Thoughts on no. 10 Tanjong Rhu Road

I was 11 when I first realised the onus was on me to aim for a secondary school I wanted. Honestly, as an 11-year-old then, there were only two things I looked forward to after school - doing math assessment (because there is satisfaction from getting many correct answers in primary school math questions) and playing Audition online. Obviously, I was not a primary school kid with foresight or ambition, neither was I brimming with the kind of potential one would expect of a prospective Dunman High student.

My parents were not familiar with the local school system, though they knew some brand names here and there, they were understanding and supportive and never pressured me into anything (except, well, to do my best.) Therefore in a very unlikely situation not experienced by most of my peers, my biggest source of influence then turned out to be my tuition teacher. My teacher is a kind and patient man who taught me since primary 3. As I sought for his advice, he told me earnestly to consider Dunman High as he believed in the school's emphasis on character development, and how he felt that it will provide a more condusive environment than the top schools that have a reputation for breeding elitism. I believe the focus here shouldn't be on slamming other schools - if so you're totally missing the point - he actually said that to a 12-year-old who never noticed throughout her primary school life that her spectacles were always too low on her nose ridge. Did I even understand half of what he said?

Nonetheless, I took his words seriously. Although I did consider a number of schools, his frequent mentioning of Dunman High kind of rubbed off on me, and piqued my interest on the school a lot. I dragged my mum to open house - we didn't even have D'Carn then, mind you. We were given a card with six grids which required us to reach six checkpoints while completing a school tour. I exchanged my stamped card for a dark green towel with the school crest embroidered on it. I visited the CCA booths in the hall and the seniors at the choir booth gave me two leaf-shaped cutouts of thin foam sheets, with my name written on it in fat marker. What did that have to do with choir? I remember how one of the seniors at the booth encouraged me to try out for an audition, and how the people manning the booth were so warm and welcoming. As compared to what we had in the following years, school was probably bare and unhappening on that open house day in 2010, but I was absolutely sold. Somehow, something about the campus and its people compelled my (simple) mind towards Dunman High.

Afterward, I would google the school on google maps and try to find it on street view (taking virtual tours was so the in thing then, and Mountbatten MRT station was still a concrete mess on the photo stitched together by the google car), or that I would flip to the school's page on the secondary school guide so many times I lose count. Little did I know that six years later, I will still be holding onto the towel and choir programme booklet received that day, together with the programme booklets from every year that followed, more towels from different orientations that I went through, as well as a lifetime of memories.

Sometimes I am still amazed by how I managed to get accepted into the school. I remember that day when I gingerly approached the Music Atrium for my audition, only to realise that I was supposed to prepare a choir piece beforehand (I found out from the girl before me who was holding her choir file and pacing up and down the aisle.) I remember as I entered that small music room and saw Mr Tay for the first time as he asked, "So what do you have for me today?" It would be somewhat inappropriate for me to say uh, whatever I remember form a song that I have not touched since I walked down the Victoria Concert Hall stage like four months ago, so instead I lamely blurted out "Let There Be Peace On Earth, I think..." Mr Tay's eyes would flash of familiarity as he muses, "Blimey! That's a classic and well-known piece."

I would pray so hard for the ground to swallow me up then. I totally could have went with the obscure Japanese piece instead. To be honest, if I have a chance to travel back in time and listen to my singing, I am very sure that I might have single-handedly destroyed any peace left on Mother Earth. Thank God Mr Tay decided that an exorcism of the music room could wait, as he went on with the aural tests. When I was released, I remember walking out the Atrium with my mum thinking that that did not go well at all, and suddenly Mr Tay was running after me shouting, "Wait! What piano grade did you say you have again?" which I'm sure was a euphemistic expression for "did u say u learnt music b4 but still gave me dat kind of performance lolololers".

Sometime later, my parents will debate over whether or not to show me my acceptance letter which they have kindly intercepted. On results day, I was still very nervous, and it was eventually let known that I scored just slightly above the aggregate for that year. Even though my scores did not surpass the 260 mark, it was a cherry on top knowing that I made it not only with my skills and also my own academic effort.

Coming into DHS, the school gave me a lot of experiences which challenged me and made us all grow up from immature 12-year-olds to the young adults today.

Life was pretty good at the start. I was still that small, puny classmate and all my friends associated me with the word "cute" (totally in the physical and not characteristic sense.) Exams were manageable, and I got to know many of my classmates as time passed. We had a lot of stupid fun at the Kallang skating rink, watching movies on class outings, doing history homework on the bed, eating french fries dipped into vanilla cone at Kallang McDees. I do know that these are just innocent fun by naive youngsters who have barely grasped the complexities of priorities, expectations, and sense of purpose in our education. But I do believe that those days were worry-free for a reason, because only while we are young are we allowed to not give a damn without riding out the consequences.

Therefore, life was not a bed of roses for very long. I had my first "boyfriend". There, I said (wrote) it. I never told anyone. It's in inverted commas because I still think I was far too young to take this relationships thing seriously (not based on what I have thought of it to be as an 18-year-old, I suppose) and obviously I didn't think it was for real. I can't even remember how we actually got together. And the whole time we were together, we didn't even go out or what - we just always took 158, the whole length from school to the old Serangoon bus interchange. Honestly, I don't know why this part of my life exists. I don't think I could have withstood the pressure of "omg, she's dating a year 4?!"

Whether I like it or not, he (and the hurricane he carried) forced me to grow up from this point in time. Though it wasn't love, it was still something, and it was enough to make me feel guilty about doing all these behind my parents. I know I was really distracted by it, maybe I started caring more about my appearance, and I know I really screwed up my studies in the easiest leg of my school life. Top it all, there were some really nasty things going on in our relationship. His best friend burnt bridges with me for reasons beyond my comprehension, turns out he himself also kind of unloaded some emotional problems onto me when I said I wanted out - you know, it's probably a weird mess because I was simply just a year 1. Today, we are friends again. But I wonder how much of the past we have simply swept under the carpet, and I wonder if he knew he kinda changed my life forever.

By time year 2 rolled by, I experienced turbulent times again. I never realized how much emotional turmoil friendship problems can cause until it happened. Truthfully, those times were hard because I constantly questioned what was wrong with me, my values and my personality, and that... I trust her so much. I understand if the me then was simple-minded in her thoughts and immature in her actions. What I didn't was that I never had any malicious intent, neither have I talked about others' behind their back; yet the people I trusted the most turned against me, and people I did not expect became my strongest pillars. Whatever happened to me wasn't retributive, but somewhat intentional, and that hurt a lot.

I'd say that those times of turmoil were pivoting events which changed me. Fortunately, life allowed a smooth parting of ways as I channeled all my time and energy into grasping all the opportunities into making my school life worthwhile instead. Some people leaped on the chance when they were fresh students, but I started to pay more attention into academics and CCA only later. Given a chance to remake choices in my life, I don't think I would let life take its course any other way. Granted, it can allow me to erase bad memories. But I am glad that if I did spend my days in a blur, I spend those days in year 1 when everything was significantly less critical, for the misgivings I had early on had a subsequent impact on how I managed my decisions and pathways in later years. It allowed me to become a more conscious human being to my class, family and community.

It then became my personal belief to make sure that I will not leave school without any regrets. In many ways, year 3 and 4 were great years - I received the best set of results in my 6 years of school life, and I was very humbled to have been given opportunities to lead the CCA, to explore my interests, to try out (scarily) new experiences.

Those were times when I was challenged endlessly. Times in choir wasn't smooth and I had year ones who began to openly hate the CCA under our administration. Their offhand comments on hating to come for CCA sessions were daggers to my heart. It's hard not to but I always blamed myself for their receptiveness (/lack thereof) towards choir sessions. If I did my best and they still hated it, then it must mean that I haven't done good enough, right? I admit, I did let their lack of approval get to the better of me. It was too easy to blame them for being immature and childish, the real problem must be us, we are too strict, we are are reeking of unpleasantness, we are making everything repetitive and boring, we were too this, we were too that... right? I remember constantly being at the edge my seat waiting for their reaction toward choir activities, that for half of year four I never ate lunch before 1.45 pm Friday practices because I was too nervous about how practice will turn out, and partly because I wanted to change their (supposedly bad) image of their seniors by turning up the earliest and setting everything up before the rest arrived. I never realised what over-worrying did to me until I went through costume check that year and to my horror, found the gown I've always worn a size too big for me. I never realised, until my friends began to let me know how unhealthy my train of thought became. It took awhile, but we eventually found the resolve that we have today. Yes, some of them became good friends of mine later on. :)

Those were times of unbelievable tiredness. Especially when senior high came by, academics suddenly became so much tougher than we can expect. DESU grades were all but common, and the sciences became so tough for me to handle. I remember when I misjudged my time preparing for my first exams and in my race against time I really, truly, majestically pengsan-ed as I realised the teachers were not kidding when they said you cannot do last-minute cramming in SH. Then I somehow overdid preparations as I became so lethargic from pulling 12-14 hour mugging marathons. There was this day when I suffered a nosebleed in the middle of a Bio lecture and went to the toilet to wait it out except that, well, it kind of never stopped flowing. I remember Xin Min and I idling in the toilet as blood kept dripping out of my nose for an hour. Mr Low even waited it out with me at the sick bay as he took all the effort to kneel down in front of me so that he could conveniently pass me squares of tissue paper as I sat with my head bowed. (I laugh as I think of it, it was so awkward to have a teacher kneeling in front of you because that can't be acceptable in about twenty-five universes. He was so visibly nervous because he had never seen that much bloodied tissue in his life. Also he kindly informed me that I might be dying when I started to pass clots as big as the size of my thumb.)

Even in year 6, things did not get better, and might have taken a turn for the worst. Yeah I broke down in school. That day, I was even more aggravated by the fact that I could not be at ease with myself, because I felt like a hypocrite. For believing that results are not everything and hard work will pay off in the longer road, yet it seemed like I gave more than a damn to the superficial. I decided to resolve that not as times when I surrendered, rather it was just a lot of stress pent up from a long, long time. I thank the heavens that I met Mrs Bok who straight-up told me I was weak for easily caving in to my triggers, but in the most caring way, aptly told me that I should get out of school immediately, buy something I like to eat on the way home, and not touch anything related to A-levels for two days.

Those were years when I learnt more about myself. On one fine day when Ms Tham did voice training with the year three batch as the juniors had other school activities, she singled me out, told me that she has noticed my unsightly out-jutting chin for years and held my head in place. In that moment, it seemed like the planets aligned as I made sounds that even shocked myself. That was when I found my choir voice, and it is a personal moment that I will fold into a origami and tuck into the cavities of my heart forever. As a under-performer (methinks), it made me feel like three years of tough times in choir did not go to waste, and more importantly it translated into lessons of resilience and responsibility. I had the chance to perform at Esplanade Concert Hall, I went on a science trip to Taiwan where I skinned a whole lab rat, I went on tour with Choir where I carried the trust of Ms Tham and the choir for a solo line in cold, faraway night in Hong Kong. I found my interest in politics and current affairs as I started taking an interest in world history and news, and broke into the MUN circuit. I never thought highly of my curiosity in contemporary issues and debating skills until I accidentally did well in GP. In JH, I was always a mediocre student in my class of level-topping english literature students, so to have my language being regarded as "good" came as a shocker to me. Making me begin to think of studying law in the future - not even set in stone, but I'll try, and who knows?

Those years, I had the best memories. Going for SYF after failing my first auditions as a year 1. Going for SYF with SH Choir and beating all the odds against us by getting a distinction. (Honestly, I was more impressed we met the 6.30am meeting time.) Going for a geography competition where we sang choir songs, cut pieces of wood with a flimsy saw, make mini-trees, sing lion king to my dog and chomp down pizza as we realise we are screwed over time, rushed our work till almost midnight... and won 2nd placing. When school throws so much shit at you that you either become very creative or lazy in generating gift ideas that you come up with incredibly retarded ideas like a cabbage, a basket of apples, a large inflatable ball, gummy bears in milo dino, what. Lying in the middle of the field at 8.30pm when we all admitted defeat at the end of Prelims. Having a 10-people strong SH choir batch and 18-man choir who I know will have my back forever.

Time changes everything, even you and I have changed. Funnily enough, it was toward the end of my school life that past wounds began to surface and I faced the unfamiliar notion of forgiveness. Two very different characters who did things I could not fathom yet only time has taught me, neither did they. I was surprised to say the least, I realised that they too held onto the past, except that I always thought that they had forgot about me in their lives. I have long lived out the hurt, and I only wish that they would have moved on as well.

In recent times, the school has rolled out many changes, and I must admit that even I joined Team Skeptics. Decisions were seemingly profit-driven in nature, suggesting that corporate image and publicity were more important than values we used to hold dear. Two viral articles condemning what the decisions of the school. General dissatisfaction all around. Some decisions did impact me a lot as a student in that it drastically reduced my enjoyment in school events, some that were personally very important to me like my last choir concert in DHS. But let's be real, there was nothing we could have done to change the course of events. We are a stakeholder of the school but we are all but a stakeholder. Perhaps, if these string of events taught me anything, it would be that many things in life will go against how we planned it all out to be and we will never have a choice. It is up to us if we wanted to wallow in what could have been, or work around the constrains and make things as good as it could be.

Dunman High gave me many things. She gave me a lot of facilities that we were so blessed to have in our education. She gave us the best canteen vendors who were so friendly and sold the meanest 八毛 milo, salmon don and Ah Ma rice. Operations uncle who would use their keys to open the front gate so that you don't have to take the long way to the side gate. Printing shop aunties who efficiently photocopied so many things for us. Teachers who taught me more than their academic subjects. Choir who in summary convinced me that I will join a choir for as long as I can breathe. ISAC who gave me some of my most stressful event-management experiences that has stretched me immensely. Friends who I know I can count on to buy insurance from me when I call them out of the blue 30 years later. (Right? RIGHT?) People who constantly told me I am worthy when I felt that I was never good enough. People who believed in me, even when I did not believe in myself.

These are lessons that I will carry with me always. As we move on from this safe haven, I feel more uncertain than ever, but I feel stronger than ever too.

On October 14, I became an alumnus of Dunman High School. I must say, from a kiddy 11-year-old to an angsty, groning, difficult 18-year-old, I really found a home in 10 Tanjong Rhu Road.

Little forest

Hello world! So much has happened since I came on here. I last wrote here during the March holidays, and tomorrow marks the first day of October.

In retrospect, the past half a year was filled with laughter, fondness, lethargy, tears, and even I was not spared from the brutalities of time. In the past half a year so much has changed in my life, and I really meant to have updated my growth in this space but I have been busy (then, lazy during my free time). Some chapters of my life closed, emotions reached new extremes that I have never experienced, practical realities became more apparent, and my relationships with some of my friends, family and God were strengthened, while bridges were burnt in others. Now that I type it all out and lay it in front of my eyes, it seems like I have been through volumes in a short amount of time, except that I don't know if I did anything which made me deserving of any affirmation, actually.

I somewhat regret not coming to this space often enough to update each event as they have came and went in my life. You know, we as students have been warned time and again to keep up with our work or risk a "snowball effect" - I feel the same, in that I have a backlog of experiences that I have yet to draft. It is extremely regretful because the longer the time lapse in between the conclusion of these literary chapters in my life, the more details I will forget which I cannot capture in my words any longer. My biggest fear in life is to make the same mistake twice, because we already have so little time on earth, it should not be wasted on pretending one that one has not grown at all.

As I type this out, the countdown towards A Levels stand at a little less than 37 days. A year ago, 37 days to A Levels was unimaginable to me, and I imagined this period of time to be a time of nervousness and anxiety. If given the chance, I'll tell myself that it's anything but. I have come to the realization that the A Levels is actually boring. The aforementioned statement makes me sound snobbish, but I am not an academically-gifted genius at all. The syllabus are set, and we learn a content within boundaries, with the same kind of underlying concepts no matter how questions are twisted. My past self was scared because I have yet to learn enough (and get exposed enough via practices) but with time, paper after paper, and a pattern begins to surface. This means that we are prepared in the same way in the form of regular assessments. Three major exams in a year later, I have finally understood why my seniors were calm before their paper while I was scared shitless for them. Theoretically, it was because they got used to it after all that drilling. It taught them how to overcome the marathon-like nature of the exam schedule with the expected rigour so that they were the least bit nervous as possible. The only thing most people have to make sure, is that they do not run out of gas before the journey is completed.

Yet in reality, like many things in life, the cause-and-effect of things are multi-faceted. It is easy to conclude that no one is having a full-on meltdown at this instant because we, tragically, got used to it, but as a student I felt that there is much more to that. The recent conclusion of the Preliminary examinations made me see exasperation, fear and cynicism as common sentiment from the ground. Yes, some of the papers were completely messed up, but I really fear for the future of us as a human race the way some people are letting the way these exams turned out to take over their lives. Most teachers have reassured the batch that prelims are a time to see marked improvement, so a difficult paper went contrary to the hope that that particular advice gave to some people, and as a result some gave up. Some also saw this as the last opportunity to get things right before the final national battle, so poor results here is as if a destiny scroll reflecting the actual, for real, exams. People get used to the grinding and grueling nature of preparing for a high-stake exam, among those who struggle some find that they have no choice but to just walk into it and out, and I pray that such a time is not marred by emotional turmoil.

My last paper during prelims was Biology paper 1. As the paper was collected, all I felt was cold, and maybe a small urge to pee. But one of the teachers stood in the path between me, my three weeks of sleep debt and the door as he whipped out the mike upon the formal conclusion of the paper, and said: "Ok, I want you all to take a minute to reflect on the whole prelim experience." Wow. Head desk. Incessant teenager grumbles and scornful laughter. (This was followed by a demand for five students, one from each class, to share their thoughts. I am shook.) Though the experience was initially faced by classic teenage skepticism, in hindsight, I do realise why there was a need to treat that exercise seriously. The whole sharing processes showcased pretty real (but somewhat nonsensical) reflections like "I learnt that it is extremely important to check for the start time of your papers" or "It is beneficial to relieve yourself in the toilet before the paper begins", it was symbolic to be asked that question on the last day of our prelim exams. I admit, even my first thought was also that I deserved a break for at least a day. But this isn't just any post-exams break - it was actually a final launching pad to the real deal just 30 over days later, and honestly, I felt that the teachers have every right to be a cockblock by reminding us that we should not become too relaxed over this break. Instead, rest a little to get the relevant recharge, and we really ought not to lose our studying momentum or stamina in this crucial period.

In the time that freed up over the past few days, I scrolled though my past posts and found that many of my posts in JC were all about academics. Having almost experienced the two years for myself, with graduation rolling by only in two weeks, I have realised that yes, academics will and always be a cornerstone of JC, but that is purely because we are here to get an education. Day by day, we are exposed to the rigour of higher education, and the demands of life beyond school as a contributing member of society. Personally, I felt that it was up to us and our beliefs in order to find other indicators of self-worth in our time at school, which is why areas outside of studying hold varying extents of value to different individuals. There are accusations of hypocrisy at times: look at all these leaders saying that academics isn't the only thing which defines us, when every aspect of our society reflects a strong emphasis on academics. This debate on the priorities of our society will go on for as long as time will allow. The truth is, there will be an emphasis on academics, and I work hard as hell because I believe that the grades I attain will be a reflection of my efforts, and a reassurance to the rest of Singapore who invest in us that we will not waste any opportunities that we embark on. At the same time, the academics ought not to be anything more than a stepping stone. We are 18 and we actually no longer have any more guarantees in our life. Academic success, therefore, is no way a guarantee for relative success in our long lives.

I cannot emphasize further the importance of self-validation, as I have told some of my friends repeatedly. What we get out of our experiences is really how we perceive it. Firstly, the mindset that we are limitless, and even the most daunting of things (i.e. the societal emphasis on grades) can be overcome despite our shortcomings (i.e. my non-genius self). That must then be followed up with an conscious effort to keep up with that state of mind, and by that I mean work really hard. Let's be realistic, good things do not fall from the sky, and it will be difficult to get what we want because so many others will want it as well. What people then forget next is, we have goals and we work so hard toward it, but we do not (read: will never) have a smooth journey. There will be bumps and there will be failures deviating from the ideal. Does that mean we stop completely? Laugh it off, give yourself some credit, and pack your bags to walk again. As one of my (and the also the world's) favorite authors J.K. Rowling said: "If you are scared of failure, then you have failed by default."

Which is why I am really hoping to have some time to document my journey in my CCAs, Choir and ISAC (I have a long, long story about both), and general times of vulnerability I have experienced in the most volatile year of my school life. However, as I have already established, it is a little over a month to A Levels and anxiety by people around me are a sky-high, and I do not have a lot of time after work. I value these experiences as much, so I will really make sure I have time to record it down by the time graduation rolls by.

 I am looking forward to life after the end of this looming national exams. Specifically, the eight (or more?) school-less months to discover oneself and get a glimpse of the world. I have a list of things I want to experience, and I am so excited for life beyond school. Not because it will be easier (frankly, it will only go uphill from here), but because it is infinitely more interesting, and that will be enough.

Of course, complementary title

Update: TERM 1 IS OVER!

Ten weeks. Actually, ten weeks passed quickly. At this moment, I am left with 11 days to study for the upcoming March Common Tests and frankly, I think I am seasoned enough a student now to conclude, with pretty enough confidence, that I will not have enough time to complete studying (thereby a high possibility of not performing well, and...)

As I still struggle to complete my revision for geography (which I have started early, but I am still only down with population and not lithosphere... what kind of bottomless pit is this?!), I hope to share some experiences and insights, which are quite a mouthful for a short term.


Of learning

I recall somewhere in my memory that I've had this feeling before. I think it was some time in year four, when I thought that it was really cool how we learn about plants in primary school science, and then learn the exact mechanisms four years later. Plant and mouse trapped in a box turned limewater chalky? Chemistry. What happens in that leaf? Biology.

But this, I believe, is enlightenment on a different level altogether. We are currently covering the topic of evolution in Biology lecture, which is pretty cool because I believe it is the least technical of all topics covered in the (largely molecular) Biology syllabus. Also, not to mention how a big part of the world actually do not validate evolution and supports creationism in lieu of it. Interesting, isn't it? All other topics are backed with scientific conventions, and then one philosophical topic verging on science and faith.

Anyhow, as we were watched a video on the life and works of Charles Darwin, there was a part of the video which listed books Darwin read on his journeys, leading to his eventual deduction of evolution theories based on his observations on the Galapagos Islands. Those were books on geology and the Malthusian theory of population. Hold up - theories we have learnt on not one but two geography disciplines?! At that moment the geography students in my class were all looking around with a knowing look on our faces. It is indeed some of the best feelings in the world when you see things begin to link up: rocks and their landforms, continental drift forming our livable environment, unchecked population leading to eventual annihilation when we run out of food, oh and then the green and gene technology happens...  It makes you feel the joy of learning all over again, and I think I really value this spirit of curiosity, of learning and growth.


Of accepting changes

This isn't a reference to people passing on, but a more metaphorical meaning of people who leave.

Early this year, I was apprehensive, or should I say worried, about the state of the Senior High Choir. I know that our membership isn't good and is a small indication of difficult futures, but I know that the present is what matters, and so I decided that this year will be as good as it can be for a choir less than 20 in strength. It will be difficult, but if the choirs I grew up with every taught me anything, it will be that nothing ever looks too daunting. However, I will admit that I was so stressed out even before the second practice of the year concluded. I have a junior, who is an amazing singer, the happiest soul on earth and above all my a good friend, who decided that she could not stay on anymore, that she had to go.

I have never, and do not intend to throw shade at her decision, which I understand is a rational inference on how I would react given how I fiercely protect the choir with all my heart. However, what I felt was far from resentment or disappointment. I guess all I felt was simply sadness. I realized it was a defense mechanism when people who are precious to one leave without any sound explanation, so much so that it puzzled my mind and messed with my heart. First there was confusion as I could not figure out why what happened just happened, then it turned into accusation at self for not doing good enough in cushioning a heartbreak, before it became anxious concern as my friends saw this as an event which shook the choir, and made the light extending into the dark tunnel die out a little bit.

Through this episode, I have come to accept this reality and untie some knots. In life, many unexpected things happen, and truthfully, they will never make sense. Sometimes we are so obsessed over living out an ideal reality that we forget circumstances in life are static. Since change fumbles us and make us devise way to live a new life, life must be static, if not we will never learn and improve. So the lesson gleaned is this: people will leave. So let's grieve a little, accept it to our terms, and find ways to move on. We are never that person of that past - we have changed for a new better.

Because the person who leaves, no matter how long they are gone for, always wishes with the goodness of their heart that you will be alright despite their absence.


Of selflessness

To begin a choir journey of the year with shaky events is never the plan of any leader, but it happened, and we worked with what we have left.

I remember that practice. It was extremely saddening, and many cried. I thought there were tears because it felt like when my junior left, she took a piece of the choir away. I immediately found solace in the truth of that statement, and we reiterated that to the whole choir afterward, that each one of them carried that kind of impact within them, and that was how much we depended on each other.

I understand that it was probably unfathomable (and borderline creepy) to some of the new choristers who joined, but what was amazing was how everyone seemed to think on the same wavelength and tried their best to assimilate them into our culture and our art. I was touched by their efforts to take in as much of this insane crash course as possible - I grew over years, I know it will be shocking to make that growth in a condensed time frame. I was humbled by the rest of their choir, we helped to guide them with any knowledge that they have. This was a season of turbulence but it was also a season of selfless love, of people with extended arms, who are determined to make best of seemingly bad times.

And I knew then that we were destined for great things. Granted, some doors are closed, and we will have to struggle. But it was more endearing to learn that we never struggle alone. No music is complete unless we all sing together at the right tune, pitch, tone, rhythm. I am just so glad that we were, actually, still a bunch of weird-ass kids, who happened to not be tone-deaf.

I love you all so damn much.

Almost losing my heart

I told myself that I probably should stop coming here, 'cuz you know, the impending A levels and all. No biggie.

But I felt a pressing need to come up here just release some of the built up "stress" from the past 3 weeks of January.

In short, I went for my SATs for the second time yesterday, and this time obviously I prepared much more than I did for the last. Except that I got horribly lost in a land I was not familiar with moments right before the test. Damn, this isn't some philosophical lost about feeling like you  don't belong and struggling with a sense of purpose among a sea of unfamiliar faces or whatever, in fact I was put quite simply, literally, just lost.

The girl who thought she had an affinity with maps lost her way in the north-eastern part of little Singapore.

I have never been to that area before, relied a lot on apps to navigate around busses and stuff but when I alighted I just had no idea where I was. Google maps told me I was quite far from the supposed destination. I definitely needed to walk more than 192m, just that I only had 10 minutes before I believe I can seriously be barred from taking this exam my parents paid lots for. To say I felt panic was an understatement. I ran across roads, each time sighting available taxis only on the side of the road I'm not on. Every passer-by had no idea where the place was. Called a taxi, phone reception decided to give up. Out of desperation, I called my Mum and seriously, I don't ever call my mum for things out of distress because I could always solve it. But I've already wasted 20 minutes still lost in the middle of Yio Chu Kang Link, so I thought why not. Even though she was worried (like, hello, your daughter is panicking for the first time how can she not be) she still consoled me and told me it's alright, I won't miss the test, and in the middle of the call received another call from a taxi uncle who managed to arrange a pick-up with me. We zoomed to the school, and I manage to run with this school personnel to my room to discover that everyone only just started to write their names (not even at the circle shade-in and whatnots).

In short, I almost thought I was going to miss my test which I believe should be rather important, but I just made it and managed to not miss a single component of the 3 hours 45 minutes test. Oh, but what an experience. If I am going to be late for my A levels, come at me bro.

With this, I conclude one of my commitments for this year, and I hope it frees up my days just that little bit more.

School (for real)

5 January 2016

School started yesterday.

Have you ever wondered if you can get completely destroyed by school in one single day? Let me tell you how. Start last year of JC with your secondary school counterparts (i.e. way too early), with a chemistry test (read: impending doom) and top it off with Mass PE (this very intensive PE system in year 6 where they actually do legit exercises and long runs to train troops of child soldiers) as a garnish. It was a weird. But lethal. Combination.

But now that I survived that first day of school, I've come to realise that it was not that bad after all.

We started the day with an inauguration ceremony. It was nice to see a batch of students looking grown up in new uniforms. In fact, it was so flattering on them, we have inevitably come to the conclusion that some of them look more like 18-year-olds than we do... Why do we look like people who will not have problems getting student meals even after we celebrate our 24th birthday? (That's too lenient. How about - people who will get judged immensely and get our ID stared at when we buy hard liquor from Cheers?)

I remember being like them. Sitting among some familiar faces, and some faces that I can't believe I have never spoken to despite being on the same grounds for 4 years. A little bit excited, a little bit nervous, but not feeling so much different.  We laughed when common issues were tackled during the speech - opportunities, stress, falling asleep during lectures, failing your subjects, house spirit. Because a year later, we somewhat know what life from now on will really taste like. It will taste unpleasant during tough times. But fruits that we reap from this journey will somehow taste rather sweet.

Also, that test was no different. Yes, I read a question and went okay so where's the exit again but other questions were fine and there was time to go back, finish it, with even some time to spare. And when it's done you don't feel so much other than "yeah I did my best I guess." So I realised, that's how much of this year is going to be like. It going to be test after test, each one making you study progressively towards the big thing, so that when it comes it is hardly a surprise. Things become a routine, and you no longer sense fear.

No mention about being tired, though.

School has also been a constant reminder that this is our final year in school and if we want to end the year with our best attempt at the A levels, we have to start now. Every single teacher has said that so far. While it might have motivated me that little bit, I feel that I still, as always, am at a complete loss as to how I should feel.