Hello world! So much has happened since I came on here. I last wrote here during the March holidays, and tomorrow marks the first day of October.
In retrospect, the past half a year was filled with laughter, fondness, lethargy, tears, and even I was not spared from the brutalities of time. In the past half a year so much has changed in my life, and I really meant to have updated my growth in this space but I have been busy (then, lazy during my free time). Some chapters of my life closed, emotions reached new extremes that I have never experienced, practical realities became more apparent, and my relationships with some of my friends, family and God were strengthened, while bridges were burnt in others. Now that I type it all out and lay it in front of my eyes, it seems like I have been through volumes in a short amount of time, except that I don't know if I did anything which made me deserving of any affirmation, actually.
I somewhat regret not coming to this space often enough to update each event as they have came and went in my life. You know, we as students have been warned time and again to keep up with our work or risk a "snowball effect" - I feel the same, in that I have a backlog of experiences that I have yet to draft. It is extremely regretful because the longer the time lapse in between the conclusion of these literary chapters in my life, the more details I will forget which I cannot capture in my words any longer. My biggest fear in life is to make the same mistake twice, because we already have so little time on earth, it should not be wasted on pretending one that one has not grown at all.
As I type this out, the countdown towards A Levels stand at a little less than 37 days. A year ago, 37 days to A Levels was unimaginable to me, and I imagined this period of time to be a time of nervousness and anxiety. If given the chance, I'll tell myself that it's anything but. I have come to the realization that the A Levels is actually boring. The aforementioned statement makes me sound snobbish, but I am not an academically-gifted genius at all. The syllabus are set, and we learn a content within boundaries, with the same kind of underlying concepts no matter how questions are twisted. My past self was scared because I have yet to learn enough (and get exposed enough via practices) but with time, paper after paper, and a pattern begins to surface. This means that we are prepared in the same way in the form of regular assessments. Three major exams in a year later, I have finally understood why my seniors were calm before their paper while I was scared shitless for them. Theoretically, it was because they got used to it after all that drilling. It taught them how to overcome the marathon-like nature of the exam schedule with the expected rigour so that they were the least bit nervous as possible. The only thing most people have to make sure, is that they do not run out of gas before the journey is completed.
Yet in reality, like many things in life, the cause-and-effect of things are multi-faceted. It is easy to conclude that no one is having a full-on meltdown at this instant because we, tragically, got used to it, but as a student I felt that there is much more to that. The recent conclusion of the Preliminary examinations made me see exasperation, fear and cynicism as common sentiment from the ground. Yes, some of the papers were completely messed up, but I really fear for the future of us as a human race the way some people are letting the way these exams turned out to take over their lives. Most teachers have reassured the batch that prelims are a time to see marked improvement, so a difficult paper went contrary to the hope that that particular advice gave to some people, and as a result some gave up. Some also saw this as the last opportunity to get things right before the final national battle, so poor results here is as if a destiny scroll reflecting the actual, for real, exams. People get used to the grinding and grueling nature of preparing for a high-stake exam, among those who struggle some find that they have no choice but to just walk into it and out, and I pray that such a time is not marred by emotional turmoil.
My last paper during prelims was Biology paper 1. As the paper was collected, all I felt was cold, and maybe a small urge to pee. But one of the teachers stood in the path between me, my three weeks of sleep debt and the door as he whipped out the mike upon the formal conclusion of the paper, and said: "Ok, I want you all to take a minute to reflect on the whole prelim experience." Wow. Head desk. Incessant teenager grumbles and scornful laughter. (This was followed by a demand for five students, one from each class, to share their thoughts. I am shook.) Though the experience was initially faced by classic teenage skepticism, in hindsight, I do realise why there was a need to treat that exercise seriously. The whole sharing processes showcased pretty real (but somewhat nonsensical) reflections like "I learnt that it is extremely important to check for the start time of your papers" or "It is beneficial to relieve yourself in the toilet before the paper begins", it was symbolic to be asked that question on the last day of our prelim exams. I admit, even my first thought was also that I deserved a break for at least a day. But this isn't just any post-exams break - it was actually a final launching pad to the real deal just 30 over days later, and honestly, I felt that the teachers have every right to be a cockblock by reminding us that we should not become too relaxed over this break. Instead, rest a little to get the relevant recharge, and we really ought not to lose our studying momentum or stamina in this crucial period.
In the time that freed up over the past few days, I scrolled though my past posts and found that many of my posts in JC were all about academics. Having almost experienced the two years for myself, with graduation rolling by only in two weeks, I have realised that yes, academics will and always be a cornerstone of JC, but that is purely because we are here to get an education. Day by day, we are exposed to the rigour of higher education, and the demands of life beyond school as a contributing member of society. Personally, I felt that it was up to us and our beliefs in order to find other indicators of self-worth in our time at school, which is why areas outside of studying hold varying extents of value to different individuals. There are accusations of hypocrisy at times: look at all these leaders saying that academics isn't the only thing which defines us, when every aspect of our society reflects a strong emphasis on academics. This debate on the priorities of our society will go on for as long as time will allow. The truth is, there will be an emphasis on academics, and I work hard as hell because I believe that the grades I attain will be a reflection of my efforts, and a reassurance to the rest of Singapore who invest in us that we will not waste any opportunities that we embark on. At the same time, the academics ought not to be anything more than a stepping stone. We are 18 and we actually no longer have any more guarantees in our life. Academic success, therefore, is no way a guarantee for relative success in our long lives.
I cannot emphasize further the importance of self-validation, as I have told some of my friends repeatedly. What we get out of our experiences is really how we perceive it. Firstly, the mindset that we are limitless, and even the most daunting of things (i.e. the societal emphasis on grades) can be overcome despite our shortcomings (i.e. my non-genius self). That must then be followed up with an conscious effort to keep up with that state of mind, and by that I mean work really hard. Let's be realistic, good things do not fall from the sky, and it will be difficult to get what we want because so many others will want it as well. What people then forget next is, we have goals and we work so hard toward it, but we do not (read: will never) have a smooth journey. There will be bumps and there will be failures deviating from the ideal. Does that mean we stop completely? Laugh it off, give yourself some credit, and pack your bags to walk again. As one of my (and the also the world's) favorite authors J.K. Rowling said: "If you are scared of failure, then you have failed by default."
Which is why I am really hoping to have some time to document my journey in my CCAs, Choir and ISAC (I have a long, long story about both), and general times of vulnerability I have experienced in the most volatile year of my school life. However, as I have already established, it is a little over a month to A Levels and anxiety by people around me are a sky-high, and I do not have a lot of time after work. I value these experiences as much, so I will really make sure I have time to record it down by the time graduation rolls by.
I am looking forward to life after the end of this looming national exams. Specifically, the eight (or more?) school-less months to discover oneself and get a glimpse of the world. I have a list of things I want to experience, and I am so excited for life beyond school. Not because it will be easier (frankly, it will only go uphill from here), but because it is infinitely more interesting, and that will be enough.
