2016

Guess it's time to really re-evaluate what you want out of this holiday, into 2016, and beyond 2016.

Frankly,  there are many areas for you to improve on. Though doors have closed, it only means you have more time to constantly reflect and improve on who you are as a person. So, you are going to do exactly that. It is going to be difficult, and I know it would be scary, but do not fear the expectations you have set for yourself.

Dear God, I pray that you can see more than what you perceive of your life. you don't want to be average, but who are you to judge what is "average"?

You are very blessed indeed to have a choir concert to work towards, one carolling opportunity, and as ED of DHAP next year. You have enough on your plate. Weren't you the one telling others not to fret because you are YOUR own best?

Here are more important things that you probably should work towards to. You want to explore some of your interests, preferably in voice. You want to be consistent in your academic work and actually start receiving quality grades in all your subjects (including improving your shit attitude towards Math). You ought to be humble and serve the community because you believe in helping the community within your capacity. You want to continue to give your all in your co-curriculars because that is where you learn, invaluably, about yourself as a person. You want to maintain happy and healthy relationships with your family and friends. You want to be someone less judgmental, less irritable and more approachable. You want to work hard for breakthroughs in the concert you have been blessed with next year.

You want to be someone who will remain unabashed even in bad times.

And I am going to hold your word for it!

You better not let me down. :)

Dealing with Diappointments

"There was some evident musicality here, but not enough technical range and control for completely convincing performance at this level."

"You have potential, but we are looking for people with who have already developed their musical ability to a higher degree."

"While we understand your passion, we feel that you could use the time to focus on other subjects."

I should have known it was going to be rocky year the moment I started the school year with losing my temper. Problem being, I never ever lost my temper. Until that day.

I don't really know what to feel  now to be honest. *lets out a laugh because I genuinely do not know what to say.

I feel disappointed.

Mainly because I worked pretty damn hard at every single thing up there. I know I wasn't the best at all of it. But all those higher education talks about chasing what you want, what you believe in and what you are good at - led me to most of the above. It kind of, pardon my french, sucks to not be deemed good enough. Because it sure is comforting to know that you are now not good at your best things, so you kind of don't even amount to anything at all. There is a stabbing at my heart mostly because for all of it, I know I was so close. I didn't make any uncalculated or unrealistic decisions. So close, to getting a small victory for myself. If only, if only, if only. This disappointment is regret. It is knowing the possibility of how things could have been that hurts the most.

For most part though, I feel nothing.

I actually, really, entirely felt nothing. Sure, I was anxious. And when the emails came I felt cells in my body stop moving. When I read the contents I feel a frown tug at the edge of my mouth and a silent sigh from within me. But I really didn't feel anything. The last one triggered this post, and that's all.

Am I supposed to feel alarmed that I don't? Should I be upset at my "numbness"? Because to feel nothing means that I have no determination to improve or no drive to work hard to be actually good at one damn thing, right?

Or should I seek comfort in that fact that each rejection is a blessing in disguise for me to stagger my work and give more quality stuff for the things I already have on my plate. To stop being so ambitious because clearly I am not a brilliant student, but an average Joe. To move on, since all I am doing is trapping myself in a bubble of doubt and despair.

Because rejection sends us on a pathway to destroy our self-esteem. It has definitely dug out my inadequacies and stuffed all my flaws in my face. I am sorry, for not being good enough. So, I will only work harder. As I always have.

As I always have. As I always have.

I know I will need to evaluate myself and be even more hardworking. It's just that it is a little difficult to do that when all your dreams (or, short-term goals) have been mashed into a pulp. It makes me wonder what can I even do without messing up in the future.

October is Octover

Counting down to the last 2 months of the year already.

I think there's no saying more cliched than "time flies". While you know it's true, the reality of things still hit you hard when it really rolls over.

At this instant, I'm kind of chilling-out after spending the whole day re-engineering our GPP. OP is finishing in four days? SATs in six? I think I'll spend the next few days doing a lot of tests and speaking and painting and churning up more words for Q&A. Oh, the multi-disciplinary person PW makes me.

Seniors are also beginning their big As tomorrow. How would I fare if I were them? Hmm, let's see. About 50% of content is covered this year, and I still didn't manage to get everything under my fingertips. How about learning the other 50% in half the time and twice the business and yet be expected to know the whole syllabus from head to toe? Sounds very manageable!! SH choir whatsapp chat is ringing with messages first encouraging ones and now talking about how they should sleep now, but can't. If I were them my anxiety would be through the roof. If I were them I would probably not give two shits and just go to sleep. If I were them I would get a nightmare about how I flip open that dastardly paper from Cambridge and realise I can't do a single question (if I do fall asleep, that is). If I were them I would think of this as the last GP paper in my life and enjoy writing it.

If I were them how would I feel? This standardized paper that everyone has talked about since forever, suddenly so real and right in front of my eyes.

Oh well, only one way to find out.