This isn't a post looking for pity and sympathy. For most part, I have long given up on searching for "that best friend" and just try my best to maintain a few. I willingly do things alone, and I am more than okay with it.
What pushed me past my breaking point to lash out on virtual space is really none other than people who have the same blood pulsing through their veins as me.
I am usually very composed and I take shit really well. But in the recent year I think I am losing myself. I am so afraid, because I am losing grab of my emotions. And I am so used of having full control of how I feel. I tell myself I am a tough girl but it gets difficult in recent times. I catch myself shaking and having urges to punch items or pick up the things nearest to me and throw it with all the energy I can muster. I catch myself wanting to crudely point all my middle fingers (sadly, only have two.) I used to adopt the "talk politely and logically to people who talk shit to you" approach but nowadays it is almost an reflex that I raise my voice when I talk.
Numerous times I have teared this year because I realised no one in this family understands my intent and what I want to express.
There is nobody I can talk this to. And no, not a counselor. I don't believe in this whole counselor thing. Listen to this: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I am not stressed. Contrary to that I actually no longer give a shit about the rights I have at home. I try my best at school. No, I don't intend to self-harm/ starve myself/ join a gang/ smoke/ play truancy. So, I don't need a counselor. What I need is someone to listen. No, I don't even ask for that much. I just need somewhere kind enough to take in my angst and bury it.
Confession: I sometimes stay in school till as late as I can because it means lesser time spent idling at home. I avoid the probabilities altogether. It's sick, but at least I'm not avoiding bedtime.
