Death.
Death is confusing, death is simple. Death is selfless, death is selfish. Death can be longed for, death can be unexpected. Death is never just about the dead.
Loss and sadness are feelings innate in all of us. Today I write this post in tribute of my friend's family who left us too soon.
When I first heard the news, I gasped and stared at my phone for a long time. It was in the middle of a carolling day. My smiles for the rest of the day did not feel right. The words I sang were empty.
My mother is my best friend. I told her immediately. That night, we sat at the dining table and talked. I told my mother honestly that if she, my father and my brother left me, I will wish that I died during the incident too. It is not because I would not be brave enough to face everything alone. I think I will be void of purpose in life since family is my purpose.
My mother looked at me earnestly and said, "It will always be the wish of the family who left for their child to be strong."
We had an honest conversation. She candidly said that children tend to be able to carry on with their lives even though their parents have died, while parents who lose their children often lose their will to live. Parents* have stronger emotional ties to their children than their children have to them.
After thinking through, I told her I might be able to carry on without them. I like to think I have a good relationship with each of my parents, though not perfect, we do have good conversations, hang out, laugh, spend an ok amount of time together, and I can say for sure that I am damn proud of them and their story. Regret is a big thing which I think will gnaw at your heart if any of your loved one(s) leave. So I said I think I showed my parents I loved them in this lifetime. I will only regret for my brother. Our relationship is still unstable, he drives me to my edge all the time, and yet I remain guilty for all the times in the past when all he wanted was me to notice/love/hug him back but I would be so annoyed. Now he is just a bratty teenager who hates going out with us.
Dear God, if I have one prayer this Christmas is that you will save my relationship with my brother before it is too late. I love him so much. I hope you will let him know that. I hope you will let me see his love for me too.
God, let my friends who have strained relationships with their family find peace and harmony. Give them guidance to treat their family better. Let them at least have no regrets when they find meaning in the words "life is fleeting".
And God, give her strength to find your wisdom in this trying time. Let her know that I will love her always.
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Adventures
It has been a good seven months since I made my way onto this blog space. I told myself to update about my own milestones here but I guess it must be my innate lack of self-discipline, or immense laziness, or tendency to get distracted by everything I can access on my devices (thanks Facebook, YouTube, myasiantv, freemovies, spotify, reddit, Instagram), or my lack of self-discipline, wait did I mention how I might not have discipline?
So shall I begin picking up the scraps of my life by writing about a latest adventure? :)
Recently I went on a impromptu cycling trip to Pulau Ubin with Gwyneth! I have always wanted to make a return trip to Ubin ever since OBS days there. In other words, I waited 4 years for this?
In these few months, I am really glad to get to know Gwyneth (or Gwen) better as a person. It is a great privilege to get to know schoolmates after school, because we hardly come across schoolmates unless one makes an effort to do so (which, technically, also meant that the relationship was more than an acquaintanceship to start with) Thank you Gwen, for not ending up as a face I merely passed by in school. There is nobody else I rather have winged this trip with.
Ubin is a beautiful place. During OBS, we start and end our trip at their designated ports, and there is an allocated space on the island for the campus. This time, we experienced it from a public point of view - boarding at the Changi Ferry Terminal and visiting the main village on the island. Making my way to the ferry point was easy as we have been to the vincinity many times for choir chalet. Brings back really fond memories of those days when we played cards or cycled into the night and played lots of station games and had BBQs which may or may not have failed sometimes. Now that most of our social activities have evolved to become merrymaking around a beer, or clubbing with booze, I realised that our concept of fun is indeed more simple in the past, where our innocence enables us to find ways to occupy our time anyway. Adulthood complicates things. So don't rush into growing up, don't ever feel that things are cooler on the other side. Take your time to come here because once you're here you won't be able to want out.
The main village is a tranquil place, as it is not that bustling during a weekday. I really like the kampung vibes that was present in the place. Shopkeepers are sitting around, bicycle vendors trying hard to earn the business of the only two girls who look like they came on a cycling mission. After getting our bikes, we were ready to go!
Ubin was actually not as big as any of us remembered/imagined. Honestly, you reach places after barely 10 minutes of cycling. I told Gwen that the place I really set out for was this quarry that my OBS watch went during our land expedition. I remember that we were all sorts of shag from carrying those heavy ass bags, that when we saw some groups had the chance to jump into the crisp clear waters of the quarry, we were so envious. Nonetheless, we had the chance to trek up the hill and reach the highest point of ubin where we were greeted with great views (if you scrolled to my long-ago post about OBS, I wrote about what we did at the peak.... Hahaha... my God!)
Until I realised there are like a hundred over quarries on Ubin itself. OK, it's an exaggeration, but I really no idea which elusive quarry it is that remained on its pedestal in my memories??? THAT WAS UPSETTING.
We first cycled to the west part of the island. We eventually reached some Mountain Biking Trail space, which bore some really pretentious marking points like "Diamond Trail", "Double Black Platinum sounds-difficult Trail" or whatever, and we thought ok, why not give it a shot.
Then we realised that it is literally just one barren path in the middle of a grass patch (which I am really inclined to describe it as a vast field), and the path was literally the width of a bicycle wheel. Clearly, as we struggled to even ride in a straight line on a slight incline, this path was not meant for biking noobs like us.
To add fuel to the fire, we were attacked by ants the moment we got off our bikes to push it instead. Somehow despite the fact that people wore shoes, these pesky things can find their way in and be sandwiched between the socks and the shoes or they go straight for the kill at the ankles.
We had lots of fun at this area of Ubin - we walked around this bike stunting park and visited the German Girl Shrine. We also walked past many OBS groups and they look so tired and sad :( I hoped they will have a long sleep come the last day of their camp and carry away the fonder memories like we did. As we left the quarry, there was a downward slope and a left turn at the end of the slope. And let's just say I fucked up my biking real bad. My bike sped down that slope and I mean I tried to turn and maybe I was kinda a pussy at the same time and also already realised I am going to lose control and die and somewhat accepted my imminent death.........? as I crashed into the bushes in front of me and got flung into the muddy swamps.
Surprisingly, I was really calm during the whole speeding and crashing thing, partly because I reached a state of nirvana, but also because that was way too similar a moment previously where I got flung from my bike but fell on concrete floor instead (and then attended law camp with a very colourful left eye, guess that is another story for another time.) I recalled all those times when my mother would nag that my motor skills suck balls as she applied copious amounts of Zam Bak onto my aforementioned left eye. So I am pretty sure that circa noon time on a cloudy wednesday, my mother felt a drop in her heart which could very well be the disappointment of a very uncoordinated daughter right there. Gwyneth's first reaction was to laugh as she shouted "OMG XY??" and rushed to get me out of the mud. Ok, I admit that I felt ashamed to have crashed into a bush. But on the bright side, falling into mud meant that I was hardly injured, just utterly messy. Thank God I had water and wet tissues to clean myself... and the mud makes your skin feel smoother, can confirm.
On our way back we passed by Puaka Hill and decided to give it a climb upwards. And if you happen to look for a certain memory of a summit where you get to view SG, Malaysia and a Ubin quarry from the same viewpoint, then yes, this is the very hill which you may have climbed years ago as a jaded camper. I was a happy girl :) we stayed at the top for a while and just admired the blue of the quarry and crawled over the fence (mostly we just chickened out and climbed back really quickly).
We next proceeded along to Chek Jawa wetlands which is on the east side of the island. On our way there we stopped at the orchard and caught a wild boar lurking in the distance, which was really cute. While we were there, we mused how barely anytime ago, the entire Singapore was just the forested landscape we saw before us. It was a sharp contrast from the planned roads, colourful HDBs and urban environments we see today. I had a wave of newfound appreciation for our remarkable standards of development.
The next leg of our route was though a canopy and Gwen cycled ahead of me (I wonder why lol) when out of a sudden a small cutie boar ran across the path in front of her. We were far from hitting it, but it was still a surprise that made us both slow down. As we did, I noticed that there was a huge boar that was lurking beside a tree about ten meters ahead of us. Believe me, it was HUGE. Like it-can-eat-both-of-us-alive kind of huge.
And then it turned its head, slowly, to look at us.
You know how if you meet a near-death experience once, it puts things into perspective on whether you can expect yourself to live through another situation? Well whatever, because what the hell?? A boar?? We didn't dare to move at all because the fear is real. And I told Gwen that in the grand scheme of things, giving Chek Jawa a miss is worth it if it means we make it out of Ubin alive. She said we should just cycle quickly across, I replied that it might just trigger the boar to charge after us and then we die for sure lmao. Tension hung thick in the air as we stared the large boar who only stood rooted, while still looking at us. Perhaps, I somewhat believed in the goodwill of the boar and thought it should likely be harmless, as I started to wheel the bike towards it. We eventually pushed our bike slowly past the boar, as it began to walk away. It... didn't even give us a second glance. I'm so sorry for the false impression, ubin wild boar :"( I am obviously not a child of nature.
Chek Jawa was so amazing. We sat down on these rocks by the shore and looked at the tekong in the distance, and admired the views on the broadwalk. We peered at the fishes which climbed up the mangrove roots, and tried to spot crabs poking in and out of its small tunnels. Even though we didn't catch a low tide, we didn't meet anyone else at all during the weekday evening. Having the place to ourselves was a serene experience. My favourite was climbing up the wooden tower structure to oversee the entire shoreline, and catch an occasional plane or two landing in the distance.
We made our way back and we were so friggin tired we just said screw it and just disembarked and pushed our bicycles up the slopes. Since we haven't had lunch, we had an early dinner at Changi V and I also caved into temptation and bought an Oreo Shake which reminded me so much! of! primary! school! bubbletea! shop!! At night, Gwen followed me one round around Daiso as I picked out some things I needed for my impending move into my dorm as she took note of what she wanted to buy. It was a fulfilling day and my heart is full. Ubin, I hope you remain a place untouched by modernity. There is beauty and there is purpose to preserve such a place alongside the city that is our country.
When I was 15, I ever realised that the calendar year will be swiftly coming to an end when Julyhits. It's true, more than half the year has passed. Soon it will be the National Day of Patriotism, exams, more exams, cold weather, that annual intense rainstorm day in November, and Christmas trees all over Orchard Road. A new year begins.
Suddenly I feel like I don't have control over much time at all.
Suddenly I feel like I don't have control over much time at all.
Perhaps, now that I have finally blown off the dust that is on my Blogger dashboard, I will try my best to make a mega update of sorts, with my thoughts on post A levels, working, uni applications, travelling, and what-not. Now I'm hit by pangs of sadness again, every time I realise I have a checklist of things I want to blog about, I regret not writing about them when events are still fresh in my head! Sigh. Sometimes I think I have a avenues for people I'm close to like my instagram and blog but I somehow never get down to posting my bigger milestones on them.
So shall I begin picking up the scraps of my life by writing about a latest adventure? :)
Recently I went on a impromptu cycling trip to Pulau Ubin with Gwyneth! I have always wanted to make a return trip to Ubin ever since OBS days there. In other words, I waited 4 years for this?
In these few months, I am really glad to get to know Gwyneth (or Gwen) better as a person. It is a great privilege to get to know schoolmates after school, because we hardly come across schoolmates unless one makes an effort to do so (which, technically, also meant that the relationship was more than an acquaintanceship to start with) Thank you Gwen, for not ending up as a face I merely passed by in school. There is nobody else I rather have winged this trip with.
Ubin is a beautiful place. During OBS, we start and end our trip at their designated ports, and there is an allocated space on the island for the campus. This time, we experienced it from a public point of view - boarding at the Changi Ferry Terminal and visiting the main village on the island. Making my way to the ferry point was easy as we have been to the vincinity many times for choir chalet. Brings back really fond memories of those days when we played cards or cycled into the night and played lots of station games and had BBQs which may or may not have failed sometimes. Now that most of our social activities have evolved to become merrymaking around a beer, or clubbing with booze, I realised that our concept of fun is indeed more simple in the past, where our innocence enables us to find ways to occupy our time anyway. Adulthood complicates things. So don't rush into growing up, don't ever feel that things are cooler on the other side. Take your time to come here because once you're here you won't be able to want out.
The main village is a tranquil place, as it is not that bustling during a weekday. I really like the kampung vibes that was present in the place. Shopkeepers are sitting around, bicycle vendors trying hard to earn the business of the only two girls who look like they came on a cycling mission. After getting our bikes, we were ready to go!
Ubin was actually not as big as any of us remembered/imagined. Honestly, you reach places after barely 10 minutes of cycling. I told Gwen that the place I really set out for was this quarry that my OBS watch went during our land expedition. I remember that we were all sorts of shag from carrying those heavy ass bags, that when we saw some groups had the chance to jump into the crisp clear waters of the quarry, we were so envious. Nonetheless, we had the chance to trek up the hill and reach the highest point of ubin where we were greeted with great views (if you scrolled to my long-ago post about OBS, I wrote about what we did at the peak.... Hahaha... my God!)
Until I realised there are like a hundred over quarries on Ubin itself. OK, it's an exaggeration, but I really no idea which elusive quarry it is that remained on its pedestal in my memories??? THAT WAS UPSETTING.
We first cycled to the west part of the island. We eventually reached some Mountain Biking Trail space, which bore some really pretentious marking points like "Diamond Trail", "Double Black Platinum sounds-difficult Trail" or whatever, and we thought ok, why not give it a shot.
Then we realised that it is literally just one barren path in the middle of a grass patch (which I am really inclined to describe it as a vast field), and the path was literally the width of a bicycle wheel. Clearly, as we struggled to even ride in a straight line on a slight incline, this path was not meant for biking noobs like us.
To add fuel to the fire, we were attacked by ants the moment we got off our bikes to push it instead. Somehow despite the fact that people wore shoes, these pesky things can find their way in and be sandwiched between the socks and the shoes or they go straight for the kill at the ankles.
We had lots of fun at this area of Ubin - we walked around this bike stunting park and visited the German Girl Shrine. We also walked past many OBS groups and they look so tired and sad :( I hoped they will have a long sleep come the last day of their camp and carry away the fonder memories like we did. As we left the quarry, there was a downward slope and a left turn at the end of the slope. And let's just say I fucked up my biking real bad. My bike sped down that slope and I mean I tried to turn and maybe I was kinda a pussy at the same time and also already realised I am going to lose control and die and somewhat accepted my imminent death.........? as I crashed into the bushes in front of me and got flung into the muddy swamps.
Surprisingly, I was really calm during the whole speeding and crashing thing, partly because I reached a state of nirvana, but also because that was way too similar a moment previously where I got flung from my bike but fell on concrete floor instead (and then attended law camp with a very colourful left eye, guess that is another story for another time.) I recalled all those times when my mother would nag that my motor skills suck balls as she applied copious amounts of Zam Bak onto my aforementioned left eye. So I am pretty sure that circa noon time on a cloudy wednesday, my mother felt a drop in her heart which could very well be the disappointment of a very uncoordinated daughter right there. Gwyneth's first reaction was to laugh as she shouted "OMG XY??" and rushed to get me out of the mud. Ok, I admit that I felt ashamed to have crashed into a bush. But on the bright side, falling into mud meant that I was hardly injured, just utterly messy. Thank God I had water and wet tissues to clean myself... and the mud makes your skin feel smoother, can confirm.
On our way back we passed by Puaka Hill and decided to give it a climb upwards. And if you happen to look for a certain memory of a summit where you get to view SG, Malaysia and a Ubin quarry from the same viewpoint, then yes, this is the very hill which you may have climbed years ago as a jaded camper. I was a happy girl :) we stayed at the top for a while and just admired the blue of the quarry and crawled over the fence (mostly we just chickened out and climbed back really quickly).
We next proceeded along to Chek Jawa wetlands which is on the east side of the island. On our way there we stopped at the orchard and caught a wild boar lurking in the distance, which was really cute. While we were there, we mused how barely anytime ago, the entire Singapore was just the forested landscape we saw before us. It was a sharp contrast from the planned roads, colourful HDBs and urban environments we see today. I had a wave of newfound appreciation for our remarkable standards of development.
The next leg of our route was though a canopy and Gwen cycled ahead of me (I wonder why lol) when out of a sudden a small cutie boar ran across the path in front of her. We were far from hitting it, but it was still a surprise that made us both slow down. As we did, I noticed that there was a huge boar that was lurking beside a tree about ten meters ahead of us. Believe me, it was HUGE. Like it-can-eat-both-of-us-alive kind of huge.
And then it turned its head, slowly, to look at us.
You know how if you meet a near-death experience once, it puts things into perspective on whether you can expect yourself to live through another situation? Well whatever, because what the hell?? A boar?? We didn't dare to move at all because the fear is real. And I told Gwen that in the grand scheme of things, giving Chek Jawa a miss is worth it if it means we make it out of Ubin alive. She said we should just cycle quickly across, I replied that it might just trigger the boar to charge after us and then we die for sure lmao. Tension hung thick in the air as we stared the large boar who only stood rooted, while still looking at us. Perhaps, I somewhat believed in the goodwill of the boar and thought it should likely be harmless, as I started to wheel the bike towards it. We eventually pushed our bike slowly past the boar, as it began to walk away. It... didn't even give us a second glance. I'm so sorry for the false impression, ubin wild boar :"( I am obviously not a child of nature.
Chek Jawa was so amazing. We sat down on these rocks by the shore and looked at the tekong in the distance, and admired the views on the broadwalk. We peered at the fishes which climbed up the mangrove roots, and tried to spot crabs poking in and out of its small tunnels. Even though we didn't catch a low tide, we didn't meet anyone else at all during the weekday evening. Having the place to ourselves was a serene experience. My favourite was climbing up the wooden tower structure to oversee the entire shoreline, and catch an occasional plane or two landing in the distance.
We made our way back and we were so friggin tired we just said screw it and just disembarked and pushed our bicycles up the slopes. Since we haven't had lunch, we had an early dinner at Changi V and I also caved into temptation and bought an Oreo Shake which reminded me so much! of! primary! school! bubbletea! shop!! At night, Gwen followed me one round around Daiso as I picked out some things I needed for my impending move into my dorm as she took note of what she wanted to buy. It was a fulfilling day and my heart is full. Ubin, I hope you remain a place untouched by modernity. There is beauty and there is purpose to preserve such a place alongside the city that is our country.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
回家
It's been a long time but happier days are here again since the end of the fucking academic apocalypse A levels. When As ended, I made a comprehensive mental checklist which included "1. Sleep for 14 hours straight" and... that's about it, it was very comprehensive, okay. Except that my spirits got dragged through mud because I ended up failing the only thing on my list - First, I used my phone without giving a care till like 2am in the morning, only to wake up at 8.30am the next day. Au Naturel. I am not too sure if I feel pride or sadness that I managed to condition my body to do such a thing.
Somehow in the four days following the end of As, I managed to muster the energy needed to crawl out of my humble abode and make a new pair of spectacles for myself. I met Shanice at the spectacle shop because I value her fashion advice, and not because she happens to live nearby. We (together with a very friendly sales assistant who we later found out was a super nightlife person) actually spent more than an hour completing mission xy-needs-new-specs. So this is the story of how I became the owner of a pair of mainstream, hippy, wide-framed, tortoise-shell spectacles.
But I knew I had to get a pair of new specs anyway, because I wanted to look more presentable in my trip to China for a couple of weeks. It has been four years since I went back to visit my relatives, and I missed two weddings and one family road trip in the process, thanks but no thanks to the need to remain near school during most of the holidays.
Going to China will always have a special place in my heart. As a first generation Singaporean, I have spent my entire life and developed my own identity based on this little red dot. Despite the special circumstances where I speak (rapid) Chinese at home, and never ever add any Dodo fishcakes, cheese tofu or chicken cheese balls in my homemade steamboats (God forbid, we add entire bunches of parsley into our boiling soup;) I know that the equally interesting situations where I didnt get a distinction in my Higher Chinese Os or having never actually read/ memorised any legit Chinese novels are a testament to how I have grown up in a culture different from my parents. Still, I deeply treasure the ties I have with my relatives back home and I know that they will always dote on me as their granddaughter or niece.
There's something about China that whether I like to admit it or not, had grown onto me. I'm not very sure if it is the zinc roofing, buildings that could use a fresh coat of paint, or the 11-digit phone numbers that somehow look a little scary when it is printed out in big and bold. I remember when I was walking through the a estate in Choa Chu Kang of my cousin's newly bought home, when I casually remarked, "this place smells like China." Now, you may think that I caught a whiff of the Sembcorp truck, but I realised afterward it was because there were people smoking in the void deck. Somehow, the lingering smell of cigarette smoke in the air has been subconsciously wired to the thought of China in my head.
Just like how mantou has joined my family, my relatives have also taken in a number of furry kids into their home. They are so attached to their dogs that my aunt specially stays behind during CNY while the rest of the family return to our hometown just to accompany and feed them. Perhaps, taking care of animals seem to be a natural progression from the void of children who are all grown-up, married and all.
Having roots in an inland province mean that it is always customary for us to cover up to 1,000km by train. I remember I first went on this journey when I was six, the trains were powered by steam and it took a day and night to reach our destination. My brother was only two then, and how our parents contained two kids in a cramped train space, I will never know. Now, China has its own high-speed rail and the same journey is now shortened to just three hours, though the steam train is far from being phased out as it is still the most affordable form of commode for the majority of the working class, who most require travelling to the more developed provinces for economic opportunities.
In hunan, the temperature was much cooler and it almost became too much for my tropical skin to handle. There are certain things that are extremely comforting, and I guess they stem from an appreciation of warmth during the harshness of the cold. Back at home, my family has long stopped boiling water in a kettle, and has opted for a water dispenser which my parents argued is more cost-effective in the long term considering the cost of gas for the amount of water yielded per kettle. While this means convenience, I almost forgot how much better a cup of tea can taste when it is made from piping hot water with visible wisps of steam. And of course, albeit laden with lard, nothing beats the deliciousness of home-cooked food from my grandparents.
I went on this trip as a (growing, angsty?) teenager and I definitely carried with me the philosophies I have developed in the recent years. This is really the first time I visited my relatives as someone who is much more aware and with an understanding of people or the issues of the world. Where I used to view my family through rose-tinted glasses, I realised there is more to what meets the eye. There are very real family conflicts going on, which I was unaware of as I lived 4 hours away by plane (and also because "kids" ought not to "meddle in adult affairs",) there is history that's hard to swallow, and for the first time in my life I came face-to-face with the notion that my grandfather is going to die. Death is an inevitable end to every life. But it hit me harder than it should have when I thought of my own grandfather. I am selfish, I am human. There is a certain elusiveness to the feeling of having your mind and heart opened at the same time. For that, I know I love my family, and I will remember my relatives always - even if I do not see them every day.
I spent two weeks in China - where I visited relatives in the first week, and went to play in the second. My parents have departed for SG and left my brother and I to travel free-and-easy with my cousins. It is with great spontaneity that they decided to bring us to Guilin. The moment my cousin discussed that with me, I was shrieking because I shit you not. Guilin was an extensive example for karst landforms and given that I am a geography nerd, I can already hear the rolling limestone hills of Guilin calling out my name. I don't memorise thousands of words in a essay about your formation only to miss a chance to visit you, babe.
These pictures were taken on acommercialised tourist trap hill (象鼻山) in Guilin, where the stone steps were so steep I thought I might really loose a footing and die, also with the beautiful golden leaves in the last shreds of fall.
On the 3 hour boat ride to Yangshuo, where I saw conical hills in the vast horizon. They are exactly what I envisioned them to be. The geog nerd in me sighed in satisfaction and plunged off the boat into the Lijiang river. I know it did. Mother nature is amazing.
Ultimately, this post is very summarised piece on what went on in China, and it does not do justice to the enormity of the emotions I felt and lessons I gleaned. Some bits are precious and I will have to keep it within me. I know, that in choosing to visit China, a part of me has changed forever. And I can't wait to uncover the gems of this great place, of my roots and my multi-culture upbringing, in the remaining years of my life.
x
Somehow in the four days following the end of As, I managed to muster the energy needed to crawl out of my humble abode and make a new pair of spectacles for myself. I met Shanice at the spectacle shop because I value her fashion advice, and not because she happens to live nearby. We (together with a very friendly sales assistant who we later found out was a super nightlife person) actually spent more than an hour completing mission xy-needs-new-specs. So this is the story of how I became the owner of a pair of mainstream, hippy, wide-framed, tortoise-shell spectacles.
But I knew I had to get a pair of new specs anyway, because I wanted to look more presentable in my trip to China for a couple of weeks. It has been four years since I went back to visit my relatives, and I missed two weddings and one family road trip in the process, thanks but no thanks to the need to remain near school during most of the holidays.
Going to China will always have a special place in my heart. As a first generation Singaporean, I have spent my entire life and developed my own identity based on this little red dot. Despite the special circumstances where I speak (rapid) Chinese at home, and never ever add any Dodo fishcakes, cheese tofu or chicken cheese balls in my homemade steamboats (God forbid, we add entire bunches of parsley into our boiling soup;) I know that the equally interesting situations where I didnt get a distinction in my Higher Chinese Os or having never actually read/ memorised any legit Chinese novels are a testament to how I have grown up in a culture different from my parents. Still, I deeply treasure the ties I have with my relatives back home and I know that they will always dote on me as their granddaughter or niece.
There's something about China that whether I like to admit it or not, had grown onto me. I'm not very sure if it is the zinc roofing, buildings that could use a fresh coat of paint, or the 11-digit phone numbers that somehow look a little scary when it is printed out in big and bold. I remember when I was walking through the a estate in Choa Chu Kang of my cousin's newly bought home, when I casually remarked, "this place smells like China." Now, you may think that I caught a whiff of the Sembcorp truck, but I realised afterward it was because there were people smoking in the void deck. Somehow, the lingering smell of cigarette smoke in the air has been subconsciously wired to the thought of China in my head.
Just like how mantou has joined my family, my relatives have also taken in a number of furry kids into their home. They are so attached to their dogs that my aunt specially stays behind during CNY while the rest of the family return to our hometown just to accompany and feed them. Perhaps, taking care of animals seem to be a natural progression from the void of children who are all grown-up, married and all.
In hunan, the temperature was much cooler and it almost became too much for my tropical skin to handle. There are certain things that are extremely comforting, and I guess they stem from an appreciation of warmth during the harshness of the cold. Back at home, my family has long stopped boiling water in a kettle, and has opted for a water dispenser which my parents argued is more cost-effective in the long term considering the cost of gas for the amount of water yielded per kettle. While this means convenience, I almost forgot how much better a cup of tea can taste when it is made from piping hot water with visible wisps of steam. And of course, albeit laden with lard, nothing beats the deliciousness of home-cooked food from my grandparents.
I went on this trip as a (growing, angsty?) teenager and I definitely carried with me the philosophies I have developed in the recent years. This is really the first time I visited my relatives as someone who is much more aware and with an understanding of people or the issues of the world. Where I used to view my family through rose-tinted glasses, I realised there is more to what meets the eye. There are very real family conflicts going on, which I was unaware of as I lived 4 hours away by plane (and also because "kids" ought not to "meddle in adult affairs",) there is history that's hard to swallow, and for the first time in my life I came face-to-face with the notion that my grandfather is going to die. Death is an inevitable end to every life. But it hit me harder than it should have when I thought of my own grandfather. I am selfish, I am human. There is a certain elusiveness to the feeling of having your mind and heart opened at the same time. For that, I know I love my family, and I will remember my relatives always - even if I do not see them every day.
I spent two weeks in China - where I visited relatives in the first week, and went to play in the second. My parents have departed for SG and left my brother and I to travel free-and-easy with my cousins. It is with great spontaneity that they decided to bring us to Guilin. The moment my cousin discussed that with me, I was shrieking because I shit you not. Guilin was an extensive example for karst landforms and given that I am a geography nerd, I can already hear the rolling limestone hills of Guilin calling out my name. I don't memorise thousands of words in a essay about your formation only to miss a chance to visit you, babe.
These pictures were taken on a
On the 3 hour boat ride to Yangshuo, where I saw conical hills in the vast horizon. They are exactly what I envisioned them to be. The geog nerd in me sighed in satisfaction and plunged off the boat into the Lijiang river. I know it did. Mother nature is amazing.
Ultimately, this post is very summarised piece on what went on in China, and it does not do justice to the enormity of the emotions I felt and lessons I gleaned. Some bits are precious and I will have to keep it within me. I know, that in choosing to visit China, a part of me has changed forever. And I can't wait to uncover the gems of this great place, of my roots and my multi-culture upbringing, in the remaining years of my life.
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