Going crazy as I live in this stupid place of a hellhole. I often say that my family is of utmost importance to me and that I cherish them a lot, I really do, but I am nothing in their eyes as compared to what they are in my eyes. Ha, funny how this is reflective of all my friendships. I say "all" without blinking an eye. It's true, I don't have a best friend, though I do hold some people close to me, I know they all chase for other priorities in their lives.

This isn't a post looking for pity and sympathy. For most part, I have long given up on searching for "that best friend" and just try my best to maintain a few. I willingly do things alone, and I am more than okay with it. 

What pushed me past my breaking point to lash out on virtual space is really none other than people who have the same blood pulsing through their veins as me. 

I am usually very composed and I take shit really well. But in the recent year I think I am losing myself. I am so afraid, because I am losing grab of my emotions. And I am so used of having full control of how I feel. I tell myself I am a tough girl but it gets difficult in recent times. I catch myself shaking and having urges to punch items or pick up the things nearest to me and throw it with all the energy I can muster. I catch myself wanting to crudely point all my middle fingers (sadly, only have two.) I used to adopt the "talk politely and logically to people who talk shit to you" approach but nowadays it is almost an reflex that I raise my voice when I talk. 

Numerous times I have teared this year because I realised no one in this family understands my intent and what I want to express. 

There is nobody I can talk this to. And no, not a counselor. I don't believe in this whole counselor thing. Listen to this: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I am not stressed. Contrary to that I actually no longer give a shit about the rights I have at home. I try my best at school. No, I don't intend to self-harm/ starve myself/ join a gang/ smoke/ play truancy. So, I don't need a counselor. What I need is someone to listen. No, I don't even ask for that much. I just need somewhere kind enough to take in my angst and bury it.

Confession: I sometimes stay in school till as late as I can because it means lesser time spent idling at home. I avoid the probabilities altogether. It's sick, but at least I'm not avoiding bedtime.

Japan

I miss Japan.

Honestly, this (say: that) holiday was my best and also worst vacation so far. I want to repeat those days and don't want to do it again at the same time. It's conflicting, it's complicated. But for all the goodness of Japan that I got to experience, I am grateful. For the things I once only dreamt of, thank you for making it come true. 

x

Prince Ali

Hi world.

Found some time to update this space, but I got carried away looking at my drafts. So I decided to publish one of it. Sad to say, this post wasn't published because it was not complete then but a whole year later, it remained status quo. Hope this makes up for one year of missing posts!

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03/02/2014

Some updates into 2014 :)

It's week 4 tomorrow, can't believe three weeks of the year flew by rather quickly. Lessons were fast-paced, I think we learnt a lot of stuff already and each subject is completing 10-20% of the year's topics? (assuming that each topic has an equal weighing.) I've also been rather busy with a lot of choir stuff, from CCA orientation to hosting auditions, it allowed me to view choir in a very different point of view and I am immensely grateful for that.

Speaking about CCA, I am also really grateful to have super supportive teachers in charge (basically the chem teachers) who gave us words of encouragements or even dropped by meetings. We have upgraded with a grand total of 2 digital keyboards :'D and musical this year is gonna be ALADDIN. Yay much? It's gonna be so fun with all the quirky songs, sudden changing moods, which would mean super fun choreo (unlike phantom which has a lot of themes to do with love) and the costumes!! (omg the costumes??) I think we can finally destroy that ugly side of choir where we always standardize our costumes. Like we always wear all white dresses, or everyone wears a black maxi with a chiffon top... This is probably the only choreo performance where we can be so random (in terms of style) in what we dress that we actually look pretty. Like some people wear long skirts, some dresses, some top with bottom and a sash 'round the waist, some can wear headscarves, some wear bangles/huge earrings... ahh! Can't wait! :')

(This also means aladdin songs are prob gonna be stuck with me for the next 5 months so sorry friends if you catch me humming it unknowingly. It is a music thing. Not my fault.)

Choir is honestly one of the best things that have happened in my life and is probably one of the only reasons why I still drag myself to school. To be honest, the past year had been a trying time for me in choir and I think there were experiences that really tested my passion for choir? But this year, people have taught me to put negative thinking aside and how I can make the best of things. I am so grateful for these people - seniors, batchies, juniors - who were there with me when I was really down, and today I daresay I am looking at those events in choir with a more positive outlook. Happy about the improvements and I hope that it will get better from here. Go dhschoir :)

Chingay parade is also coming up and I really can't wait to go for it. Went to NE show with yx just yesterday and though we couldn't stay for the rehearsal we were glad to have crapped so much with Rajes and her (boy)friend Asrhard hahaha and it was really funny cuz this year our contingent got this whole bunch of 11-13 year olds to be motivators and we spent half the time commenting on theose kids. Rajes said that they were probably "just born" and "freshly out of the womb" (which made us laugh), because they hardly look legit to be doing well as an motivator?? And they were dressing way too mature for their own age with things like leggings/snapbacks ("that snapback tho" -yx), also behaving way too rowdily. What if they screw up our cheers ಠ_ಠ

....
....
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Musings after reading:

As I read this I reflect on things that were part of my life from a year ago, and I find it funny how I used to be so stressed up over issues that I now know are nothing of great concern. I think it's alright to say this now - actually, there was a period of time when I was upset over how my juniors openly discussed about how they detested attending CCA, and long story short I blamed myself over how my decisions as a leader may have distinguished the fire burning in them. Wow - it's 2015 now and honestly? I think I worried for nothing not only because I had friends who comforted me and tried to dismiss my inadequacies,  but because all these juniors needed was something really, really simple that I would not understand then - time. More than a year later, these group of juniors have improved tremendously, some are stepping up, some are improving, and they are all trying, trying, trying their best to find their ways around. My relationships with even the most difficult among them have improved. Yes, they reacted wildly to unpopular decisions made by leaders. Slowly but surely, they understood. Seeing them preparing to take over as seniors really warms my heart and I am so proud of them :')

Above all, why did I worry? I didn't have to worry. Things would become fine. From a realist-optimist point of view: bigger worries will come by, and they will outweigh these matters, and issues become trivial as they age with time. As seen from how senior high syllabus has been so much more intense in these 4 months than I have ever experienced in the past two years. (ha)

I am reminded once again that we should never be deterred by events that are less than desirable. And if you have to feel down, then learn to pick yourself up and never give up. Because one day, one day many seconds later, you will realise how trivial your worries were. And at that moment, it would be a great shame if all you feel is grief and regret.

Weird dreams?

I dreamt that I was living in an apartment with a bunch of schoolmates (strangely, it's my home.) They say that you will forget your dreams within an hour of waking up, which is perhaps why I cannot exactly remember who those people were, though I vividly saw their faces in my dream. We were preparing for school, and then we walked out towards the direction of the MRT, walking all the way towards this shelter. Note that it looks exactly like the route I walk everyday, and I do walk into this shelter. I was chatting with this senior when suddenly, I realized my skirt wasn't a school skirt.

It was the same colour, but it was pleated. Flowy. It was definitely some other schools', I think I saw it somewhere before. It was long and slightly below mid-shin. In my dream, I don't exactly remember questioning myself how on earth did I walk 200m and not realise my long not-my-school skirt isn't my skirt. But I do remember going, "(pauses) This isn't my skirt." and the said senior replies, "Yeah, it isn't your skirt." while giving me a smile.

The time then was 7.10am - which was kinda late, but you won't exactly be late for school as you will reach barely on time if you walked the little faster. And I decided that there was no way I am going to wear this very long skirt to school. So I announced that I am going to run up and change.

I ran. I got into the lift, and pressed for my floor. The lift at my place as some panels of mirror with patterns on it. I was just looking at my side view on the mirror and well, still wondering how on earth did I wear this bulky skirt out. (Note: I somehow felt that that skirt grew longer? It ended up above my shoes by this point?)

A gruff voice came from behind me.  I went into the lift alone.

Obviously, I was scared out of my wits. From the corner of my eyes, I could see that there was a man in the lift. An uncle with darker skin. It was as if he was irritated by how I'm, for lack of better words, "checking myself out" and was angrily scolding. You know how when people reach a certain age they will scold unreasonably and curse at the world around them? It was something like that.

But I was more frightened that there is a (ghost) behind me. I wanted to scream and cry, which surprisingly I didn't. All I know was praying that I would reach my floor very soon, and sure enough, the door opened and I dashed out fast enough to save my life. All I was thinking of was to get into my home and shut the freaking door. Guess my shock, when I walk that path in my memory and ended up at a door which I was sure enough did not look like my home of 8 years.

I mean, the door frame were the same. But my family's shoe rack was missing. There was somehow no homely feeling about that door and the corridor. I checked out the unit number.

After taking so long in the lift, I have ended up on a unit on the second floor.

At that point of time I was pretty much done with the events of my life. I thought of how I saw a man in the lift just now, and stayed in the lift long enough to travel to my floor (a double-digit) and not... by a single floor. Everything was catching up, and I was growing paranoid by the second.

I decided I should run down the stairs. It's the second floor, after all. The stairs at my block has railings in the wall where I can see the corridor leading to the lift at every level. Essentially, I should see the ground floor at the railing on the first floor. I was so, so scared that I might be trapped in this building forever. So, I really counted all my stars and thanked them all when I did see the railing, and there was an ending to the stairs, so I wasn't trapped in this creepy as hell building. Screw this skirt thing. The group of people were never going to believe my story.

Of course they were not. Because I ran out of the building and all I saw was a very abstract world, as if I walked into an xbox game (like, Legend of Zelda?). Whatever I saw, it was nothing like what should be at the ground floor. I dropped to the ground and screamed. At first, no sound came and I was scared that my voice was taken away, which made me even more exasperated but eventually I did hear myself.

Well, so after typing for so long the forget dream syndrome has indeed caught up with me. I can't remember what happened. I saw some other faces. At the end of it all, somehow, I ended up at this school hall place with a stage. There were groups of students around everywhere, and they were talking among themselves. This was normalcy compared to the rest of the dream. And I walked down the hall confidently towards somewhere.


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So, after going through all the "what on earth just happened" phase and sitting up to make sense of the rollercoaster of a dream, I decided that I have to note this down somewhere and I ended up here. There was choir this morning, had a rather productive practice which left us all quite tired because we ran 2.4km for PT and did a lot of boats/walls during siepe later. Also, I was late by 15 minutes because I kinda overslept and I think our usual bubbly VP was quite upset about the latecomers. But I could sense that everyone was very tired, upset, out of sorts, long story short just alright but not at optimum. When I went home I slept for like 2 hours but I has the weirdest dreams ever. I'm sure if it's because I was really tired or anything, but it is the end of February and honestly, I don't think I have ever been so tired in my junior high days. JC really isn't a piece of cake.

lol

What's the purpose of having a blog?

Blogging is essentially keeping a digital diary - and however much you wish to reveal, it can be accessed by the whole world. Or part of the world who knows the url of your unlisted blog, or the password to a decryption. Whatever.

Anyway, my main purpose of keeping this blog for 5 years - and counting, hopefully - is so I can type out my experiences of my (said) life and not forget them a few years down the road. I choose to believe the adults who tell me that the schooling years would be the best years of my life, so I should document all the funny moments in class, my feelings behind every choir production, outings with friends, how studying is killing me, the opportunities outside of class that the school has given me... and when I am all old and stress is in the tangible form of wrinkles on my face, I can read these entries and reminisce about those times. (and realise they were better times than my horrible adult life and I should have cherished the years of awkward teen self) (?)

It's true, 岁月不饶人, time passes way too quickly. The children are growing up, our parents are growing older.

Ramblings aside, I already regret a little for my future self that 80% of year 4 has passed, and I haven't had the time to touch this blog at all. It is a bit of an inconvenience for me to access this blog account (due to boring reasons) and.... I don't understand myself because today is a Sunday and I'm in the midst of my last junior high EOYs, with chem and math 2 coming up next and yet I can blog (??) To be honest, I think you can do whatever the heck you want at any time of your life. I think I have been consistently prepared for my tests, and I really don't believe in cramming stuff minutes before a test, like millions of my peers who would bring materials down to flag-raising and back up. I have been more chill about tests this year - I went to a choir concert on the night before math and geog CT, went for a MUN on the weekend between CT2, go do CIP/for choir practices during the EOYs period... really, spending time on these stuff "instead of revising" didn't have a bad impact on my studies, in fact it kept me going, it kept others going (for instance, the people I am supporting in the choir concert?) and I feel really... calm. You know, 2 hours isn't going to magic out an A+ for you. Worse still, sometimes you get distracted and don't even study - so why not do something else instead.

Have been spending EOYs studying with peng at compass point and it has been great so far. It's near home, affordable and we have done so much. Just 2 days ago, I also took the last physics paper of my life (why did't I inherit my father's engineer genes) BUT FYEAH, GOODBYE PHYSICS. Soon, GoSH! would begin and I really cannot believe 2/3 of dhs life would be complete and we would become jc students. :(

Perhaps I would still do a run through of events throughout the year, and I guess I'll list them out to see how far we've come...

• CCA orientation
• March choir camp - it was overnight!!!
• Gala concert
• Choir showcase - Aladdin and Frozen the musicals (: daresay biggest event of the year
• BSP camp - yes, I went back as a facil
• Ventured into the mun world with IMUNC
• My own handover :'(
• Natl day at Maju camp - army life is super interesting
• SDYC - second (official) mun, and unexpected prize

Yes, quite far. But the journey never ends.

x

Hello world.

Happy New Year!! 新的一年，新的开始 :D I can't believe it's 2014 already. I'm already into year 4, but year 1/2 felt like yesterday? I'm already going to experience handover. My brother's taking his psle. I'm taking my Os for hcl. Oh, 2014. It's gonna be one hell of a ride.

Anyway, bro's starting school tomorrow (wait, later today..) on 2 Jan (HA!) While I laugh at his sorry plight, I couldn't help but feel quite relieved as well because I would probably drown in my own tears right now if school were to start tomorrow. For starters, I have 1.5 more subjects worth of homework to complete still...

I was just printing out a worksheet at the printer just now and I couldn't help but think of a few things that made me want to type this post. It's about midnight, and I'm the only soul still awake at home, and I'm crossing my fingers that my noisy printer wouldn't wake anyone up. Then I did some paperwork by turning on the lights in my room with the knowledge that my bro is already fast asleep (yeah, he sleeps on the floor beside my bed at times!) and I couldn't help but think that I am going to spend a lot of 2014's nights (or wee hours of the morning, however you see it) doing this. Printing things in darkness and being the only room with lights on, doing serious stuff, of course.

The fine lines

Hello World.

After tuition tonight, I went to buy a cup of bubble tea thinking that, well, I did not have one in the longest time ever and also kind of hoped that it will help me stay up later to do some homework. But right now at about 1 a.m. in the morning, screw it, I thought. Not like the solutions to the numerous scary questions I have been staring at in the past week will come to me suddenly. Also, spent the whole day otherwise ticking things off my agenda list so I'd really appreciate a break.

Shall begin with my experience with the Atelier choir first :D

11/12/13, Wednesday
What a beautiful date and day! Truth be told, I was very excited upon hearing about such an opportunity since September when I saw it in the programme booklet for SYC's concert then, We Are Singapore. Afterward, preparations for the atelier choir began and I was really glad that I am able to go for it! This experience really means the world to me. How else can I improve myself as the chorister, perform at such a location (dream come true) and do what I love at the same time? :)

After crazy five-days-in-a-row rehearsals (ONLY), it was showtime. Of course, I was quite pleasantly surprised that in just 5 days of practice, we are able to pull off 5 songs with some kind of expected standard due to the nature of this concert. I'm pretty sure this efficiency is due to the fact that we are all like-minded individuals, or should I say choristers?

Walked from Bugis to SMU for pre-concert prep with my dhschoristers, had (the most effective) stretches, warm-ups and run-throughs before we went for lunch at Yoshinoya. It was really funny because we argued a lot on where to go to; we firstly wanted to get to Plaza Sing (The Cathay was visible from where we were standing, omg) and then while walking in that direction, we passed by a group of atelier people and found out that they wanted to go to City Hall, which made a lot of sense because Esplanade is walkable from there. This made us debate yet again on where to go to, so we decided to follow them after all and walked in the opposite direction. But somewhere along the way due to some intercommunication issues some of us thought that we were still going to Plaza Sing, so we ended up taking the circle line from Bras Basah to Dhoby. This frustrated the hell out of one another because of all the time we had wasted! u_u

After lunch, we chilled at Plaza Sing for a little as we had a lot of time left. Nothing much happened, except that we went into this cute vintage shop, watch teletubbies dancing on stage (SO amusing! My junior, Bryan, and I laughed so hard at that) and then went to Daiso so that the guys could get last minute bright ties and Bryan bought a xmas hat. Made our way to the esplanade stage doors and soon we were having final rehearsals, costume change, dinner and showtime.

Steeping out of our dressing room one last time, which has a toilet, lockers and dressing tables. Did I mention? The backstage of Esplanade is a maze of rooms and aisles which leads to its four main performing areas. In fact, we reached a general consensus that it looks like hospital aisles, design and all, but the rooms remind us of hotel rooms. At around 7 pm, we were waiting in the room and the PA system went: The stage is live. The stage is live. Do not cross the stage. Do not the cross the stage. Haha, professional much?

The SYC had a few songs to perform before us, and we were all waiting and watching them from the live TV backstage. I don't really have stage fright, but I was quite anxious because I am really afraid of this one song called My Soul's Been Anchored In The Lord, and I'm singing S1 -pales- yeah, if you heard the youtube recording, you would know what I mean... -pales even more- Really afraid of not living up to expectations, you know? When I first got onto stage I did freak a little and wished that I had flats instead because I "cannot get a grip" in my court shoes suddenly, and took a little while to find my voice for our FIRST tagalog song and only sops sing the melody/lyrics. No pressure there at all...

But all is well and our 5 songs passed in a blink of an eye. After Paskong, we had intermission where the Atelier needs to run out from the backstage and enter via audience entrance to catch the second half of the concert - as an audience. See, this is really the best of  both worlds. But me, being a rather sentimental AND thick-skinned person, decided to lose all my face to stay back and ask for Mr Velasco's autograph while everyone went off. Thankfully, he did not reject my request and I now have yet another reason to LOVE my Paskong score! I was so happy I skipped down the steps!

His autograph, my ticket and not in this photo, my stage pass. Needless to say, the rest of the concert was awesome and I loved all the Tagalog songs. I enjoyed myself so much, some parts were so funny! Christmas spirit, guys~

Snuck a prohibited photo of the Concert Hall while seated. Wish I did so while I had the POV of a performer.

This event practically wraps up my eventful 2013 year. To be honest, I am both looking forward and dreading next year. If things do go as planned, next year will be a pretty eventful year as well - with what is probably a lot of commitments. I also have many personal goals in mind that I hope I can slowly develop in the coming year.

Lately, I have also been browsing through winter boots, windbreakers, coats and outwear (online shopping is unhealthy, guys) and I really couldn't help but want to go overseas :( somewhere cold, preferably. Hopefully my family will go on with our plans for Japan after my brother's psle.

With this post, happy new year.