What I got was strength in knowing that I have so much support and love, and I didn't see it, so I thought I was suffering alone.
I am too blessed to be stressed.
Which is why I felt better as I studied on, though as I mentioned, I didn't go into a single test where I studied everything. (BCMG? Not possible, I think...) But I went in calm. In the end, every single paper shocked me in some way. Traumatic shock. Now, I seriously think I really might have done badly for... almost everything. Mum still called me after every paper to ask me how it went. I told her after Math that it feels like all teachers are trying to fail us deliberately. She replied, "不升级就不升，方正学费不贵，多读一年也好。" :")
What I now know from this past month is that I learnt far more than Vectors, DNA fingerprinting, population resources or alkanes. I learnt I am surrounded by people I love, who love me back. My worries are insignificant. Somehow through it, I also reviewed who I am as a person. It is more important to be positive. These are the more important things in the game of life.
I didn't know I have to learn it this way. This lesson is a great gift to the heart, I think I wouldn't have it any other way.
x
